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May 16, 2008

Intimidated

My weight has been the same, juggling 180 and 181. One day I saw 179 for a fleeting second which gave me a brief amount of hope. But a couple of dinners out with co-workers and friends have probably sent that back to the horizon.

I’m so busy that I feel like I operate in a bit of a fog and am tired most of the time. I exercise mentally a lot to stay positive since I had the propensity to go into the dumps. In reflection, I am spending a lot of time with family and friends and I’m exercising a ton and this should make me happy right? It does for the most part, but on days like today when I’m not feeling too well and have the moment to stew, that feeling of something is lacking creeps in.

I should be happy that as a full time working mother I’m doing a great job at balancing so many things. Truth be told though, I feel a bit half assed at everything I do. I remember even thinking this as far back as high school when I was struggling with an eating disorder and keeping depression and anxiety at bay. If I didn’t have so many things to divide me I could really be good at something. Or find what it is that I want to be good at.

I think there’s a part of me that is in a bit of denial about this unknown thing I want to be good at. I’m intimidated by failure. I’ve never really failed at anything because I’ve never tried to do anything that I didn’t already know I could do. You could say that I’ve failed to keep my weight at a healthy level for periods of my life, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Who knows, maybe my weight was a calculated distraction.

You should have seen me, I didn’t apply to many colleges and just decided not to go (until a few years after high school, at which point I did well at an average school). I never tried to excel at anything. I’ve always been good at art but never tried to find my unique style and pursue it (I think I’m partly afraid of it being criticized).

So lately I’ve had a difficult time posting because I don’t know where to begin. There’s either a lot spinning around in my head or nothing. My weight and my eating are fine, nothing is happening either way and I’m feeling a tad indifferent about it (until I want to get dressed up to go out).

If one word could sum up how I feel lately and a lot it is: INTIMIDATED.

I’m glad I got that somewhat rambling thought out today.

Posted by hopeful @ May 16, 2008 1:33 PM