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January 19, 2011

Mom

Here is a picture of my daughter after just getting her ears pierced. 
She looks so happy and proud and that emotion looks so pure.

When I look at this picture it makes me want to cry because I love her so much and may be a little sad I can't gobble her up and absorb her enough.  Am I hormonal? Possibly.

A year and a few days ago my mom passed away. She would often say that I "would understand when I became a mom" and that I'd "miss [her] when [she was] gone." How true this is, hits home every day.

I never realized how much I missed my mom in her absence until I absolutely wasn't able to see her again.

And I have never before felt the emotions that my daughter brings out in me (as, too, my mom mentioned).  She takes them to a whole other level and when I see her it takes restraint not to hug, kiss, and hold her a ton.  For the most part she let's me smother her because she's very affectionate.

I am typically not affectionate. I don't hug or kiss (anybody other than my daughter) much.  I don't like to be touched for long periods of time.  Nothing traumatic made me this way, I've always been like this.  I've gotten a little better with age but not much.

I feel sad that I begrudged my mom the ability to hug, kiss, and smother me like I know she longed to.  Now knowing how she felt, I am sure she looked at me as I do my daughter.

I defiantly gave my mom a little kiss on the cheek a few days before she left for the vacation she never came home from.  She asked for a kiss and i got pissy because apparently I am limited in the number of kisses I can tolerate and I thought I would see her again the day she was leaving for a proper goodbye. But I didn't get to see her again.  

At that moment when she looked at me with a little sadness in her face I know exactly what she was thinking because I am now a mother.

I love and miss you mom.

Posted by hopeful @ January 19, 2011 3:46 PM