Anyway, food makes me feel better, but it's such a quick and short fix that it only really lasts while it's touching my tongue. Moments after I'm done eating I feel like crap all over again.

I've worked out a bunch this week but I can completely offset that in one TV watching evening.

I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls with frustration. I'm at a loss on how to alleviate this tension that comes along with my PMS.

So I'm sitting here typing while watching TV and fighting the urge to make popcorn. With large amounts of butter. Maybe watching Top Chef Masters isn't such a good idea.

I'll keep you posted whether or not I cave. I'm so close to caving.

{Update}

F-IT! I can do this. I didn't make anything to eat and I just shut off the TV.

Lynne over at "Faster" actually gave me a moment of motivation just after reading the first two sentences of her latest post. I'll copy them here in case you don't click the link.

Since 2003 I have lost about 30 pounds. SLOW is an understatement, but this year 180+/- pounds has felt pretty good.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as her. I'm really happy I clicked that link because it's been too long since I've explored the land of weight loss blogs and caught up on any reading.

Anyway, I need to go to bed before I'm lured by the fridge or pantry again.

ONE VICTORY TODAY.

I haven't been completely inactive. I just did a 5k this past weekend and I get in anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 runs per week. But I counter any activity with a lot of eating. Thank goodness my weight hasn't gone up, but it's far from going down.

I want to do better in these races and I know it's killing me to run with all this weight. There's no doubt in my mind that cutting 10 or more pounds would drastically improve my ability and times.

I've been wanting to eat so much lately and craving fattening, salty foods. Whenever I'm watching TV, I know I shouldn't eat anymore for the day but I don't stop thinking about what I want to eat until I am actually chomping on it.

I know all that I can do is say enough is enough and do things differently. Right now it seems like a near impossible task.

I want to lose 40 pounds.

Can I do this. (I'm kind of afraid to make that a question).

http://video.about.com/hairremoval/See-the-Threading-Technique.htm

Also, I've been doing well drinking my water and running. I have a 5k to do this weekend and I hope to run the whole thing. Fingers crossed.

I started drinking water. I'm not going crazy trying to get in 8 cups or anything because before this week I didn't even drink water that wasn't Crystal Light-ized. I just bought a cute stainless steel water bottle that holds 24 ounces, keep it by my desk, and try to drink from it. No pressure.

I've cut down on caffeine after lunch. Most days I didn't even have any after lunch. (I'm hoping this will help my sleeping.)

I went to bed by 11 (which is early for me) a few days too. So I was less grouchy.

I've gone running in my neighborhood, which is nice and more convenient than the gym.
I went out and bought a few new clothing items. That was hard. I wasn't loving myself in anything summer-y. Cotton summer shirts are so thin they cling to my every roll and bra line and look yucky and I don't look great in shorts. I need to move where it's cold all year long.

I also bought new underwear and socks. Not a lot of fun but a necessity, as most of mine are disintegrating. I'm going away with some girlfriends for the weekend and I don't want them to accidentally catch a glimpse of my current underwear and think I shoot bullets out of my butt when I fart.

Oh, and I got my eyebrows threaded.

I feel like I've pampered myself a little bit this week.

Baby steps.

Here are my stats. I included my last one so you could compare how much worse I did.

MY RANK!
354 people were in it and 6 didn't finish
348 people did finish
345 - ME!!!!!!

ONLY 3 PEOPLE FINISHED SLOWER!!!!!!!!!

I think my running (which was total walking, needs some improvement :-)
But I'm happy I finished and I'm happy I did it.

I know it's been a long time since I posted and that's because there really has been no dramatic change in my life. My weight has been holding steady right around 180.
But the summer is starting to heat up and I have two more tr!athlons to do. Another big impact on my life has been some friends that I've been making over the past year. I've been spending more time with a group of women who are my age and look a hundred times better than me. They have been my motivators to workout (even though I haven't done so well in a couple of months) and be more social.

I don't quite feel that spark of inspiration (that flipped switch or anything) but I want to find the strength to take more pride in how I look, even at this weight. I want to spend a little more energy in presenting myself better rather than always wearing worn jeans and a grungy sweat shirt, even if it's nice fitting new jeans and a clean sweatshirt.

Here's a precise list of a few goals that I want to achieve (work towards over the summer and hold onto forever)

1 -- I want to get in shape and lose weight for the next tr!athlons. My goal is merely 10 pounds by the end of July (totally plausible).

2 -- Take more pride in my appearance. Shop for a few nice clothes to wear and remember to wash my face in the morning.

3 -- Learn to balance work and life better. I am a workaholic, which was fine when I was younger and single but now with a family and the best daughter ever, I need to change that.

After surviving a REALLY tough race yesterday I feel like I can do these things. It's just about having the will to do it.

(rather than working so much. sometimes i feel like i hardly see her.)

guilt on top of missing her doesn't feel so great.

Things have been going really well and I've been quite busy. That's mostly why I haven't posted. I still work a lot and when I have free time I want to spend it with my family and friends. I can't get myself to stay on the computer an extra minute.

As my daughter gets older our social life has really picked up. We're settling in here in NJ and making a bunch of new friends. It feels super great.

I've met a bunch of women who motivate me to work out because we go in groups. I'll be doing three triathlons this summer (with these new friends and my sister). My training regimen has just picked up for the first Tri on May 31. Physically I've been feeling very in shape and strong. My weight loss efforts are still a lot tougher, but I've been holding steady at 180 lbs. I'm trying to slowly chip away at that so the weight stays off and doesn't send me into a yo-yoing frenzy.

So while I would rather be thinner, I'm pretty OK with how that's going and I know as my training picks up (as it has over the past couple of weeks) I will probably lose a bit more. I'm already 9 pounds thinner than I was when I did the last Triathlon in September.

I always hold on to hope that I'll reinvent myself a little more this year, redesign this site, and get back to posting regularly. On the big events, like the triathlons or if I ever get prego again (nope still not yet), or anything else major, I'll be sure to share. On big things like that I feel way more compelled to write. I guess on some of the mundane stuff it's hard to find the motivation or something that will make it interesting from day to day.

Thanks for checking in on me

Everything is going well. I've been doing pretty well on WW and have lost 10 pounds. It remains to be seen if I gained any of that back over Thanksgiving though. I'll find out the damages on Wednesday. Last time I weighed, I was 178.

I've been working out sporadically but am signed up for another triathlon in July so I'll definitely become more consistent soon.

I've missed this. Work has me a little bothered today and I just want to get away for a moment and this is the first place I thought about wanting to be. I don't have long and probably can't click around to even get caught up on some comments (and where they lead to), but I'll check it all out again later.

Talk to you soon (I'm pretty sure I will)

I’ve signed up for another triathlon in July and have taken a new approach to my workouts. I am now working on building my strength. I’m doing body sculpting classes that consist of a lot of free weights training. I take classes three days a week and sometimes add an extra day to run, and starting next week I’ll swim on Monday nights. That’s a lotta workin’ out. I feel strong, great and happy.

Yet I’m still eating like crapolla after 8pm. It’s been hard to control myself. So my friend and I are taking another approach and we started weight watchers tonight.

Hopefully this kicks me into gear. Tonight on the meeting scale I weighed 189.

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Thanks for all the wonderful comments on my tri pictures post!

So first, there was the swim. My swim cap was so tight it was pushing down my eye in a weird way and I look so goofy. It really is distorting my face.

Notice though, the fit woman behind me, I beat her out of the water. Also those women in the yellow and green hats behind us were sent out in the wave before us, so we kicked a few asses.

Then there was the bike where I thought I would recover for the run.

Not so much. The first two pictures of me running I’m trying to open those nutra-beans or whatever they’re called. I’m hoping they’ll give me a little boost, not so much, I just look like I can’t even take a break from stuffing my face to run a race.

There I am crossing the finish line. At least I managed to jog that part.

As it turns out I did well on my swim. I have serious racer friends who didn’t do as well as me in a half mile swim. I did average to pretty good on the bike and so crappy on the run. Had I focused on walking I probably could have walked faster than my half walk half run.

Oh well. I’m hooked. My friend and I are already picking new races and planning our training strategy for next year. One aspect includes doing weight watchers together. I know how much it helps to have a workout partner, so I hope the same will apply to WW.

I’ll continue to write how much and in the different ways I think training for this race has helped me.

We got to the race at 5 am and our wave was going to start at 7:40 am but it felt more like 10 minutes to me before we were in the water waiting for the buzzer to go off. I felt surprisingly confident, partly because I had no expectations of great times or anything, and didn't have much anxiety (which is so unlike me or maybe I just suppressed it).

I beyond exceeded my expectations in the swim. I had no problems doing freestyle and feeling great, although some woman for a bit kept trying to grab my ankle. Once I broke out of the pack and stopped getting bumped into, it was nothing. I noticed I caught up to and was swimming in the wave that had gone out ahead of me and that gave me a boost.

Then we actually had to run a quarter of a mile from the beach to the transition area and I could tell I was pretty serious about my transition, I didn't want to fool around (which was funny, the little competitor in me came out). Of course I didn't do great on the first transition and got knocked over by another biker before I could even get on my bike. The bike was nice and I tried to use it to recover for the run, my toughest part. I thought I paced myself well and took the bike easy but I couldn't imagine how I was going to run after all that. My run was half run half walk, I didn't feel too tired, but my body didn't feel like it had much strength left. That was my worst run time, but I don't care. I did better overall than I thought I would.

Each leg of the race I kept thinking I'm a third done, I'm two thirds done, it's in the bag, I'm done. It was so funny. I loved hearing people call out my number and encouraging me. It felt like everybody wanted everybody to do well, and it was really wonderful. I didn't get as emotional as I thought, no big waterfall of tears or breakdown. But every time I think about the fact that I did it and when I think of myself as a triathlete (athlete, even) my eyes well up.

I'm so happy I did this and I want to keep going. I'm still in some disbelief and now it seemed to happen so fast, I want to do another one right away.

Sally Edwards who is the director in charge of the Danskin Triathlons (she's 65 and Master's world record holder in the Ironman) said that, as long as she's been doing races and staying fit, every year of her life has gotten better and she wants to break the paradigm that it wouldn't be so.

I want that to be my mantra.

YAY, I did it!

Overall Rank - 908 of 1513
Class Rank - 147 of 214
Swim - 00:17:01
Swim Rank - 542
Trans1 - 00:05:43
Bike - 00:36:17
Bike Rank - 872
Trans2 - 00:01:18
Run - 00:38:17
Run rank - 1221
Pace - 00:12:21
Final - 01:38:39

Since I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a real long time and I can’t afford alternative options or testing etc. I thought I would come up with my own theories for why it’s not happening. That’s healthy, huh? Ever since I saw the movie Lorenzo’s Oil I think I can diagnose myself and discover cures. Seriously.

Anyway, I take a tablespoon of Flaxseed oil once a day because I could swear by it helping with my anxiety and depression. Then I read about how you shouldn’t take it if you’re pregnant because it can cause bleeding. But then I also read it does something to your estrogen levels (not unlike soy). I eat flax and a lot of soy, so I thought maybe that was preventing me from getting prego.

I decided to take a break from the flax despite worrying about the effect on my mental state. I didn’t feel a profound difference in my mood but I gained a few pounds. Initially I didn’t think anything of it but this month I decided to go back on the flax because maybe I started to feel a dip in my mood, I’m not sure. But since I did, I lost three of the 6 pounds I gained. We’ll see if it sticks (and goes further).

My appetite has felt better. I think I’ve been doing less emotional eating. See, maybe that’s where the flax helps, I don’t know but I’m sticking with the Flax. I haven’t been able to find anywhere that says it might prevent or hinder getting pregnant.

See what I consume myself with?!

Not that I’m going to be in a TRIATHLON this weekend!! AAAHHHHH.

We’ve been working out pretty steady so I’m sure I can survive it, although I’m worried about cold ocean water stopping my heart. I’ve been trying to remind myself that I’m just going to coast slowly through it with no expectations. I have to repeat that every second.

I just purchased my bicycle that hopefully arrives in time. I’ll be happy to have one that I can take with me on vacations (like last week which was awesome) and hopefully incorporate into everyday life.

I had also bought a tri-suit to wear for the swimming portion that could transition nicely into the bike riding but when I got it I couldn’t even fit it over my head. I got majorly confused by the size chart on the website and bought a size 30 which translates to a size 4. I don’t think that’s a European size or anything so why I needed to translate in the first place is beyond me. I had to cross coordinate suit type, with sport type, with fabric technology, with plain ole’ fabric, with gender, and everything else under the sun. It really required a quantum physicist doctorate degree that I just don’t have. Now I have to do this race naked, unless I figure this out. I haven’t been able to find a tri-suit in my size anywhere on the web. I might just bust out my “body shapers” or “spanx” and wear those.

I’m not too excited about what I’m going to look like during this race. I’ve seen pictures of athletes that look lean, muscular, and sharp like thoroughbreds. I, however, look like an amorphous blob with a little head (because of swim cap). I have a kind of desperate run for your life (the blobs is ravaging the city) kind of flailing way about me.

Sigh…

I’m in the middle of my vacation right now and that is amplifying my aversion to the computer but I thought I should check in. I don’t want to completely lose touch.

Things are going pretty well but I’m dealing with the inability to perform certain responsibilities. Sometimes I just get maxed out and overwhelmed and need a break. I completely avoid aspects of my life. I hit a wall and there’s a period of time where I just don’t have the energy to pay attention to certain things and I trudge through the bare minimum. I’ve been feeling this way for the past few weeks or more.

I’m still training hard for the triathlon but my eating has been horrendous and last time I checked the scale I had gained 5 pounds. I’m not sure what’s going on. I can’t always tell what is responsible for my emotional swings. If I were to pick things apart everything seems to be going well, I’m just feeling a bit indifferent or flat, I don’t know.

I’ve been eating crappy foods, too often and snacking when I’m not even hungry. When my eating gets like this, it’s usually a sign that I’m out of control about something (not regarding food). I feel like I should be asserting myself somewhere that I’m not. I’m not sure where that somewhere is. It could be a simple as not having accepted some side work where I’ve helped out far more than I’m getting paid for. Or it could be the struggle I have working to much and not spending adequate and desired time with my daughter. I’ve wanted to get a side business off the ground and am not making any headway on it at all (and it’s costing me some money in the meantime).

I have a lot of responsibility and I take on a lot. I get overwhelmed and can barely keep my head above water. So some aspects of my life suffer a bit and I go quite, just focusing on keeping myself from drowning.

Some things are still going OK, like the training and enjoying this vacation with my family. So I’m going to get back at it. I’ll see you soon though (I haven’t been reading blogs either during this hiatus).

Mentally I’m a little insane. I’ve been overwhelmed from working so much and without my exercise to help calm my crazies I’m not feeling great. I have been eating to relax. I don’t want to do that, I just do.

So the update on my weight is that I’m at 182 again. I feel bloated. It struck me last night when I went to my sister’s salon and caught a glimpse of myself in every mirror that I looked heavy.

I feel like I’m running down a steep hill and my legs are barely able to keep up with my torso. I’m on the verge of flipping forward into a massive tumble. Stress has been getting to me lately and I need to regroup and recover. I think I need to sleep all weekend.

I know this has happened to me a million times and it’s nothing new or exciting but I feel the need to post just so that I don’t recede into a denial or anything like that. I can find myself going quiet when I don’t want to acknowledge or think about it. It’s helpful just to put it out there.