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January 23, 2011

I've just completed my first trimester!

Thank goodness!

We've just started telling family.  I can't believe we managed to keep it secret throughout the holidays when I saw so many people.

I got all my risk test results and my first ultrasound this past Thursday.  They weren't able to tell the gender but everything looks great in the ultrasound (there are still two in there) and the risk results are great too.  My risk for down syndrome was 1 in 2,281 the same as a 20 year old! And the risk for trisomy is 1 in 4,061 which is also the same as a 20 yr old.

So I feel loads of relief.  I won't be able to find out the gender until I go in for another ultrasound in one month.

My weight has remained stable too, I haven't gained an ounce yet.  I've been eating very well making sure that most everything has a healthy purpose, no junk food.

I can feel a small baby bump below my layer of chub and think pretty soon I'll start photo documenting things.

I'm very happy.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:04 PM

January 19, 2011

Mom

Here is a picture of my daughter after just getting her ears pierced. 
She looks so happy and proud and that emotion looks so pure.

When I look at this picture it makes me want to cry because I love her so much and may be a little sad I can't gobble her up and absorb her enough.  Am I hormonal? Possibly.

A year and a few days ago my mom passed away. She would often say that I "would understand when I became a mom" and that I'd "miss [her] when [she was] gone." How true this is, hits home every day.

I never realized how much I missed my mom in her absence until I absolutely wasn't able to see her again.

And I have never before felt the emotions that my daughter brings out in me (as, too, my mom mentioned).  She takes them to a whole other level and when I see her it takes restraint not to hug, kiss, and hold her a ton.  For the most part she let's me smother her because she's very affectionate.

I am typically not affectionate. I don't hug or kiss (anybody other than my daughter) much.  I don't like to be touched for long periods of time.  Nothing traumatic made me this way, I've always been like this.  I've gotten a little better with age but not much.

I feel sad that I begrudged my mom the ability to hug, kiss, and smother me like I know she longed to.  Now knowing how she felt, I am sure she looked at me as I do my daughter.

I defiantly gave my mom a little kiss on the cheek a few days before she left for the vacation she never came home from.  She asked for a kiss and i got pissy because apparently I am limited in the number of kisses I can tolerate and I thought I would see her again the day she was leaving for a proper goodbye. But I didn't get to see her again.  

At that moment when she looked at me with a little sadness in her face I know exactly what she was thinking because I am now a mother.

I love and miss you mom.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:46 PM

January 6, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone (all 3 or 4 of you) :-)

Seeing your comments compelled me to write.  I've been very nervous for the past 10 weeks as though I'm waiting for the sky to fall.  I know I shouldn't think that way but I have a little post traumatic stress as a result of this past year (the worst of my life thus far).

Things have been going well lately though and the year ended in a complete 180 degrees from how it started.  I am pregnant with twins! I can't wrap my head around it.

Tonight I received my first bag of maternity hand-me-downs. This is the start of me embracing my pregnancy and enjoying it (which is another reason I'm writing).  I'm still nervous and I have many obstacles to overcome but it looks as though this is really happening.

So far everything is proceeding perfectly normal.  Two weeks away from completeing my first trimester I still weigh exactly 190 with an occasional 189.  Actually just a day ago I noticed my appetite coming back.  I haven't had morning sickness (same with my first pregnancy) I just haven't had much of a taste for anything.  

Managing my weight this time is extremely important for my health and safety as well as the babies. It is going to be a challenge.  I can hardly imagine how i'm going to be able to stand by the end of this.

There is going to be so much to write about, my life is going to be changing so much.  My mind goes a little blank or numb when I think about still.  I think I just have to let it unfold and see where it leads me. 

Posted by hopeful @ 11:19 PM