The past few months have been difficult. I'm still struggling to get pregnant while many people around me suddenly seem to be announcing their pregnancies. Last month, to no avail, we even tried artificial insemination. We'll probably try A.I. two more times. In vitro fertilization is out of the question for us because it is too expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. (We can afford another child but to throw down 20 thousand dollars on a procedure that has a 20% chance of success isn't a gamble I'm willing to take)

There's a sadness I have that I can't really explain. It doesn't detract from my happiness for my friends who have gotten pregnant or the happiness I feel having my daughter but it exists and I'm coping with it.

A few of my daughter's friends have an "Elf on a shelf" and my daughter talks about it whenever she comes home from their house. Her friend's mom told her that the elf was Santa's helper monitoring how the siblings were getting along and reporting it back to Santa and the reason my daughter probably didn't have an elf come visit was because she is a good girl at home. Just last night, out of nowhere, my daughter told me that if she had a sister we'd have an elf. Those little things break my heart.

I'm not going to give up trying the conventional way to have children (for a while). Trying has also been motivation for eating better and getting healthier.

It was cool to see some familiar faces in the recent comments, hi guys!

It makes me think I need detox or some serious external restraints to stop. I just got rid of all clothes over size 14 so I really need to set this back on track because my pants are nearly cutting me in half.

I did acupuncture about four times but it's really expensive and I don't feel different enough to justify going back when I need to conserve money for my daughter's Christmas presents.

Now I'm going to try hypnosis when I go to bed and every day I am going to give it my best effort to exercise. I don't think that there's a "pill" (the acupuncture or hypnosis) out there that's going to make this easy or anything. I know it's calories in versus out and that I need to exercise but I need something to help quiet my mind or ease my nerves or whatever it is that's going on.

I'm going to try and squeeze in the most moderate amount of exercise and see if that will help kick me into gear.

Friday I hosted my book club and have a ton of not-so-great choices in my kitchen at the moment. I keep eating them (mostly as large meals not perpetual snacking) and telling myself that it'll be over soon and I can get back on track. It's so difficult for me to let those items go (and possibly be thrown away). Thank goodness I only host a couple times a year or so.

I also have been having a hard time devoting any time to working out. I think the biggest issue is being able to take the time out from work. I seem to give work most of my time and more often than not, over the average work week. I get paranoid at being great at my job for job security.

I don't know. That's about all I have in me tonight.

I'm always running around like a chicken with its head cut off and have a nervous odgeda. But lately (maybe as recent as tonight) I feel that, while I really am busy, I'm only doing stuff I really want to be doing with and for people I really care about. So it's OK. I might want to start scheduling myself better but it's been worth it so far.

Still I need more sleep. I'd be so much better with more sleep.

Ate today:
Veggie patty and a single serving bag of potato chips
small omelet in a half of a pita - and I actually ate this at the table rather than in front of a computer
bowl of broccoli cheese soup and bread
grapes

Managed to resist more potato chips

hmm... that kind of looks like a lot

How do I feel right now? just tired. Feel like I can't belabor this or I won't keep this up.

There's been no major change, I'm still struggling. Rather than hovering in the low 180s I'm hovering around 187. Still not pregnant. Currently no motivation to workout.

My health insurance is entering a re-enrollment /benefits change period and rather than making health improvement programs voluntary and reward based they are making them mandatory with penalty repercussions. I am required to go to a screening where they will evaluate what program I need to participate in and hold me to it or my premiums will go up. I know I'll be required to do a weight management program. They didn't work for me in the past but I'm game to try again.

I've just started going to acupuncture for fertility, weight management, & stress. We're focused on fertility primarily at the moment I think. I've only been twice and its really relaxing but I'm not sure I feel different yet.

I don't think I have the energy to really log my food with calories etc.
What I ate today:

• plain omelet in half a pita
• tofurkey with spinach rolled in whole wheat wrap & side of chinese noodles
• vegetarian chili
• medium Maggie-moos ice cream
• cup of veggie broth with onion

I'll try and post more details about it but of course I seem to only think about posting when I'm about to fall asleep. I wanted to get this picture of myself up before I wait any longer and chicken out.

The best thing about this picture is that my daughter saw me coming and broke away from my husband and ran through the finish line right behind me. I actually purchased this picture because of her.

The only thing that motivated me at all during this race was to try and not keep the race officials waiting on me to roll up the finish line.

I'm scheduled to do another one in a month and one in Sept. I really don't want to. I still haven't been able to stick to a workout routine and just don't want to struggle when I'm not prepared.

I've also been eating like there's no tomorrow.
Anywhoo, enjoy the picture, it looks like I'm running about two miles per hour.

Anyway, food makes me feel better, but it's such a quick and short fix that it only really lasts while it's touching my tongue. Moments after I'm done eating I feel like crap all over again.

I've worked out a bunch this week but I can completely offset that in one TV watching evening.

I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls with frustration. I'm at a loss on how to alleviate this tension that comes along with my PMS.

So I'm sitting here typing while watching TV and fighting the urge to make popcorn. With large amounts of butter. Maybe watching Top Chef Masters isn't such a good idea.

I'll keep you posted whether or not I cave. I'm so close to caving.

{Update}

F-IT! I can do this. I didn't make anything to eat and I just shut off the TV.

Lynne over at "Faster" actually gave me a moment of motivation just after reading the first two sentences of her latest post. I'll copy them here in case you don't click the link.

Since 2003 I have lost about 30 pounds. SLOW is an understatement, but this year 180+/- pounds has felt pretty good.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as her. I'm really happy I clicked that link because it's been too long since I've explored the land of weight loss blogs and caught up on any reading.

Anyway, I need to go to bed before I'm lured by the fridge or pantry again.

ONE VICTORY TODAY.

I haven't been completely inactive. I just did a 5k this past weekend and I get in anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 runs per week. But I counter any activity with a lot of eating. Thank goodness my weight hasn't gone up, but it's far from going down.

I want to do better in these races and I know it's killing me to run with all this weight. There's no doubt in my mind that cutting 10 or more pounds would drastically improve my ability and times.

I've been wanting to eat so much lately and craving fattening, salty foods. Whenever I'm watching TV, I know I shouldn't eat anymore for the day but I don't stop thinking about what I want to eat until I am actually chomping on it.

I know all that I can do is say enough is enough and do things differently. Right now it seems like a near impossible task.

I want to lose 40 pounds.

Can I do this. (I'm kind of afraid to make that a question).

http://video.about.com/hairremoval/See-the-Threading-Technique.htm

Also, I've been doing well drinking my water and running. I have a 5k to do this weekend and I hope to run the whole thing. Fingers crossed.

I started drinking water. I'm not going crazy trying to get in 8 cups or anything because before this week I didn't even drink water that wasn't Crystal Light-ized. I just bought a cute stainless steel water bottle that holds 24 ounces, keep it by my desk, and try to drink from it. No pressure.

I've cut down on caffeine after lunch. Most days I didn't even have any after lunch. (I'm hoping this will help my sleeping.)

I went to bed by 11 (which is early for me) a few days too. So I was less grouchy.

I've gone running in my neighborhood, which is nice and more convenient than the gym.
I went out and bought a few new clothing items. That was hard. I wasn't loving myself in anything summer-y. Cotton summer shirts are so thin they cling to my every roll and bra line and look yucky and I don't look great in shorts. I need to move where it's cold all year long.

I also bought new underwear and socks. Not a lot of fun but a necessity, as most of mine are disintegrating. I'm going away with some girlfriends for the weekend and I don't want them to accidentally catch a glimpse of my current underwear and think I shoot bullets out of my butt when I fart.

Oh, and I got my eyebrows threaded.

I feel like I've pampered myself a little bit this week.

Baby steps.

Here are my stats. I included my last one so you could compare how much worse I did.

MY RANK!
354 people were in it and 6 didn't finish
348 people did finish
345 - ME!!!!!!

ONLY 3 PEOPLE FINISHED SLOWER!!!!!!!!!

I think my running (which was total walking, needs some improvement :-)
But I'm happy I finished and I'm happy I did it.

I know it's been a long time since I posted and that's because there really has been no dramatic change in my life. My weight has been holding steady right around 180.
But the summer is starting to heat up and I have two more tr!athlons to do. Another big impact on my life has been some friends that I've been making over the past year. I've been spending more time with a group of women who are my age and look a hundred times better than me. They have been my motivators to workout (even though I haven't done so well in a couple of months) and be more social.

I don't quite feel that spark of inspiration (that flipped switch or anything) but I want to find the strength to take more pride in how I look, even at this weight. I want to spend a little more energy in presenting myself better rather than always wearing worn jeans and a grungy sweat shirt, even if it's nice fitting new jeans and a clean sweatshirt.

Here's a precise list of a few goals that I want to achieve (work towards over the summer and hold onto forever)

1 -- I want to get in shape and lose weight for the next tr!athlons. My goal is merely 10 pounds by the end of July (totally plausible).

2 -- Take more pride in my appearance. Shop for a few nice clothes to wear and remember to wash my face in the morning.

3 -- Learn to balance work and life better. I am a workaholic, which was fine when I was younger and single but now with a family and the best daughter ever, I need to change that.

After surviving a REALLY tough race yesterday I feel like I can do these things. It's just about having the will to do it.

(rather than working so much. sometimes i feel like i hardly see her.)

guilt on top of missing her doesn't feel so great.

Things have been going really well and I've been quite busy. That's mostly why I haven't posted. I still work a lot and when I have free time I want to spend it with my family and friends. I can't get myself to stay on the computer an extra minute.

As my daughter gets older our social life has really picked up. We're settling in here in NJ and making a bunch of new friends. It feels super great.

I've met a bunch of women who motivate me to work out because we go in groups. I'll be doing three triathlons this summer (with these new friends and my sister). My training regimen has just picked up for the first Tri on May 31. Physically I've been feeling very in shape and strong. My weight loss efforts are still a lot tougher, but I've been holding steady at 180 lbs. I'm trying to slowly chip away at that so the weight stays off and doesn't send me into a yo-yoing frenzy.

So while I would rather be thinner, I'm pretty OK with how that's going and I know as my training picks up (as it has over the past couple of weeks) I will probably lose a bit more. I'm already 9 pounds thinner than I was when I did the last Triathlon in September.

I always hold on to hope that I'll reinvent myself a little more this year, redesign this site, and get back to posting regularly. On the big events, like the triathlons or if I ever get prego again (nope still not yet), or anything else major, I'll be sure to share. On big things like that I feel way more compelled to write. I guess on some of the mundane stuff it's hard to find the motivation or something that will make it interesting from day to day.

Thanks for checking in on me

Everything is going well. I've been doing pretty well on WW and have lost 10 pounds. It remains to be seen if I gained any of that back over Thanksgiving though. I'll find out the damages on Wednesday. Last time I weighed, I was 178.

I've been working out sporadically but am signed up for another triathlon in July so I'll definitely become more consistent soon.

I've missed this. Work has me a little bothered today and I just want to get away for a moment and this is the first place I thought about wanting to be. I don't have long and probably can't click around to even get caught up on some comments (and where they lead to), but I'll check it all out again later.

Talk to you soon (I'm pretty sure I will)