This is a good compromise between hopeful and desperate.

I'm not sure I would survive more than 4 attempts.

I am so happy that I had some choices. I'm going to enjoy that happiness for a bit because I know life is going to become a bit difficult in about two weeks.

Thanks for your ear.

Some good news is that I've found some programs that help fund IVF at a discounted price. Basically this could allow me to have more than one shot at it for about the same amount of money.

Let me break it down real quick (I don't really have time to post right now).

Company 1
I could do 2 cycles (actually 4, 2 fresh/2 frozen) for about 20k
or 3 cycles (actually 6, 3 fresh/3 froz) for about 24k

Company 2
2 cycles (actually 4, 2 fresh/2 frozen) for about 17k (a savings of 8k from my original 25K) quote.

Keep in mind, no refunds - if I use only one cycle and have paid for 3, too bad. (that's how they make any money, thank goodness for these companies though, and I guess it's going for a good cause, to help others too)

The more chances I have the increase in my chances of pregnancy.
I'm already happier knowing I can have more than one chance!

What would you guys do?

Thanks!
H.L.

We were active and everything.

It's not going to happen without a lot of effort. I have to eat a lot less than I'm accustomed to and I have to move more. Period. And I can't wait another minute. I saw a picture of my mom at my age and she looked beautiful. I looked at a picture of her and I last summer on vacation and we looked nearly the same, her at 67 and me at 37. No, yea, you read that right, I looked like her at 67! I don't look 67 in real life but in the picture my puffy face looked like hers, which I believe was a side effect of poor health like high blood pressure or something. She didn't even weigh as much as me. I'm sure as she was trying to quit smoking she'd say Ef-it, one more day. I have got to try and not wait another day, she has to be a lesson to me.

Lately I feel like I'm always achey and breathing takes effort. I don't want to throw away anymore of my youth.

And if I manage to get pregnant, I'm putting a lot more at risk.

Why is this one aspect of my life so hard and I feel like I've learned nothing over these past million years (more than half my life).

Is success possible without changing my career to aerobic instructor or nutritionist?

I am going to try this week. I'm going to try and start working out again at the Y.

I'm going to eat as though I'm pregnant. I'll be starting IVF in just over a couple of weeks (unless a miracle happens during this unassisted ovulation).

In case you're wondering, I weighed in at 200 lbs. today. Shaking my head in disbelief disgust.

I just need time to breathe. I'm in disbelief that I am in this position.

This process really chips away at you.

Since last post I have been feeling better. I had been going through the worst mental slump since my mother passed away. My husband and I got through that big fight and are now doing well. I have been able to enjoy the weekends again and generally things feel nice.

Par for the course though, gosh forbid things go easy.

Miraculosly my husband has turned a corner and is being very supportive of having another child and we have been going to a fertility clinic. We went through one cycle of IUI to no success. That was a huge bummer because I really felt prego. I was so excited one night I thought I might even post about betting on that fact. Glad I held out because that would have amplified the let down.

We are now in the process of another try. I am praying to all goodness that this one works out. If it doesn't I am left with a difficult decision to try IVF.

In my mind and heart it is very clear I should try it. I may be out of time as it is, there is certainly no room for me to wait and consider it later. The biggest aspect making it not so clear cut is the fact that it will cost us 25,000 dollars. It is not covered by my insurance. IVF doesn't always work on the first try either and there is no money back guarantee. I would have one shot at it. If it took, it would be the best decision I ever had made and if it didn't, that gamble might haunt me forever.

25k is really out of my comfort zone. I feel it puts my family in a vulnerable position to take away that much of our safety net and savings.

I am also a little nervous about screwing with nature. I am not sure this is a decision I have the luxury of making.

Of course if money weren't an option, I'd do it in a second and then get all philosophical on nature later.

I feel like this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. I'm just praying this IUI takes.

I've been eating pretty well since posting. Not exercising though. Still not doing very good emotionally, but not letting it get too much of the best of me. I'm down a couple of pounds today. I'm slowly getting better at tracking what I eat with my new gadget. I'm not stressing on being too accurate because it is still helping me stay more aware.

I'm trying to go easy on myself.

I'm going through yet another phase of questioning what I'm doing and where I'm at in life. Questioning my husband again. I don't want to have regrets and feel like I never lived, and every day life seems to go by faster and faster.

One of the qualities I like least about myself is that I have such a hard time making decisions and a harder time acting on anything. That leaves me often disappointed and probably explains why I don't treat myself so great.

I give too much of myself to my husband and I'm not getting enough in return. I've supported him and made a ton of sacrifices and have yet to receive the same. I'm not just saying that, he is like having a second child.

Here's what I want: I want to go to cosmetology school, I want to be able to work less to spend some more time with my daughter, and to work a little harder for that second child. (my husband would rather not have another child for selfish reasons.)

Right now I wish all it took to get pregnant was for my husband to touch the tip of my finger like E.T.

I was doing ok for a while, managing my weight at around 180. Until a couple of months ago when my world changed like I have never experienced before. Not even like when my daughter was born. My mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Even writing that seems surreal.

I kind of felt like I was doing ok, managing to continue life with a bit of optimism and positivity. Now I'm not exactly sure. It's not getting any easier and I'm still not used to it. I'm simply not happy about it. My weight is probably reflecting that because I'm now at 198, occasionally seeing 200 (I guess when I'm retaining a little more water). 18 pounds in about two months, not so good.

Anywhoo, I've been meaning to resurface even before PQ mentioned me. It feels good to post even when I don't really know what my long term intentions are. Right now writing is distracting me from eating. Good enough.

I just treated myself to an iPad. I hope it makes some tasks easier and more enjoyable, like posting, tracking my calories, and even cooking. It is very cool. Let's see if it keeps me focused.

The past few months have been difficult. I'm still struggling to get pregnant while many people around me suddenly seem to be announcing their pregnancies. Last month, to no avail, we even tried artificial insemination. We'll probably try A.I. two more times. In vitro fertilization is out of the question for us because it is too expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. (We can afford another child but to throw down 20 thousand dollars on a procedure that has a 20% chance of success isn't a gamble I'm willing to take)

There's a sadness I have that I can't really explain. It doesn't detract from my happiness for my friends who have gotten pregnant or the happiness I feel having my daughter but it exists and I'm coping with it.

A few of my daughter's friends have an "Elf on a shelf" and my daughter talks about it whenever she comes home from their house. Her friend's mom told her that the elf was Santa's helper monitoring how the siblings were getting along and reporting it back to Santa and the reason my daughter probably didn't have an elf come visit was because she is a good girl at home. Just last night, out of nowhere, my daughter told me that if she had a sister we'd have an elf. Those little things break my heart.

I'm not going to give up trying the conventional way to have children (for a while). Trying has also been motivation for eating better and getting healthier.

It was cool to see some familiar faces in the recent comments, hi guys!

It makes me think I need detox or some serious external restraints to stop. I just got rid of all clothes over size 14 so I really need to set this back on track because my pants are nearly cutting me in half.

I did acupuncture about four times but it's really expensive and I don't feel different enough to justify going back when I need to conserve money for my daughter's Christmas presents.

Now I'm going to try hypnosis when I go to bed and every day I am going to give it my best effort to exercise. I don't think that there's a "pill" (the acupuncture or hypnosis) out there that's going to make this easy or anything. I know it's calories in versus out and that I need to exercise but I need something to help quiet my mind or ease my nerves or whatever it is that's going on.

I'm going to try and squeeze in the most moderate amount of exercise and see if that will help kick me into gear.

Friday I hosted my book club and have a ton of not-so-great choices in my kitchen at the moment. I keep eating them (mostly as large meals not perpetual snacking) and telling myself that it'll be over soon and I can get back on track. It's so difficult for me to let those items go (and possibly be thrown away). Thank goodness I only host a couple times a year or so.

I also have been having a hard time devoting any time to working out. I think the biggest issue is being able to take the time out from work. I seem to give work most of my time and more often than not, over the average work week. I get paranoid at being great at my job for job security.

I don't know. That's about all I have in me tonight.

I'm always running around like a chicken with its head cut off and have a nervous odgeda. But lately (maybe as recent as tonight) I feel that, while I really am busy, I'm only doing stuff I really want to be doing with and for people I really care about. So it's OK. I might want to start scheduling myself better but it's been worth it so far.

Still I need more sleep. I'd be so much better with more sleep.

Ate today:
Veggie patty and a single serving bag of potato chips
small omelet in a half of a pita - and I actually ate this at the table rather than in front of a computer
bowl of broccoli cheese soup and bread
grapes

Managed to resist more potato chips

hmm... that kind of looks like a lot

How do I feel right now? just tired. Feel like I can't belabor this or I won't keep this up.

There's been no major change, I'm still struggling. Rather than hovering in the low 180s I'm hovering around 187. Still not pregnant. Currently no motivation to workout.

My health insurance is entering a re-enrollment /benefits change period and rather than making health improvement programs voluntary and reward based they are making them mandatory with penalty repercussions. I am required to go to a screening where they will evaluate what program I need to participate in and hold me to it or my premiums will go up. I know I'll be required to do a weight management program. They didn't work for me in the past but I'm game to try again.

I've just started going to acupuncture for fertility, weight management, & stress. We're focused on fertility primarily at the moment I think. I've only been twice and its really relaxing but I'm not sure I feel different yet.

I don't think I have the energy to really log my food with calories etc.
What I ate today:

• plain omelet in half a pita
• tofurkey with spinach rolled in whole wheat wrap & side of chinese noodles
• vegetarian chili
• medium Maggie-moos ice cream
• cup of veggie broth with onion

I'll try and post more details about it but of course I seem to only think about posting when I'm about to fall asleep. I wanted to get this picture of myself up before I wait any longer and chicken out.

The best thing about this picture is that my daughter saw me coming and broke away from my husband and ran through the finish line right behind me. I actually purchased this picture because of her.

The only thing that motivated me at all during this race was to try and not keep the race officials waiting on me to roll up the finish line.

I'm scheduled to do another one in a month and one in Sept. I really don't want to. I still haven't been able to stick to a workout routine and just don't want to struggle when I'm not prepared.

I've also been eating like there's no tomorrow.
Anywhoo, enjoy the picture, it looks like I'm running about two miles per hour.

Anyway, food makes me feel better, but it's such a quick and short fix that it only really lasts while it's touching my tongue. Moments after I'm done eating I feel like crap all over again.

I've worked out a bunch this week but I can completely offset that in one TV watching evening.

I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls with frustration. I'm at a loss on how to alleviate this tension that comes along with my PMS.

So I'm sitting here typing while watching TV and fighting the urge to make popcorn. With large amounts of butter. Maybe watching Top Chef Masters isn't such a good idea.

I'll keep you posted whether or not I cave. I'm so close to caving.

{Update}

F-IT! I can do this. I didn't make anything to eat and I just shut off the TV.

Lynne over at "Faster" actually gave me a moment of motivation just after reading the first two sentences of her latest post. I'll copy them here in case you don't click the link.

Since 2003 I have lost about 30 pounds. SLOW is an understatement, but this year 180+/- pounds has felt pretty good.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as her. I'm really happy I clicked that link because it's been too long since I've explored the land of weight loss blogs and caught up on any reading.

Anyway, I need to go to bed before I'm lured by the fridge or pantry again.

ONE VICTORY TODAY.