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July 2, 2008

Doing well despite not so good stuff

My workout partner went away on vacation and my work schedule has been crazy busy, are two ingredients in the recipe for disaster. However, it has not been a problem, I’ve only missed one workout and I am feeling great for continuing to go on my own. Mentally, I needed the boosts from the workouts because I have been dealing with some disappointment.

I had an OBGYN appointment for Monday to discuss fertility issues, which I was hoping to be able to cancel with a “never mind, I’m pregnant”. No such luck as my period came on my birthday last week. Feeling defeated and anxious I could not crawl out of bed Monday morning to go swimming. I went to the doctor’s during lunch to discuss her standard game plan and by the end of the day, I realized that I almost embrace negativity as an excuse to keep handy for whatever reason, but I wasn’t feeling as bad as I expected too. I mean, I was feeling sad but it didn’t quite consume me physically like it usually does. (Or “used to”, that’s a more positive way to look at it and, if self-fulfilling, could put it in the past.)

Rather than to put effort into staying sad and milking it, I moved right past it and felt totally normal and happy to workout yesterday and today. I feel good today. I’m not happy about the thought of not getting pregnant, it makes me sad. But I don’t feel the need to stew. This surprises no one more than me but I’m going to run with it. Maybe this is what it feels like to be mentally sane and normal.

The doctor drew blood yesterday for testing and prescribed a series of other invasive tests for me (and even one for husband, he he). I’m going to put off taking the tests, this month anyway, because I have so many doubts. I cannot justify spending a lot of money (that I don't have) on something with such low success rates. I’m not sure I even need it. I’m not sure I should mess around with nature. I think it would take more of a toll on me. Why am I presuming the worst anyway? My mom thinks me not wanting to take the tests means I’m not sure I want a second child or maybe I don’t want one bad enough. That is not true.

Let me not talk about it anymore so I don’t bring down my mood again. Rather, let me think about how my husband is off from school for the summer and he works for me now and has only one job to do. Much better.

Posted by hopeful @ July 2, 2008 2:02 PM

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