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April 17, 2010

Thanks everyone

It's always good to see familiar names. Thank you for your comments, I knew it would help a lot.

I've been eating pretty well since posting. Not exercising though. Still not doing very good emotionally, but not letting it get too much of the best of me. I'm down a couple of pounds today. I'm slowly getting better at tracking what I eat with my new gadget. I'm not stressing on being too accurate because it is still helping me stay more aware.

I'm trying to go easy on myself.

I'm going through yet another phase of questioning what I'm doing and where I'm at in life. Questioning my husband again. I don't want to have regrets and feel like I never lived, and every day life seems to go by faster and faster.

One of the qualities I like least about myself is that I have such a hard time making decisions and a harder time acting on anything. That leaves me often disappointed and probably explains why I don't treat myself so great.

I give too much of myself to my husband and I'm not getting enough in return. I've supported him and made a ton of sacrifices and have yet to receive the same. I'm not just saying that, he is like having a second child.

Here's what I want: I want to go to cosmetology school, I want to be able to work less to spend some more time with my daughter, and to work a little harder for that second child. (my husband would rather not have another child for selfish reasons.)

Right now I wish all it took to get pregnant was for my husband to touch the tip of my finger like E.T.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:14 PM

April 4, 2010

World turned upside down

I was so flattered when I saw that Pasta Queen was pondering where I was. I'm here, occasionally lurking, just enough to stay barely up to date on a fraction of the sites I used to follow.

I was doing ok for a while, managing my weight at around 180. Until a couple of months ago when my world changed like I have never experienced before. Not even like when my daughter was born. My mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Even writing that seems surreal.

I kind of felt like I was doing ok, managing to continue life with a bit of optimism and positivity. Now I'm not exactly sure. It's not getting any easier and I'm still not used to it. I'm simply not happy about it. My weight is probably reflecting that because I'm now at 198, occasionally seeing 200 (I guess when I'm retaining a little more water). 18 pounds in about two months, not so good.

Anywhoo, I've been meaning to resurface even before PQ mentioned me. It feels good to post even when I don't really know what my long term intentions are. Right now writing is distracting me from eating. Good enough.

I just treated myself to an iPad. I hope it makes some tasks easier and more enjoyable, like posting, tracking my calories, and even cooking. It is very cool. Let's see if it keeps me focused.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:01 PM