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October 28, 2011

This made my day

Over the past couple of weeks I've had a few days here or there that have been a little rough for a various number of reasons.

Today my husband emailed me this ... poem?...

It made me feel worlds better. He might not like me sharing but I had to.

*******
Good morning sweetiepies!

The fact that you are
exhausted, tired, broken,

carpal-tunneled, weekend-overloaded,
"Psyche"-deprived, iPad-violated, iPhone-cheated, cupcake-tormented,
cake-tempted, pig-hormone-not-cutting-it, trapped-in-kingdom-of-felines,
synthetic-hormone-deprived, buddy-wants-a-human-playmate,
buddy-i-love-you-but-gimme-a-break,
exhausted, tired and broken

may have caused
certain gloomy thoughts
to clot your mind

but, remember

those little shitballs and Jasmine
are worth it,
even if the worst-case-scenario
comes to fruition:

we may no longer have money
but ample debt
we may no longer have sleep
but endless fatigue
we may no longer have sex
but barrels of self-lubricant

still,

those little shitball and Jasmine
are worth it

so,

stop worrying
and learn to love
our new life

i love you and three
balls of you-know-what

:)

Posted by hopeful @ 11:50 AM

October 19, 2011

Getting big so fast

Holy cow, time flies.

We're getting so big, so fast

Posted by hopeful @ 2:37 PM

September 28, 2011

This describes me well

My favorite line from this article:

These days, when I am home, I pump on the sofa in front of the TV - an image I hope will one day unburn itself from my husband's retinas. I imagine I look like some weird experiment in animal husbandry in which I am both the farmer and the cow.
-- Alison B. Hart

Posted by hopeful @ 12:55 PM

September 23, 2011

2 months later...

It is all fantastic!

I am loving life with my babies! I should have updated sooner but we've been busy :-).

Our summer was great, we got out with the babies right away, going to the pool, visits with family and friends, and even our annual vacation on Martha's Vineyard (during the hurricane no less!)

Having my husband and daughter (7.5yrs) off of work and school was essential to our success at taking care of the babies and enjoying our summer. We were like a finely tuned relay team. We didn't have to sacrifice a thing.

In keeping with the theme "we are super fortunate", a week after we got home from the hospital we, essentially, inherited a nanny. A friend of mine suddenly got transferred to Chicago and her fantastic nanny became available right when we needed her.

Our nanny started right when school started, 3 weeks before I return to work, so I have really been able to enjoy the last days of my maternity leave. Right away I knew I loved her so much I shaved two weeks off of my leave and will return to work sooner. I start work next Friday.

The only downside is that I can't afford this nanny. I can't really afford any of the infant care options for two children (that don't terrify me). When the babies are just a year older, there may be a few more options available. The piece of mind our nanny is giving us is worth the financial sacrifice and effort needed to recoup our savings.

I love where we're at and I wouldn't change a thing. I always remember when I didn't think any of this was going to happen for me. I feel blessed.

OH AND AS IF I HAVEN'T BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH... I am weighing in at 182, EIGHT pounds below my pre pregnancy weight! Truth be told I was down 4 lbs below pre prego weight about a week after birth once the swelling had gone down. I only had gained baby weight during prego-ness.

I am amazed I did so well, my first pregnancy was nothing like this one.

I am hoping to take that further and get myself down another 25-30 lbs.

With out further ado, let me introduce Angela and Stephen.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:58 PM

July 26, 2011

We did it!

On July 21st. I gave birth to my baby girl, Angela and baby boy, Stephen.  

Now we're home dealing with the disbelief.  

My husband and daughter have been amazing at getting our home organized, changing diapers, and taking care of me.  I'm recovering from my c-section and doing very well. All I have to do is breastfeed and get strong again.

Emotionally, I've been feeling very stable, strong and happy.  I was worried that I would feel the depression and fear I had after my first daughter.  I wouldn't be normal if I didn't feel a little emotional and anxious, but overall I feel great.

I haven't weighed myself yet because I still have my edema.  Once that alleviates I'll weigh in.  

HOLY COW, I forgot to mention that my twins were born at 38 weeks and they weigh 8lbs 2oz, and 7lbs 3oz.!  I had almost 16 pounds of baby in me!!
No wonder I was sooo big!!

I did feel like I was going to fall forward all the time!

Posted by hopeful @ 8:20 PM

July 18, 2011

3 more days left

Thank you all for the wonderful comments.

I don't have a lot of readers or commenters, but the ones I have are women (and bloggers) who I read and admire a ton. And have for years, that just makes me feel great!

I really appreciate the support right now because I am 3 days away from giving birth via a planned C-section and I'm definitely getting nervous about it.

I am anticipating an emotional whirlwind. There's so much brewing in me I can't even handle thinking about it right now without breaking down and crying.

I just wanted to check in and show how huge I am. I have gained 40 lbs now and the babies are big, each over 6.5 lbs. My infamous edema has surfaced again too. My legs from just above the knees down are huge, it's quite painful!

I will update with how I'm doing, even if I'm a little slow to.

Check me out...

Posted by hopeful @ 12:15 AM

June 5, 2011

31 weeks 22 lbs

Here I am at 31 weeks. I have 6 to 7 weeks, at most, left to go.

I've been doing very well, feeling well. My weight gain has stayed quite minimal. Last week at the doctor's I had gained 5 lbs which is the most I've gained in a two week period so far. That jump put me at 20 lbs officially, but I'm guessing I'm at 22 since being weighed there.

The weather is starting to really get hot now and my feet just started swelling on a regular basis, so I can tell this last month will be the toughest yet.

I've been a little powerless to the feeling of needing a lot of rest. I have been making sure I go easy on myself, but am getting nervous that I'm not ready and that there is a ton of preparation left to do. Yet my brain feels incapable of figuring out what actually remains to be done.

Emotions and anxiety levels are beginning to rise. I still feel like I'm holding it together better than I have in the past and have to just go with it.

I have more confidence lately, and for a while now, that I can handle what life throws me (ever since my mom passed away because that felt like the worst). Drawing from her strength as inspiration, I'll do it.

Here are my pics. My mirror and room are a mess! Pardon me.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:59 AM

May 6, 2011

26 weeks

I am actually 27 weeks, but last week I didn't get around to posting.

According to the doctor's scale I gained 13 pounds so far! Wheh-hew! I'm doing better managing my weight while prego, than when I'm not prego.

I had a bit of a scare two weeks ago when my doctor sent me to the hospital for monitoring because she thought I was dilated and showing signs of pre-term labor. After five hours and many tests it turned out to be a false alarm, but it really threw me for a loop.

A day after that I found out I failed my glucose test (not to what extent, just that I failed.). I was really bummed out thinking it was the beginning of a very difficult phase I would have to endure for my last trimester.

Thinking that I had gestational diabetes really motivated me to cut down on refined carbs even more. I ate super well prior to taking my three hour gluose test. During that week I LOST a pound and a half.

Just today I found out that I passed and don't have diabetes! YAY! I still want to eat well, keeping the carbs low, because I don't want to trigger whatever made me fail my first test. As I mentioned, they never told me what my numbers were for the first test. Maybe I was close to passing, I don't know. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm going to continue to eat well, period.

Here are pictures of me at 26 weeks

Posted by hopeful @ 11:07 PM

April 13, 2011

Mission accomplished

I am so relieved that I told work!  

My manager received it well, thank goodness, as I was expecting him to because I do consider him a friend.

I stressed my dedication to work, which is true.  I love this job because they allow me to work completely from home in a location that is far from any headquarters.  It is the best situation for me and I will work hard to keep it.

Not working is not an option for me because I am the primary earner in our household.  We can't be without either income, but if I lost my job it would have nearly twice the impact on our financial situation.

In an ideal world I'd get to do more with my children.   Although, I can't say I'm unhappy about how it has worked out with my daughter.  We have a wonderful life together.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT...

Remember in my last post I whined about coming off of maternity leave 5 weeks early?  

The reason I had to start so quickly was because a very good friend of  mine started a consulting company (to save the butts of all of us who had just been laid off) and needed me to help land a client.  Well, that man, who I feel completely indebted to because he also helped me get my current job, was just hired by my company in a very high position.  I think he could be a great ally for me in this situation and speak to my work ethic and dedication.

I hope and feel confident that everything will work out well with my job.
I will make it so.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:01 AM

April 7, 2011

12 pounds it is!

Yay, according to the doctor's scale I have only gained 12 pounds!

At this rate My post prego weight could end up being the same or slightly less (miracle).
Holy cow.

****

A second ago I just finished writing the first draft of my letter to my manager announcing my being prego. This has, already, brought on a sense of relief. Over the next couple of days i'll get a few second opinions, then I'll send it to his personal email on Sunday.

Even though I haven't met my manager in person, we've had many personal conversations, and I consider him a friend. It has been a little hard not telling him for that reason. I will be SO relieved!

The next big obstacle, that I will have to battle not putting off, is hiring a nanny. As much as I wish I didn't need to, I have to work.

How different it was with my daughter.
At that time, my boss took me to lunch at his favorite italian restaurant, which alone freaked me out. I thought he was going to fire me or give me an indecent proposal. The twilight-zonian conversation consisted of him asking me if I thought about having children, and when I choked out some sort of "I guess so", he said "good, you should, and you should do it soon."

That must have been some sort of omen because, I swear, I got pregnant within a couple of months. Of course I told him right away. What a diligent employee I had been :-) !

It turns out he was going out of business and laying everybody off and thought I should do it while I had good insurance. I'm dead serious about that. My last day of maternity leave was my last day of employment with him. Actually, my maternity leave was cut short by three weeks, but who's counting.

As luck would have it, or unluck depending on how you look at it, my husband had just dropped out of graduate school and was, too, unemployed. I call it luck because we had no need for a nanny.

I hightailed it back to work five weeks after my c-section (looking for some sympathy with this) and my husband stayed at home for the next three years (I was jealous).

Looking back, I feel so fortunate about all that. I had blessings from work and my daughter had her loving father at home.

I hope the outcome, this time, goes as well as that one. It will certainly be different.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:19 PM

April 5, 2011

22 weeks

OMG,
I still haven't told work yet! Although, I do plan on telling my manager at the beginning of next week when he gets back from vacation.

Everything is still going well and according to my scale I've gained about 12 to 13 pounds. I'll try and remember to update after tomorrow's doctor weigh-in.

I've been hustling to get my house in order, the nursery set up, and everything else I need to get done for the babies. I'm nearly there. It'll be nice when I can just sit back, relax, and ride out the remaining days.

Not a whole lot of change going on here on a daily basis (on the outside, that is, on the inside I am starting to feel kicking).

Here are pictures of me at 22 weeks

Posted by hopeful @ 11:44 PM

March 12, 2011

19th Week Progress

Over the past three weeks I gained 6 more pounds (for a total of 8) and that's a great amount. I weigh 198 and my belly has finally popped making me look pregnant. At least to people who knew me before. I'm not sure that someone who didn't know me would have the nerve to ask if I was pregnant. As a general practice I never assume someone is prego.

I still feel great, albeit a little tired. Some friends have supplied me with a lot of hand me downs and I have my office all cleaned out and ready to become the nursery. I'm confident I will be extremely prepared and organized by the time these babies arrive home.

Here are pictures of me at 19 weeks

Posted by hopeful @ 5:18 PM

February 23, 2011

One of each!

The results from my most recent ultrasound and a second opinion from a different nurse supported the one boy one girl theory.  

I'd say it's official but technically my anatomy ultrasound isn't for another three weeks.

Everything is still going super smooth and as icing on the cake, I've only gained 1 pound this month for a total of 2 pounds since the begining!  And that's on the doctor's scale!! Yay!

Now my new most pressing obstacle and thing that has me most nervous is telling work.

I am planning to hold off for at least another month.  FMLA states I only need to give 30 days notice.  I'm going to give much more than that but, luckily for me, I can conceal it for a little longer.

I work soley from home and haven't met the majority of people I work with in person.  My offices are in two different states far far away.

I work in a male dominated industry that hasn't given me the impression they are family oriented nor would take too kindly to me taking three months off.

I hope I'm wrong.  I feel very fortunate to have my job and wouldn't want it jeopardized.  

On the other hand, I have worked very hard and deserve three months to start my children off right upon entering this world.  Because then I have to return to work 100 percent.

I'll save more details for another post. I really just wanted to update about my gender news and minimal weight gain!

Posted by hopeful @ 11:15 PM

February 15, 2011

Fortune-ate

I'm so happy to see so many cool people from my past commenting on here! Thanks for checking in despite how infrequently I've been posting.

I'm feeling great at 4 months and have gained 3 pounds now (according to my scale, not the Doc's). I have been very motivated to only eat foods that are healthy and purposeful and am doing quite well at it.

Last week I went in for an unscheduled ultrasound because I was having a little spotting. Everything is totally fine and it was nothing to worry about but I did get a sneak preview at the possible gender of the babies. The doctor is almost sure one is a boy and one is a girl. That would be ideal! The boy is a definite, because once you see his package, there's no mistaking it. There is a possibility that the "girl" was hiding something or not at a good angle. And it was still technically a little early yet, so this Friday they should be able to confirm.

That news makes me so excited.

My confidence has been soaring lately and my anxiety has been real low. Yay! I'm not exactly sure why and it's unexpected because I have been a nervous Nelly my whole life. I am not going to question anything and will just try to hold on to this feeling.

Even my husband is starting to get excited and he was petrified before. As we start to share our news with more people it is becoming more real and it's just great.

A few nights ago we ate at a Chinese restaurant. The process of receiving our fortune cookies is very important to us, at least to my daughter and me. We really try to focus and feel which cookie was meant for us. I save my fortunes, unless they're completely ridiculous, as a constant reminder and to "will" their prophecies my way.

The picture above is of the fortunes that were left for my husband and I after my daughter dove for hers.

I am sooo sure they are accurate! :-)

Posted by hopeful @ 3:13 PM

January 23, 2011

I've just completed my first trimester!

Thank goodness!

We've just started telling family.  I can't believe we managed to keep it secret throughout the holidays when I saw so many people.

I got all my risk test results and my first ultrasound this past Thursday.  They weren't able to tell the gender but everything looks great in the ultrasound (there are still two in there) and the risk results are great too.  My risk for down syndrome was 1 in 2,281 the same as a 20 year old! And the risk for trisomy is 1 in 4,061 which is also the same as a 20 yr old.

So I feel loads of relief.  I won't be able to find out the gender until I go in for another ultrasound in one month.

My weight has remained stable too, I haven't gained an ounce yet.  I've been eating very well making sure that most everything has a healthy purpose, no junk food.

I can feel a small baby bump below my layer of chub and think pretty soon I'll start photo documenting things.

I'm very happy.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:04 PM

January 19, 2011

Mom

Here is a picture of my daughter after just getting her ears pierced. 
She looks so happy and proud and that emotion looks so pure.

When I look at this picture it makes me want to cry because I love her so much and may be a little sad I can't gobble her up and absorb her enough.  Am I hormonal? Possibly.

A year and a few days ago my mom passed away. She would often say that I "would understand when I became a mom" and that I'd "miss [her] when [she was] gone." How true this is, hits home every day.

I never realized how much I missed my mom in her absence until I absolutely wasn't able to see her again.

And I have never before felt the emotions that my daughter brings out in me (as, too, my mom mentioned).  She takes them to a whole other level and when I see her it takes restraint not to hug, kiss, and hold her a ton.  For the most part she let's me smother her because she's very affectionate.

I am typically not affectionate. I don't hug or kiss (anybody other than my daughter) much.  I don't like to be touched for long periods of time.  Nothing traumatic made me this way, I've always been like this.  I've gotten a little better with age but not much.

I feel sad that I begrudged my mom the ability to hug, kiss, and smother me like I know she longed to.  Now knowing how she felt, I am sure she looked at me as I do my daughter.

I defiantly gave my mom a little kiss on the cheek a few days before she left for the vacation she never came home from.  She asked for a kiss and i got pissy because apparently I am limited in the number of kisses I can tolerate and I thought I would see her again the day she was leaving for a proper goodbye. But I didn't get to see her again.  

At that moment when she looked at me with a little sadness in her face I know exactly what she was thinking because I am now a mother.

I love and miss you mom.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:46 PM

January 6, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone (all 3 or 4 of you) :-)

Seeing your comments compelled me to write.  I've been very nervous for the past 10 weeks as though I'm waiting for the sky to fall.  I know I shouldn't think that way but I have a little post traumatic stress as a result of this past year (the worst of my life thus far).

Things have been going well lately though and the year ended in a complete 180 degrees from how it started.  I am pregnant with twins! I can't wrap my head around it.

Tonight I received my first bag of maternity hand-me-downs. This is the start of me embracing my pregnancy and enjoying it (which is another reason I'm writing).  I'm still nervous and I have many obstacles to overcome but it looks as though this is really happening.

So far everything is proceeding perfectly normal.  Two weeks away from completeing my first trimester I still weigh exactly 190 with an occasional 189.  Actually just a day ago I noticed my appetite coming back.  I haven't had morning sickness (same with my first pregnancy) I just haven't had much of a taste for anything.  

Managing my weight this time is extremely important for my health and safety as well as the babies. It is going to be a challenge.  I can hardly imagine how i'm going to be able to stand by the end of this.

There is going to be so much to write about, my life is going to be changing so much.  My mind goes a little blank or numb when I think about still.  I think I just have to let it unfold and see where it leads me. 

Posted by hopeful @ 11:19 PM

December 1, 2010

Still in disbelief

It worked. I am currently pregnant. I will continue to be nervous until I am a little more out of the woods, but I feel great for overcoming the first incredible obstacle.

I didn't post going through my last cycle because it was a bit of a roller coaster and I was almost told the transfer wouldn't happen in which case I would be at the end of the road.

It seems as though a miracle happened. I'm working to stay positive that everything will turn out great. I'm not sure when I'll rest a little easier, I guess once you have kids you don't ever. I will have my first ultrasound in five days and that should provide a little relief and I think I find out if I have one or two. I'd be thrilled with either.

I will keep updating. I hope that I get the chance to write about staying healthy and managing my weight through this pregnancy.

I feel very fortunate to be where I am right now, it makes me hopeful.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:04 AM

November 4, 2010

Holding steady

So far so good at holding my weight steady at 191. I haven't put a lot of effort into losing more but I do feel in control and my eating and moods have been moderate.

I'm going easy on myself while in the midst of my second IVF cycle. I don't feel quite as good as I did last time, maybe because I'm on a different medicine regimen or coincidentally I'm also sick right now.

My emotions feel as though they've been a little numbed. Maybe that's to protect myself. I'm not complaining I feel OK.

This has been a really rough year but i've learned a lot about coping and my anxiety level has gone down. I've been afraid of really bad things happening, but now that many of them have, and I've survived, I'm not in fear any more.

I feel optimistic and that I'm capable of a lot. I'm not going to try to drastically and suddenly change my weight, but I will slowly whittle away this excess and remain healthy.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:04 AM

October 1, 2010

Down a few more pounds

Despite all the craziness and emotional turmoil I am continuing to eat well. I'm quite surprised, but I am taking a different approach than I have before.

I used to get really annoyed when my hypnosis instructors would say imagine yourself eating something bad, try to smell it, taste it, and then really feel what you feel afterwards, how stuffed and how bad you feel. Yadda yadda yadda. I always imagined pizza (yummy!) and I wouldn't go any further and then I'd want pizza so damn bad. Ultimately I'd always get it.

Now it's similar, yet different. I am flat out abstaining from pizza, not depriving myself completely of all things bad, just some things, mostly cheese. But what's different is that I'm bypassing the step where I imagine myself eating the bad food and am just focusing on how bad I felt 12 or more pounds heavier.

Right after I would lose control and binge, for a brief time, I would have no desire to eat. And that was about the only time I would have absolutely no desire. So I try and take myself back to that feeling, the grossness and heaviness. I also think about how I feel when I need to get dressed up nice, how crappy it is.

Those feeling in contrast to how much better I feel having lost 12-15 pounds is keeping me going. For the time being anyway (I know all too well how it can change).

I'm weighing in at 191 today and feel great. Considering all I've been going through, I'm glad I have this one good thing going on.

I'm moving forward with my second IVF cycle and trying to stay optimistic.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:10 AM

September 27, 2010

Nope

I didn't get pregnant.

I'm so sad. I'm scared about facing the possibility that this may not be possible for me.
I don't even want to think about that now.

It feels similar to losing my mother, I feel devastated, scared, lost... A piece of me gone. Or something, it feels huge and heavy, yet like a void at the same time.

I wish I could take some time off, time to just sleep and quiet my mind. Take a breather to recoup and then get back on with my life.

I know my life is going to be good. But right now I feel so sad. I feel sad for my daughter. I know her life is going to be great too.

I'm not done trying yet. And I know I'll be able to adjust to the outcome, it'll just take a bit.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:11 AM

September 20, 2010

Don't want to leave you hanging

It's been a while and I didn't want to leave you (few) hanging on my progress.

Things have been going very well, not only have I finished the hard part of the IVF cycle unscathed I also lost about 10 pounds!

I'm weighing in at 194 and am waiting for pregnancy results (5 more days).

I feel great, that 10 pounds has really made a difference in how my clothes fit, my face and my attitude.

As far as the IVF everything has gone smoothly, no bad news or anything, pretty run of the mill for someone trying this late in her (barely) thirtys. So I'm staying optimistic. Other emotions I suspend until I cross certain bridges.

Mentally I have been feeling great, I hope it isn't soley all the hormones I'm loaded up with. I've wondered if they have helped me lose weight.

I'll update as soon as I find out the results, I'm sure.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:23 PM

August 17, 2010

Updated stats

I updated my stats that are located above, to the right of my picture. I weigh 15 pounds heavier than I did last year at this time and 40 pounds heavier than four years ago. Bummer.

But I am happy that I weighed in at 200 this morning, down 5 lb.s in 3 weeks and that I am continuing to go to the gym. Today I jogged one mile and walked a mile, along with doing some weights.

Thank goodness I feel really happy about this and it is countering how I feel about my medicine situation.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:31 PM

Holy cow

I am stunned and feel like I've been punched in the face.

I have been receiving letters from my prescription plan company informing me they are refusing to cover some of the medication needed for IVF. They completely deny that there's proof I need the meds despite my doctor saying so.

This could make my medication cost three times as much, upwards of 15k!! On top of what I've already paid for the services!!

Shortly after letting the fertility clinic know of the denial, they had another pharmacist call me who said he could possibly help me. He said worse case scenario he should be able to get me a slight discount because he has a direct line to the drug manufacturers. He chose this as a specialty because his family went through IVF.

Despite that small ray of light, I'm bummed. It is hardly a ray of light because things have gotten worse, just not quite as bad as I thought.

This process is devastating. And it is a little hard to talk about it to people in my real life. My husband, if he knew I was being run through the mill like this, would probably encourage me to bail completely.

I don't know how crazy people think I am for doing this.

I feel very sad that this process isn't made more accessible (ideally covered).

Right now I feel sad and anxious.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:19 PM

August 16, 2010

I've been working out

Over the past three weeks I have managed to workout 4 to 5 times a week and I've barely lost 4 pounds. But that's ok. I don't care how slow I chip away at this weight, I just want to keep bringing it down. In fact this rate might be just right for me because it doesn't drive me crazy or lead me to want to starve and binge or anything. It will also be much healthier in the event I become prego.

When I weighed myself three weeks ago I saw 205! This morning I was 201 and I'm eager to get back into the 100s.

I want to continue to write about my efforts to lose weight and my experience going through IVF. Hopefully that turns into chronicling a healthy pregnancy where I miraculously gain the minimum amount of weight.

I have my next appointment this Thursday to determine my medication regimen, etc. The cost of said meds maybe 5k (on top of what I already paid). I am curious to see if insurance will cover any of it.

Thanks everyone for your concern and well wishes!

Posted by hopeful @ 4:18 PM

August 3, 2010

Cheers

I could really use a drink today or a pill to help me relax.
  
I got my period.  Which isn't a big surprise because we took a month off of any fertility assistance, but I was still hoping.

This marks the beginning of the IVF process and I'm feeling nervous.  All things medical freak me out a bit and I'll have to go under scary anesthesia.

The next bit has compounded upon those nerves and sent me into a tailspin.  I've paid the upfront fees amounting to nearly 22 thousand dollars and when my medication arrives i'm looking at another five.  Oh and there will be more because that anesthesia and other little details that are not covered by the program keep adding up.

I'm ok though.  I'm hoping for the best and thinking about my daughter who desperately wants a sibling.  I know I'm doing the right thing for me, but not every aspect of it feels good.  I haven't wavered on my decision at all, yet it has been difficult.

Knowing the next month or two will be physically taxing (and possibly the 9 months after that, then the next 3 to 4 years after that), I have started working out.  Last week I went to the gym four times, and so far, once this week.  This has made me feel good.  Tomorrow I might try and weigh myself and start keeping track.

I have to get into the mode of working really hard because at a minimum I will be working extra to pay all of this off!

Posted by hopeful @ 3:12 PM

July 23, 2010

Taking the plunge

Ok, because I had to get the ball rolling I have picked the plan that allows me four tries with two fresh and two frozen.

This is a good compromise between hopeful and desperate.

I'm not sure I would survive more than 4 attempts.

I am so happy that I had some choices. I'm going to enjoy that happiness for a bit because I know life is going to become a bit difficult in about two weeks.

Thanks for your ear.

Posted by hopeful @ 4:58 PM

Advice

Hi all,

Some good news is that I've found some programs that help fund IVF at a discounted price. Basically this could allow me to have more than one shot at it for about the same amount of money.

Let me break it down real quick (I don't really have time to post right now).

Company 1
I could do 2 cycles (actually 4, 2 fresh/2 frozen) for about 20k
or 3 cycles (actually 6, 3 fresh/3 froz) for about 24k

Company 2
2 cycles (actually 4, 2 fresh/2 frozen) for about 17k (a savings of 8k from my original 25K) quote.

Keep in mind, no refunds - if I use only one cycle and have paid for 3, too bad. (that's how they make any money, thank goodness for these companies though, and I guess it's going for a good cause, to help others too)

The more chances I have the increase in my chances of pregnancy.
I'm already happier knowing I can have more than one chance!

What would you guys do?

Thanks!
H.L.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:32 PM

July 19, 2010

A little R & R

I just got back from a wonderful camping vacation where I didn't think about work and I really honestly felt stress free. And I gained a few pounds. I thought lack of stress would help me maybe lose a couple, but certainly maintain.

We were active and everything.

It's not going to happen without a lot of effort. I have to eat a lot less than I'm accustomed to and I have to move more. Period. And I can't wait another minute. I saw a picture of my mom at my age and she looked beautiful. I looked at a picture of her and I last summer on vacation and we looked nearly the same, her at 67 and me at 37. No, yea, you read that right, I looked like her at 67! I don't look 67 in real life but in the picture my puffy face looked like hers, which I believe was a side effect of poor health like high blood pressure or something. She didn't even weigh as much as me. I'm sure as she was trying to quit smoking she'd say Ef-it, one more day. I have got to try and not wait another day, she has to be a lesson to me.

Lately I feel like I'm always achey and breathing takes effort. I don't want to throw away anymore of my youth.

And if I manage to get pregnant, I'm putting a lot more at risk.

Why is this one aspect of my life so hard and I feel like I've learned nothing over these past million years (more than half my life).

Is success possible without changing my career to aerobic instructor or nutritionist?

I am going to try this week. I'm going to try and start working out again at the Y.

I'm going to eat as though I'm pregnant. I'll be starting IVF in just over a couple of weeks (unless a miracle happens during this unassisted ovulation).

In case you're wondering, I weighed in at 200 lbs. today. Shaking my head in disbelief disgust.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:08 PM

July 8, 2010

Nope

The IUI didn't work.

I just need time to breathe. I'm in disbelief that I am in this position.

This process really chips away at you.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:23 AM

June 15, 2010

Tough choices

Man o man, nothing comes easy for me.

Since last post I have been feeling better. I had been going through the worst mental slump since my mother passed away. My husband and I got through that big fight and are now doing well. I have been able to enjoy the weekends again and generally things feel nice.

Par for the course though, gosh forbid things go easy.

Miraculosly my husband has turned a corner and is being very supportive of having another child and we have been going to a fertility clinic. We went through one cycle of IUI to no success. That was a huge bummer because I really felt prego. I was so excited one night I thought I might even post about betting on that fact. Glad I held out because that would have amplified the let down.

We are now in the process of another try. I am praying to all goodness that this one works out. If it doesn't I am left with a difficult decision to try IVF.

In my mind and heart it is very clear I should try it. I may be out of time as it is, there is certainly no room for me to wait and consider it later. The biggest aspect making it not so clear cut is the fact that it will cost us 25,000 dollars. It is not covered by my insurance. IVF doesn't always work on the first try either and there is no money back guarantee. I would have one shot at it. If it took, it would be the best decision I ever had made and if it didn't, that gamble might haunt me forever.

25k is really out of my comfort zone. I feel it puts my family in a vulnerable position to take away that much of our safety net and savings.

I am also a little nervous about screwing with nature. I am not sure this is a decision I have the luxury of making.

Of course if money weren't an option, I'd do it in a second and then get all philosophical on nature later.

I feel like this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. I'm just praying this IUI takes.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:16 AM

April 17, 2010

Thanks everyone

It's always good to see familiar names. Thank you for your comments, I knew it would help a lot.

I've been eating pretty well since posting. Not exercising though. Still not doing very good emotionally, but not letting it get too much of the best of me. I'm down a couple of pounds today. I'm slowly getting better at tracking what I eat with my new gadget. I'm not stressing on being too accurate because it is still helping me stay more aware.

I'm trying to go easy on myself.

I'm going through yet another phase of questioning what I'm doing and where I'm at in life. Questioning my husband again. I don't want to have regrets and feel like I never lived, and every day life seems to go by faster and faster.

One of the qualities I like least about myself is that I have such a hard time making decisions and a harder time acting on anything. That leaves me often disappointed and probably explains why I don't treat myself so great.

I give too much of myself to my husband and I'm not getting enough in return. I've supported him and made a ton of sacrifices and have yet to receive the same. I'm not just saying that, he is like having a second child.

Here's what I want: I want to go to cosmetology school, I want to be able to work less to spend some more time with my daughter, and to work a little harder for that second child. (my husband would rather not have another child for selfish reasons.)

Right now I wish all it took to get pregnant was for my husband to touch the tip of my finger like E.T.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:14 PM

April 4, 2010

World turned upside down

I was so flattered when I saw that Pasta Queen was pondering where I was. I'm here, occasionally lurking, just enough to stay barely up to date on a fraction of the sites I used to follow.

I was doing ok for a while, managing my weight at around 180. Until a couple of months ago when my world changed like I have never experienced before. Not even like when my daughter was born. My mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Even writing that seems surreal.

I kind of felt like I was doing ok, managing to continue life with a bit of optimism and positivity. Now I'm not exactly sure. It's not getting any easier and I'm still not used to it. I'm simply not happy about it. My weight is probably reflecting that because I'm now at 198, occasionally seeing 200 (I guess when I'm retaining a little more water). 18 pounds in about two months, not so good.

Anywhoo, I've been meaning to resurface even before PQ mentioned me. It feels good to post even when I don't really know what my long term intentions are. Right now writing is distracting me from eating. Good enough.

I just treated myself to an iPad. I hope it makes some tasks easier and more enjoyable, like posting, tracking my calories, and even cooking. It is very cool. Let's see if it keeps me focused.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:01 PM

December 16, 2009

Doing a little bit better

I've had a slightly better grip on the powerlessness of the past few months. I'm down a few pounds and feeling better. I haven't made any significant changes in exercise or diet monitoring, so far I've just consciously (very consciously) chosen to eat less. I all but speak out loud to myself to restrain from eating certain things (or everything).

The past few months have been difficult. I'm still struggling to get pregnant while many people around me suddenly seem to be announcing their pregnancies. Last month, to no avail, we even tried artificial insemination. We'll probably try A.I. two more times. In vitro fertilization is out of the question for us because it is too expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. (We can afford another child but to throw down 20 thousand dollars on a procedure that has a 20% chance of success isn't a gamble I'm willing to take)

There's a sadness I have that I can't really explain. It doesn't detract from my happiness for my friends who have gotten pregnant or the happiness I feel having my daughter but it exists and I'm coping with it.

A few of my daughter's friends have an "Elf on a shelf" and my daughter talks about it whenever she comes home from their house. Her friend's mom told her that the elf was Santa's helper monitoring how the siblings were getting along and reporting it back to Santa and the reason my daughter probably didn't have an elf come visit was because she is a good girl at home. Just last night, out of nowhere, my daughter told me that if she had a sister we'd have an elf. Those little things break my heart.

I'm not going to give up trying the conventional way to have children (for a while). Trying has also been motivation for eating better and getting healthier.

It was cool to see some familiar faces in the recent comments, hi guys!

Posted by hopeful @ 2:41 PM

November 15, 2009

I'm not sure what to try next

I've gained about ten pounds in a month or so. I'm physically feeling pretty bad but I feel almost powerless to stop. I'm in that instant gratification cycle where I eat, feel a high for about five minutes, and then awful when I come down and am aware of my fat. I don't like to use the word powerless but I feel like I'm only half conscious while it's happening and then I wake up feeling guilty when it's swelling in my stomach.

It makes me think I need detox or some serious external restraints to stop. I just got rid of all clothes over size 14 so I really need to set this back on track because my pants are nearly cutting me in half.

I did acupuncture about four times but it's really expensive and I don't feel different enough to justify going back when I need to conserve money for my daughter's Christmas presents.

Now I'm going to try hypnosis when I go to bed and every day I am going to give it my best effort to exercise. I don't think that there's a "pill" (the acupuncture or hypnosis) out there that's going to make this easy or anything. I know it's calories in versus out and that I need to exercise but I need something to help quiet my mind or ease my nerves or whatever it is that's going on.

I'm going to try and squeeze in the most moderate amount of exercise and see if that will help kick me into gear.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:27 AM

October 13, 2009

only partly here

I haven't been able to pay much attention to this blog these days. The same goes for getting my diet back in order. I just have a hard time staying focused. (I'm watching TV right now, I can't even give this my full attention!)

Friday I hosted my book club and have a ton of not-so-great choices in my kitchen at the moment. I keep eating them (mostly as large meals not perpetual snacking) and telling myself that it'll be over soon and I can get back on track. It's so difficult for me to let those items go (and possibly be thrown away). Thank goodness I only host a couple times a year or so.

I also have been having a hard time devoting any time to working out. I think the biggest issue is being able to take the time out from work. I seem to give work most of my time and more often than not, over the average work week. I get paranoid at being great at my job for job security.

I don't know. That's about all I have in me tonight.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:33 PM

October 9, 2009

Acupuncture

I had my acupuncture today and I really think it makes me feel better. It can be challenging getting there because I have to go far away but it's worth it if there is a chance my health insurance will pay for it. Even a famous fertility clinic close by supports acupuncture and offers it in conjunction or as an alternative to fertility treatments. I have yet to see if it has helped me get prego but it does make me feel more relaxed. At risk of looking like a pin cushion I also asked her to see what she can do for stress reduction and weight loss. In the two weeks (three treatments) I've been going, I feel like I've coping better and feeling less ravenous (I hope I don't jinx it).

I'm always running around like a chicken with its head cut off and have a nervous odgeda. But lately (maybe as recent as tonight) I feel that, while I really am busy, I'm only doing stuff I really want to be doing with and for people I really care about. So it's OK. I might want to start scheduling myself better but it's been worth it so far.

Still I need more sleep. I'd be so much better with more sleep.

Ate today:
Veggie patty and a single serving bag of potato chips
small omelet in a half of a pita - and I actually ate this at the table rather than in front of a computer
bowl of broccoli cheese soup and bread
grapes

Managed to resist more potato chips

Posted by hopeful @ 1:02 AM

October 8, 2009

simply a food list

Food for today
Veggie chk'n patty for breakfast
tofurkey sandwhich on potatoe bread with the worst vegan version of mayo ever
two soft boiled eggs with two pieces of toast
boca burger patty with salad
ramen noodle soup w/ broccoli added

hmm... that kind of looks like a lot

How do I feel right now? just tired. Feel like I can't belabor this or I won't keep this up.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:09 AM

October 7, 2009

almost afraid to look

I was almost afraid to look here today but it feels so barren that it actually makes me feel a little more secure in writing.

There's been no major change, I'm still struggling. Rather than hovering in the low 180s I'm hovering around 187. Still not pregnant. Currently no motivation to workout.

My health insurance is entering a re-enrollment /benefits change period and rather than making health improvement programs voluntary and reward based they are making them mandatory with penalty repercussions. I am required to go to a screening where they will evaluate what program I need to participate in and hold me to it or my premiums will go up. I know I'll be required to do a weight management program. They didn't work for me in the past but I'm game to try again.

I've just started going to acupuncture for fertility, weight management, & stress. We're focused on fertility primarily at the moment I think. I've only been twice and its really relaxing but I'm not sure I feel different yet.

I don't think I have the energy to really log my food with calories etc.
What I ate today:

• plain omelet in half a pita
• tofurkey with spinach rolled in whole wheat wrap & side of chinese noodles
• vegetarian chili
• medium Maggie-moos ice cream
• cup of veggie broth with onion

Posted by hopeful @ 12:00 AM

July 4, 2009

I guess you could say I tri-ed

Did I mention that I did a triathlon about a month back? I did basically no preparation for this tri and nearly came in last. Only three people came in behind me and 6 people didn't finish (so I guess I did better than 9 people).

I'll try and post more details about it but of course I seem to only think about posting when I'm about to fall asleep. I wanted to get this picture of myself up before I wait any longer and chicken out.

The best thing about this picture is that my daughter saw me coming and broke away from my husband and ran through the finish line right behind me. I actually purchased this picture because of her.

The only thing that motivated me at all during this race was to try and not keep the race officials waiting on me to roll up the finish line.

I'm scheduled to do another one in a month and one in Sept. I really don't want to. I still haven't been able to stick to a workout routine and just don't want to struggle when I'm not prepared.

I've also been eating like there's no tomorrow.
Anywhoo, enjoy the picture, it looks like I'm running about two miles per hour.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:22 AM

June 24, 2009

Rough week

I feel like I'm PMSing this week, I've been so irritable. But I don't think I should be feeling it so soon because I'm only half way through my cycle. I track my period, not just for wanting to get prego but because I experience PMS pretty bad. A psychiatrist clued me in on my symptoms after she tracked my behavior for a year, unbeknownst to me (this was over 10 years ago). Knowing when its occurring helps me to cope and forgive myself for how I'm feeling.

Anyway, food makes me feel better, but it's such a quick and short fix that it only really lasts while it's touching my tongue. Moments after I'm done eating I feel like crap all over again.

I've worked out a bunch this week but I can completely offset that in one TV watching evening.

I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls with frustration. I'm at a loss on how to alleviate this tension that comes along with my PMS.

So I'm sitting here typing while watching TV and fighting the urge to make popcorn. With large amounts of butter. Maybe watching Top Chef Masters isn't such a good idea.

I'll keep you posted whether or not I cave. I'm so close to caving.

{Update}

F-IT! I can do this. I didn't make anything to eat and I just shut off the TV.

Lynne over at "Faster" actually gave me a moment of motivation just after reading the first two sentences of her latest post. I'll copy them here in case you don't click the link.

Since 2003 I have lost about 30 pounds. SLOW is an understatement, but this year 180+/- pounds has felt pretty good.

I'm pretty much in the same boat as her. I'm really happy I clicked that link because it's been too long since I've explored the land of weight loss blogs and caught up on any reading.

Anyway, I need to go to bed before I'm lured by the fridge or pantry again.

ONE VICTORY TODAY.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:15 PM

June 16, 2009

I need to start this again

I'm cringing as I say this but I need to start making efforts, watching what I eat, and start writing about it again. I have been stagnant for too long. To clarify that, my weight hasn't budged but I've been floundering through many failed attempts at getting back on a successfully moving wagon.

I haven't been completely inactive. I just did a 5k this past weekend and I get in anywhere from 1 to 3 or 4 runs per week. But I counter any activity with a lot of eating. Thank goodness my weight hasn't gone up, but it's far from going down.

I want to do better in these races and I know it's killing me to run with all this weight. There's no doubt in my mind that cutting 10 or more pounds would drastically improve my ability and times.

I've been wanting to eat so much lately and craving fattening, salty foods. Whenever I'm watching TV, I know I shouldn't eat anymore for the day but I don't stop thinking about what I want to eat until I am actually chomping on it.

I know all that I can do is say enough is enough and do things differently. Right now it seems like a near impossible task.

I want to lose 40 pounds.

Can I do this. (I'm kind of afraid to make that a question).

Posted by hopeful @ 12:10 AM

June 10, 2009

Threading

Threading is popular in Asian cultures and I've always gotten my eyebrows threaded in Indian salons. I love it.

http://video.about.com/hairremoval/See-the-Threading-Technique.htm

Also, I've been doing well drinking my water and running. I have a 5k to do this weekend and I hope to run the whole thing. Fingers crossed.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:42 PM

June 4, 2009

Working on myself

Ok, so what have I done this week to make myself feel a bit better?

I started drinking water. I'm not going crazy trying to get in 8 cups or anything because before this week I didn't even drink water that wasn't Crystal Light-ized. I just bought a cute stainless steel water bottle that holds 24 ounces, keep it by my desk, and try to drink from it. No pressure.

I've cut down on caffeine after lunch. Most days I didn't even have any after lunch. (I'm hoping this will help my sleeping.)

I went to bed by 11 (which is early for me) a few days too. So I was less grouchy.

I've gone running in my neighborhood, which is nice and more convenient than the gym.
I went out and bought a few new clothing items. That was hard. I wasn't loving myself in anything summer-y. Cotton summer shirts are so thin they cling to my every roll and bra line and look yucky and I don't look great in shorts. I need to move where it's cold all year long.

I also bought new underwear and socks. Not a lot of fun but a necessity, as most of mine are disintegrating. I'm going away with some girlfriends for the weekend and I don't want them to accidentally catch a glimpse of my current underwear and think I shoot bullets out of my butt when I fart.

Oh, and I got my eyebrows threaded.

I feel like I've pampered myself a little bit this week.

Baby steps.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:06 PM

June 1, 2009

It's me again

I just did another tr!athlon yesterday which I'm still in disbelief about. For a million different reasons (excuses) I wasn't able to prepare for it. I had some people really concerned that I shouldn't do it. But I did and I'm thrilled, despite the fact that my times weren't great and I nearly came in last. And that's NOT an exaggeration.

Here are my stats. I included my last one so you could compare how much worse I did.

MY RANK!
354 people were in it and 6 didn't finish
348 people did finish
345 - ME!!!!!!

ONLY 3 PEOPLE FINISHED SLOWER!!!!!!!!!

I think my running (which was total walking, needs some improvement :-)
But I'm happy I finished and I'm happy I did it.

I know it's been a long time since I posted and that's because there really has been no dramatic change in my life. My weight has been holding steady right around 180.
But the summer is starting to heat up and I have two more tr!athlons to do. Another big impact on my life has been some friends that I've been making over the past year. I've been spending more time with a group of women who are my age and look a hundred times better than me. They have been my motivators to workout (even though I haven't done so well in a couple of months) and be more social.

I don't quite feel that spark of inspiration (that flipped switch or anything) but I want to find the strength to take more pride in how I look, even at this weight. I want to spend a little more energy in presenting myself better rather than always wearing worn jeans and a grungy sweat shirt, even if it's nice fitting new jeans and a clean sweatshirt.

Here's a precise list of a few goals that I want to achieve (work towards over the summer and hold onto forever)

1 -- I want to get in shape and lose weight for the next tr!athlons. My goal is merely 10 pounds by the end of July (totally plausible).

2 -- Take more pride in my appearance. Shop for a few nice clothes to wear and remember to wash my face in the morning.

3 -- Learn to balance work and life better. I am a workaholic, which was fine when I was younger and single but now with a family and the best daughter ever, I need to change that.

After surviving a REALLY tough race yesterday I feel like I can do these things. It's just about having the will to do it.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:57 AM

April 9, 2009

Just wishing

Wishing I could be with my daughter right now.

(rather than working so much. sometimes i feel like i hardly see her.)

guilt on top of missing her doesn't feel so great.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:33 PM

April 6, 2009

I don't know what I'm doing here

I know I have completely abandoned HL. I've also been terrible at keeping in touch with people in my real life (ones that I don't see almost on a daily basis, that is).

Things have been going really well and I've been quite busy. That's mostly why I haven't posted. I still work a lot and when I have free time I want to spend it with my family and friends. I can't get myself to stay on the computer an extra minute.

As my daughter gets older our social life has really picked up. We're settling in here in NJ and making a bunch of new friends. It feels super great.

I've met a bunch of women who motivate me to work out because we go in groups. I'll be doing three triathlons this summer (with these new friends and my sister). My training regimen has just picked up for the first Tri on May 31. Physically I've been feeling very in shape and strong. My weight loss efforts are still a lot tougher, but I've been holding steady at 180 lbs. I'm trying to slowly chip away at that so the weight stays off and doesn't send me into a yo-yoing frenzy.

So while I would rather be thinner, I'm pretty OK with how that's going and I know as my training picks up (as it has over the past couple of weeks) I will probably lose a bit more. I'm already 9 pounds thinner than I was when I did the last Triathlon in September.

I always hold on to hope that I'll reinvent myself a little more this year, redesign this site, and get back to posting regularly. On the big events, like the triathlons or if I ever get prego again (nope still not yet), or anything else major, I'll be sure to share. On big things like that I feel way more compelled to write. I guess on some of the mundane stuff it's hard to find the motivation or something that will make it interesting from day to day.

Thanks for checking in on me

Posted by hopeful @ 2:39 PM

December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

I’m tired. I’m sad that the week long Christmas celebration is over. We did so much with family and friends this past week, it was wonderful. Now I have no more distractions. I really need to get off of my butt anyways.

I did well not gaining weight over Thanksgiving, but Christmas, forget about it. I’m very afraid to go near the scale, although, I don’t even have to because my pants are squeezing the truth out of me. Thanks to the digital age, I already saw pictures from yesterday where I could not make a distinction between my boobs and my belly roll. Unfortunately, after breast feeding I’m not so sure I can assume the one closer to the ground was my belly.

The first half of this year was awful but the second half flipped 180 degrees and was great. Of course, because I suffer from severe anxiety I can hardly find any comfort in that. My new year’s resolution is to feel more in control. I want gain control of my fitness and health and feel like I can enjoy myself. I want to gain the confidence to tackle any crazy situation that might arise. My anxiety convinces me that those crazy situations are imminent and I can only find comfort in that I’m equipped to handle them. I just want to be at peace with myself and the world around me.

I think it’s critical to my mental health to eat well and exercise. I’m quite concerned about by mental-ness that it takes precedence over my weight.

I think I need to cut back on TV to regain my ability to focus. My attention span has diminished to maybe five minutes.

I want to find my passion and become really good at something.

Happy New Year from my family!

Posted by hopeful @ 1:35 PM

June 4, 2005

Chart 5/30/05

This weeks charts!

We've added PrettynPink who just started. See her pink dot, soon to be a line?

If anybody else wants to join up, just email her@hopefulloser.com and put something like "Charts" or "Progress Charts" in the subject so that I can easily sift through all my email to find it.

There is NO PRESSURE here. Well, I certainly hope no one feels it. This is just a way for us all to support eachother and cheer eachother on. For the most part there is a lot of positivity going on here. I really hope that people feel like they can still turn to this site when they are having a difficult time too. Although the chart below shows some pretty good progress for me, it hasn’t been easy. It has taken me 3 months to lose 18 pounds (only 6 a month). There are weeks that I don’t lose and the chart doesn’t reflect the week that I gained. (We didn’t have precise data for the first two months and we used averages, except for Martha who had written stuff down.)

In the past I have fell off the wagon a bunch of times and I think to myself, what if things go bad for me would I just abandon this site? Right now, I really believe I wouldn’t. I’ve said this before, but I have never been honest with anybody about my weight like I have been to this website. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror but for flashing seconds to make sure nothing is too amiss. I have never seen myself to the extent that I see myself in the progress pictures that I post here and I’ve never shared my weight loss experiences and struggles with so many people before. So I attribute a lot of my success to this and if I were really starting to regress I would talk that much more. It was you guys who really got me motivated in the first place, I’m sure it would work again.

Anyway, I was trying not to be so long winded (no such luck, what else is new) and really just wanted to stress that I don’t want anyone to read this site and think “I just haven’t flipped that switch” or “well, I’m just not there yet” then leave and not come back. Don’t go. I can assure you that no switch has been flipped and I’m certainly not there yet either.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:47 AM

May 22, 2005

This Month's Pictures

This is not me

This, however, is. I weighed myself this morning. It’s not the official Monday weigh in, like I think there is really going to be a difference between today and tomorrow. The name “Hopeful” really suits me; maybe I should be called “Delusional”. Anyway, I weighed in at 197, but let me add that it’s that time of the month for me when I’m usually retaining water! I know, delusional, hopeful, whatever and sorry to any guys reading this site for cashing in on that excuse (too much information and because you can’t).

Let me unveil the May versions of myself. I think I look better! The shelf I had going on under my boobs is really starting to diminish and my back looks more slender. I look overall more firm. Cool!

Last Month	This Month

Here are the outlines superimposed over each other. In the colored version the pink is the most recent profile. It looks more like the rings of a tree now, such slight changes.

Now I'll compare the first picture and the latest.

February	May

Holy Cow (substitue expletive here)!!! I'm seeing that for the first time too! Holy Cow!!!!! What a difference around 14 pounds makes! I took that picture just before I made this website, so I weighed at least 211. At the time of my first post I had lost a few pounds weighing 209. I'm so floored right now. Having pictures really helps, It's hard for me to see the differences in real life even though I have been feeling more confident. I'm feeling very motivated to go work out right now! Gotta' go!

Posted by hopeful @ 1:05 PM

April 24, 2005

I’m back and happy to see you guys!

Hey all, I’m back from vacation and my parents have left. Now I have to get back to my regular life! I’m so looking forward to regular exercise and eating well again. My parents don’t super great (I don’t know how they’re not heavier) My mom is a little round and at 5’3” and (maybe)150 lbs, could stand to lose a few, but I’d kill to be that right now and my father is thin.

I didn’t eat great over my vacation, but the upside is that I am beginning to feel more normal in how I eat. Eating at restaurants every meal was certainly challenging and my meals were definitely larger than they should be and, as to be expected, higher in fat. I didn’t stress about the “diet” which felt nice. This allowed me not to feel like I wanted to go nuts and self indulge too much. I ate what I felt like and in most cases if not all, didn’t finish my meals. I used to feel (every time I was eating out) that I needed to eat everything and then some, as though it might be the last time that I allowed myself to do so. I also, surprisingly, didn’t feel compelled to get chips or a snack every time we stopped at a rest area or to refuel. One time I actually did get a bag of Cheetos (the snack size) and only ate half of it! I wasn’t even thinking about it and didn’t even realize it until I got to the hotel room that night (where I excitedly devoured the other half)!

We went to Yosemite national park and it was beautiful!! I felt rejuvenated and wonderful. I was so eager to walk all over the place and had no problem walking 5 miles of hilly trails, much of the time carrying my 22 pounder (my mini me). Unfortunately we only had one day of that kind of exercise, two and a half days was solid driving and half a day was visiting relatives, but the whole trip was great.

I weighed myself this morning and I appear to have gained 2 lbs (204), bummer. It’s that time of month for me so that contributes too (me being optimistic). Below are the pictures as promised. I need to make better note of my weight from my last pictures but I know that I weighed a little more. I think I see a difference in my stomach, although I am standing a little straighter.

I have to kick it into high gear because I am having a dinner with my co-workers in two weeks. I’m meeting a few new members of our team which, by the way, are all men. I want to make a somewhat better impression than I would if I met them today. So I want to work harder than I have been (since I’ve been taking it slow). I have to be careful because sometimes the quicker I lose weight the more obsessed I become. I run the risk of binging (and gaining the weight back, and then some, twice as quick) or just becoming plane old mental and seriously irritable.

We’ll see. Anyhow, I’m so excited to read the comments and get back into the swing of things! I really feel great and positive regardless of the weight gain which is also representative of the new me.

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Here are the outlines superimposed over each other. In the colored version the green is the most recent profile. They are still virtually the same. Again,don't pay any attention to the dot size, that will probably vary always.

Posted by hopeful @ 7:23 PM