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July 17, 2008

Uuggh, quick update

Last week I didn’t workout at all. This week we’re getting back on track but I’m still feeling the repercussions from last week.

Mentally I’m a little insane. I’ve been overwhelmed from working so much and without my exercise to help calm my crazies I’m not feeling great. I have been eating to relax. I don’t want to do that, I just do.

So the update on my weight is that I’m at 182 again. I feel bloated. It struck me last night when I went to my sister’s salon and caught a glimpse of myself in every mirror that I looked heavy.

I feel like I’m running down a steep hill and my legs are barely able to keep up with my torso. I’m on the verge of flipping forward into a massive tumble. Stress has been getting to me lately and I need to regroup and recover. I think I need to sleep all weekend.

I know this has happened to me a million times and it’s nothing new or exciting but I feel the need to post just so that I don’t recede into a denial or anything like that. I can find myself going quiet when I don’t want to acknowledge or think about it. It’s helpful just to put it out there.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:11 AM • Comments (3)

July 11, 2008

Cute Lifeguard

The other day I took my daughter to swimming lessons for the first time since this session started. Because I work so much, my mother has taken over more than half of the childcare responsibilities. That totally bums me out but that is another topic for another post. Anywhoo, thank goodness I showered prior to taking her to swim because the cutest lifeguard or swim coordinator guy was on duty that day. I’ve seen him more than a few times over the past couple of years at the Y and he is, by far, the cutest employee working there.

I was more than showered actually, I was almost dolled up. I was glowing from some due diligence in the baby making efforts that morning. Yes, that morning! That’s the best time, it really sets the tone for the rest of the day. I was on cloud nine all day and my attitude and confidence was soaring. He must have picked up on that or something because he came and sat quite close to me on the bleachers. Then he started making some noises that I could tell were an effort to instigate a conversation. So I started it.

We were talking and talking and every time he got pulled away to do a part of his job he would come right back as though he didn’t want to stop (he had ample opportunities to bail.) I really felt like he was flirting with me and I loved it.

Of course, in my self-deprecating ways, I always manage to tie into conversation my awareness of my weight. This happens so automatically that it has been one of the most difficult habits to break. A couple of the topics we talked about were my triathlon training and local places to eat and I blamed the best pizza place in town for my weight plateau in spite of all the exercise I’ve been doing. In a joking way of course, but I’m such a dork! He was very cute in his response and seemed genuine about it. He said, “You shouldn’t worry about the weight thing and just be happy working out and getting stronger”.

I really think he was trying to let me know he thought I looked fine. And he was super cute and he was flirting with me, I know it. I really don’t stress about my weight as much as I used to. I’m not in the market to really pick up guys so it’s not so vital (even then I’d be my worst critic) and my husband loves me as I am.

It was a fun day.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:33 PM • Comments (4)

July 2, 2008

Doing well despite not so good stuff

My workout partner went away on vacation and my work schedule has been crazy busy, are two ingredients in the recipe for disaster. However, it has not been a problem, I’ve only missed one workout and I am feeling great for continuing to go on my own. Mentally, I needed the boosts from the workouts because I have been dealing with some disappointment.

I had an OBGYN appointment for Monday to discuss fertility issues, which I was hoping to be able to cancel with a “never mind, I’m pregnant”. No such luck as my period came on my birthday last week. Feeling defeated and anxious I could not crawl out of bed Monday morning to go swimming. I went to the doctor’s during lunch to discuss her standard game plan and by the end of the day, I realized that I almost embrace negativity as an excuse to keep handy for whatever reason, but I wasn’t feeling as bad as I expected too. I mean, I was feeling sad but it didn’t quite consume me physically like it usually does. (Or “used to”, that’s a more positive way to look at it and, if self-fulfilling, could put it in the past.)

Rather than to put effort into staying sad and milking it, I moved right past it and felt totally normal and happy to workout yesterday and today. I feel good today. I’m not happy about the thought of not getting pregnant, it makes me sad. But I don’t feel the need to stew. This surprises no one more than me but I’m going to run with it. Maybe this is what it feels like to be mentally sane and normal.

The doctor drew blood yesterday for testing and prescribed a series of other invasive tests for me (and even one for husband, he he). I’m going to put off taking the tests, this month anyway, because I have so many doubts. I cannot justify spending a lot of money (that I don't have) on something with such low success rates. I’m not sure I even need it. I’m not sure I should mess around with nature. I think it would take more of a toll on me. Why am I presuming the worst anyway? My mom thinks me not wanting to take the tests means I’m not sure I want a second child or maybe I don’t want one bad enough. That is not true.

Let me not talk about it anymore so I don’t bring down my mood again. Rather, let me think about how my husband is off from school for the summer and he works for me now and has only one job to do. Much better.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:02 PM • Comments (1)