I’ve signed up for another triathlon in July and have taken a new approach to my workouts. I am now working on building my strength. I’m doing body sculpting classes that consist of a lot of free weights training. I take classes three days a week and sometimes add an extra day to run, and starting next week I’ll swim on Monday nights. That’s a lotta workin’ out. I feel strong, great and happy.

Yet I’m still eating like crapolla after 8pm. It’s been hard to control myself. So my friend and I are taking another approach and we started weight watchers tonight.

Hopefully this kicks me into gear. Tonight on the meeting scale I weighed 189.

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Thanks for all the wonderful comments on my tri pictures post!

So first, there was the swim. My swim cap was so tight it was pushing down my eye in a weird way and I look so goofy. It really is distorting my face.

Notice though, the fit woman behind me, I beat her out of the water. Also those women in the yellow and green hats behind us were sent out in the wave before us, so we kicked a few asses.

Then there was the bike where I thought I would recover for the run.

Not so much. The first two pictures of me running I’m trying to open those nutra-beans or whatever they’re called. I’m hoping they’ll give me a little boost, not so much, I just look like I can’t even take a break from stuffing my face to run a race.

There I am crossing the finish line. At least I managed to jog that part.

As it turns out I did well on my swim. I have serious racer friends who didn’t do as well as me in a half mile swim. I did average to pretty good on the bike and so crappy on the run. Had I focused on walking I probably could have walked faster than my half walk half run.

Oh well. I’m hooked. My friend and I are already picking new races and planning our training strategy for next year. One aspect includes doing weight watchers together. I know how much it helps to have a workout partner, so I hope the same will apply to WW.

I’ll continue to write how much and in the different ways I think training for this race has helped me.

We got to the race at 5 am and our wave was going to start at 7:40 am but it felt more like 10 minutes to me before we were in the water waiting for the buzzer to go off. I felt surprisingly confident, partly because I had no expectations of great times or anything, and didn't have much anxiety (which is so unlike me or maybe I just suppressed it).

I beyond exceeded my expectations in the swim. I had no problems doing freestyle and feeling great, although some woman for a bit kept trying to grab my ankle. Once I broke out of the pack and stopped getting bumped into, it was nothing. I noticed I caught up to and was swimming in the wave that had gone out ahead of me and that gave me a boost.

Then we actually had to run a quarter of a mile from the beach to the transition area and I could tell I was pretty serious about my transition, I didn't want to fool around (which was funny, the little competitor in me came out). Of course I didn't do great on the first transition and got knocked over by another biker before I could even get on my bike. The bike was nice and I tried to use it to recover for the run, my toughest part. I thought I paced myself well and took the bike easy but I couldn't imagine how I was going to run after all that. My run was half run half walk, I didn't feel too tired, but my body didn't feel like it had much strength left. That was my worst run time, but I don't care. I did better overall than I thought I would.

Each leg of the race I kept thinking I'm a third done, I'm two thirds done, it's in the bag, I'm done. It was so funny. I loved hearing people call out my number and encouraging me. It felt like everybody wanted everybody to do well, and it was really wonderful. I didn't get as emotional as I thought, no big waterfall of tears or breakdown. But every time I think about the fact that I did it and when I think of myself as a triathlete (athlete, even) my eyes well up.

I'm so happy I did this and I want to keep going. I'm still in some disbelief and now it seemed to happen so fast, I want to do another one right away.

Sally Edwards who is the director in charge of the Danskin Triathlons (she's 65 and Master's world record holder in the Ironman) said that, as long as she's been doing races and staying fit, every year of her life has gotten better and she wants to break the paradigm that it wouldn't be so.

I want that to be my mantra.

YAY, I did it!

Overall Rank - 908 of 1513
Class Rank - 147 of 214
Swim - 00:17:01
Swim Rank - 542
Trans1 - 00:05:43
Bike - 00:36:17
Bike Rank - 872
Trans2 - 00:01:18
Run - 00:38:17
Run rank - 1221
Pace - 00:12:21
Final - 01:38:39

Since I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a real long time and I can’t afford alternative options or testing etc. I thought I would come up with my own theories for why it’s not happening. That’s healthy, huh? Ever since I saw the movie Lorenzo’s Oil I think I can diagnose myself and discover cures. Seriously.

Anyway, I take a tablespoon of Flaxseed oil once a day because I could swear by it helping with my anxiety and depression. Then I read about how you shouldn’t take it if you’re pregnant because it can cause bleeding. But then I also read it does something to your estrogen levels (not unlike soy). I eat flax and a lot of soy, so I thought maybe that was preventing me from getting prego.

I decided to take a break from the flax despite worrying about the effect on my mental state. I didn’t feel a profound difference in my mood but I gained a few pounds. Initially I didn’t think anything of it but this month I decided to go back on the flax because maybe I started to feel a dip in my mood, I’m not sure. But since I did, I lost three of the 6 pounds I gained. We’ll see if it sticks (and goes further).

My appetite has felt better. I think I’ve been doing less emotional eating. See, maybe that’s where the flax helps, I don’t know but I’m sticking with the Flax. I haven’t been able to find anywhere that says it might prevent or hinder getting pregnant.

See what I consume myself with?!

Not that I’m going to be in a TRIATHLON this weekend!! AAAHHHHH.

We’ve been working out pretty steady so I’m sure I can survive it, although I’m worried about cold ocean water stopping my heart. I’ve been trying to remind myself that I’m just going to coast slowly through it with no expectations. I have to repeat that every second.

I just purchased my bicycle that hopefully arrives in time. I’ll be happy to have one that I can take with me on vacations (like last week which was awesome) and hopefully incorporate into everyday life.

I had also bought a tri-suit to wear for the swimming portion that could transition nicely into the bike riding but when I got it I couldn’t even fit it over my head. I got majorly confused by the size chart on the website and bought a size 30 which translates to a size 4. I don’t think that’s a European size or anything so why I needed to translate in the first place is beyond me. I had to cross coordinate suit type, with sport type, with fabric technology, with plain ole’ fabric, with gender, and everything else under the sun. It really required a quantum physicist doctorate degree that I just don’t have. Now I have to do this race naked, unless I figure this out. I haven’t been able to find a tri-suit in my size anywhere on the web. I might just bust out my “body shapers” or “spanx” and wear those.

I’m not too excited about what I’m going to look like during this race. I’ve seen pictures of athletes that look lean, muscular, and sharp like thoroughbreds. I, however, look like an amorphous blob with a little head (because of swim cap). I have a kind of desperate run for your life (the blobs is ravaging the city) kind of flailing way about me.

Sigh…

I’m in the middle of my vacation right now and that is amplifying my aversion to the computer but I thought I should check in. I don’t want to completely lose touch.

Things are going pretty well but I’m dealing with the inability to perform certain responsibilities. Sometimes I just get maxed out and overwhelmed and need a break. I completely avoid aspects of my life. I hit a wall and there’s a period of time where I just don’t have the energy to pay attention to certain things and I trudge through the bare minimum. I’ve been feeling this way for the past few weeks or more.

I’m still training hard for the triathlon but my eating has been horrendous and last time I checked the scale I had gained 5 pounds. I’m not sure what’s going on. I can’t always tell what is responsible for my emotional swings. If I were to pick things apart everything seems to be going well, I’m just feeling a bit indifferent or flat, I don’t know.

I’ve been eating crappy foods, too often and snacking when I’m not even hungry. When my eating gets like this, it’s usually a sign that I’m out of control about something (not regarding food). I feel like I should be asserting myself somewhere that I’m not. I’m not sure where that somewhere is. It could be a simple as not having accepted some side work where I’ve helped out far more than I’m getting paid for. Or it could be the struggle I have working to much and not spending adequate and desired time with my daughter. I’ve wanted to get a side business off the ground and am not making any headway on it at all (and it’s costing me some money in the meantime).

I have a lot of responsibility and I take on a lot. I get overwhelmed and can barely keep my head above water. So some aspects of my life suffer a bit and I go quite, just focusing on keeping myself from drowning.

Some things are still going OK, like the training and enjoying this vacation with my family. So I’m going to get back at it. I’ll see you soon though (I haven’t been reading blogs either during this hiatus).

Mentally I’m a little insane. I’ve been overwhelmed from working so much and without my exercise to help calm my crazies I’m not feeling great. I have been eating to relax. I don’t want to do that, I just do.

So the update on my weight is that I’m at 182 again. I feel bloated. It struck me last night when I went to my sister’s salon and caught a glimpse of myself in every mirror that I looked heavy.

I feel like I’m running down a steep hill and my legs are barely able to keep up with my torso. I’m on the verge of flipping forward into a massive tumble. Stress has been getting to me lately and I need to regroup and recover. I think I need to sleep all weekend.

I know this has happened to me a million times and it’s nothing new or exciting but I feel the need to post just so that I don’t recede into a denial or anything like that. I can find myself going quiet when I don’t want to acknowledge or think about it. It’s helpful just to put it out there.

I was more than showered actually, I was almost dolled up. I was glowing from some due diligence in the baby making efforts that morning. Yes, that morning! That’s the best time, it really sets the tone for the rest of the day. I was on cloud nine all day and my attitude and confidence was soaring. He must have picked up on that or something because he came and sat quite close to me on the bleachers. Then he started making some noises that I could tell were an effort to instigate a conversation. So I started it.

We were talking and talking and every time he got pulled away to do a part of his job he would come right back as though he didn’t want to stop (he had ample opportunities to bail.) I really felt like he was flirting with me and I loved it.

Of course, in my self-deprecating ways, I always manage to tie into conversation my awareness of my weight. This happens so automatically that it has been one of the most difficult habits to break. A couple of the topics we talked about were my triathlon training and local places to eat and I blamed the best pizza place in town for my weight plateau in spite of all the exercise I’ve been doing. In a joking way of course, but I’m such a dork! He was very cute in his response and seemed genuine about it. He said, “You shouldn’t worry about the weight thing and just be happy working out and getting stronger”.

I really think he was trying to let me know he thought I looked fine. And he was super cute and he was flirting with me, I know it. I really don’t stress about my weight as much as I used to. I’m not in the market to really pick up guys so it’s not so vital (even then I’d be my worst critic) and my husband loves me as I am.

It was a fun day.

I had an OBGYN appointment for Monday to discuss fertility issues, which I was hoping to be able to cancel with a “never mind, I’m pregnant”. No such luck as my period came on my birthday last week. Feeling defeated and anxious I could not crawl out of bed Monday morning to go swimming. I went to the doctor’s during lunch to discuss her standard game plan and by the end of the day, I realized that I almost embrace negativity as an excuse to keep handy for whatever reason, but I wasn’t feeling as bad as I expected too. I mean, I was feeling sad but it didn’t quite consume me physically like it usually does. (Or “used to”, that’s a more positive way to look at it and, if self-fulfilling, could put it in the past.)

Rather than to put effort into staying sad and milking it, I moved right past it and felt totally normal and happy to workout yesterday and today. I feel good today. I’m not happy about the thought of not getting pregnant, it makes me sad. But I don’t feel the need to stew. This surprises no one more than me but I’m going to run with it. Maybe this is what it feels like to be mentally sane and normal.

The doctor drew blood yesterday for testing and prescribed a series of other invasive tests for me (and even one for husband, he he). I’m going to put off taking the tests, this month anyway, because I have so many doubts. I cannot justify spending a lot of money (that I don't have) on something with such low success rates. I’m not sure I even need it. I’m not sure I should mess around with nature. I think it would take more of a toll on me. Why am I presuming the worst anyway? My mom thinks me not wanting to take the tests means I’m not sure I want a second child or maybe I don’t want one bad enough. That is not true.

Let me not talk about it anymore so I don’t bring down my mood again. Rather, let me think about how my husband is off from school for the summer and he works for me now and has only one job to do. Much better.

What matters most in life is often viewed as peripheral to the things that we usually focus on. Passion takes a backseat to production, wellness to working, and balance to busyness. The old adage that “life is not a dress rehearsa” is so true, and yet we act to the contrary by putting off what is truly important or indulging in things that are not. On your birthday, stop focusin on your age and start meditating on your life at this exact moment. How can you make it better? During the next year, reshuffle your priorities. Spend more time with family and friends, take care of your body and health by eating well and exercising regularly, and offer to help others in need. Discover what matters most to you , and make your daily life into a true reflection of those ideas, beliefs, and attitudes.

I might read this every day for the next year and see if it really changes me.

Working out is still going strong and awesome. I weighed in at 179 this morning.
Happy Birthday

We’re back on track, thanks to my workout partner. We had been derailed by her vacation and the last week of school, it was so hectic. But she motivated me this week with a whole new schedule that involves all morning workouts. We’ll be doing five days a week and a little bit of everything, so it’s less monotonous. So far we’ve done every day and it felt good (not like a nightmare).

I’ve become really dependent on her as my motivation for working out. I never imagined that I would enjoy having a workout partner. Right now I’m surprised I even breathe without her.

I wish I could find a partner who would hold my hands through other aspects of my life.

I guess it takes a little longer for me to get derailed than it used to. Behavior like that previously mentioned isn’t helping with my weight loss progress but it doesn’t set me back either. Today I feel better towards making progress again.

I wasn’t mentally with it over the past week either and that’s why I didn’t write at all. Maybe it would have helped if I had. It was that time of the month and it just got to me and I wasn’t motivated.

In reflecting on my emotions over the past month I can tell the rollercoaster is increasingly less dramatic. It’s still a rollercoaster, but it moves slower and the peaks and valleys have less contrast between them. That’s all good.

And best of all, lately people have been commenting that I’m looking smaller yet which surprises me a bit because there hasn’t been much change in my weight. Maybe it’s my demeanor.

Hours later I finished, even folding and putting away the clothes rather than having us live out of the laundry bag during the week. By the end of it all I was feeling sorry for myself, no rest for the weary, envisioning my wrinkles chiseled even further because of my hard knock life. (I was being dramatic.)

This morning I awoke to a clean kitchen because my husband, who stayed up later than me grading papers, thought to do that before he went to bed. I’m not even sure he slept any because he has to get up at 5:45 to go to work. (Needless to say I don’t see him in the morning.) Then, the icing on the cake, he text messaged me a note:

"Luv you! Thanks for washing & ironing everything. Dishwasher clean, cats done, trash & recycling done, I won't forget dentist."

That made me feel great. How nice that he didn’t take it for granted that I was working hard and then he reciprocated the favor! He rocks. We’ve been making a pretty good team lately.

Yay

I’m also feeling great because despite recovering from a yucky stomach flu, I ran my 5k yesterday. The night before I thought for sure that I wouldn’t be able to do it but when I started feeling a little better I just decided to show up and play it by ear. This was a much tougher and hilly course and I had to power walk up one of the steep hills (maybe a quarter of a mile). But even with having to walk I beat my last time by a minute! Afterwards I felt awesome and so accomplished it was cool. I am suffering some bad sciatica but I still did OK with it. I feel so tough today even with a corny limp.

I’ve said it before but running these races helps with the motivation and the reward. It’s a lot of fun being around so many people who get excited about it and make you feel great when you’re crossing the finish line. I practically want to cry every time (especially when you think of the charity you’re running for). It’s moving.

I’m hoping this motivation and ambition spreads to other aspects of my life. I’m sure it will.

I’m also excited to see how much better I do when I’m carry 10 less pounds! I can do this.

I felt great about what I ate. All in all the whole day’s intake was on the high side of my goal but not too bad. I was glad that I had the gauge of my calorie journal as a reference to help keep me in line.

I go through phases with calorie counting but right now it’s what I need. Did I mention that I have a mini goal to lose 10 pounds in a month? I think that’s reasonable and I’m really eager to fit into more of my clothes and make my legs feel better. I’ve been feeling pretty great over all but I am still considered severely over weight. I take those charts with a grain of salt but if I’m falling into the severely over weight category then it’s safe to say that I’m at least over weight and can improve.

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Yesterday I wasn’t feeling well with a mild stomach virus or something and it made me feel a little bummed out. I’m going to be a little forgiving considering my physical state but I was thinking again about needing to find my passion to feel motivated. I want to write about that more because I want to release some of those feelings and see where many of you are at. I need some perspective on that. I don’t know, we’ll see.