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February 25, 2008

Quick update

Because my arms are a little spaghetti. I got back from swimming just a little while ago and tonight ROCKED. I did so much better than last week it was crazy. I was feeling physically so much better than last time and my form and everything was so much better, even my friends noticed. I’m so excited to do this. I could see swimming being more addictive than running or biking. It’s relaxing and there’s no crazy impact on your knees and legs. When I’m running or jumping (which I never do), it rattles my brain and is so uncomfortable. I really need to lose some weight before I practice the running.

I weighed in at 184 today, not the 183 from Friday but it’s still down a pound. We did have a large family pizza dinner on Sunday which could have affected me. So I’ll weigh again on this Friday and we’ll see how it goes.

Aahh, I feel like I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight!

Posted by hopeful @ 11:24 PM • Comments (1)

February 23, 2008

About me now

I just realized I hadn’t updated the “about me” section since the beginning. I’m in a very different way now.

So back in March, on the 11th, of 2005 I did start a journey to lose 90 pounds and chronicle it here (with many yucky pictures). I did move forward to humorously lose 50 pounds over the following six months or so and maintained that for about a year.

Then I moved back home to N.J. and gained about 40 of it back on! Now a year and a half and a few unsuccessful attempts after that I’m feeling hopeful I’m back on track yet again.

The difference between me now and then is that I know I have the ability to do this because I’ve done it before. I do find it easier the gazillionth time around. Only slightly easier, of course, because I’m still battling my demons but I feel more confident in my arsenal for which to do that. (Also I’m having a good morning right now because I weighed in at 183, down two more pounds! If I weigh this on Monday it’s going on record.)

Let’s be honest, I’m a roller coaster, but my peaks and valleys are truly starting to level out some and my extremes are less extreme.

I’m really happy that the friends I’ve made in the blogosphere have stuck around with me over the past three years and provided me with invaluable support.

The original version from March 11th, 2005

I'm a Chub: UUuuuhhh, where do I begin? I'm not sure how I really want to go about this and what, at this point, I want to reveal about myself. I'm guessing I'll peel the layers off gradually kind of like I want to shed the pounds.

I'm lying already, I don't want to shed gradually, it's all I can think about. I want to compulsively drive my self near to the grave to drop 90 pounds. (Relax, I wish I had that drive. If I did I wouldn't be in this position.)

I can't believe that it has come to this. I have 90 pounds to lose! I'm going to chronicle it here on this website. I'm going to post the unflattering half naked pictures of my progress! eeewww! I'm also going to create silhouettes of each stage so that I can lay them over eachother and see how my shape transforms. Hopefully it will look the rings of a tree.

I'm hoping that making a commitment to this website will keep me motivated. I look forward to feedback, I hope people see this.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:43 AM • Comments (12)

February 22, 2008

185

I’m sticking at 185 for the week, Yay.

I’m mesmerized by the snow outside and wish I could just watch it and zone out all day. It is so beautiful.

I’m continuing to work on making myself feel better and am recovering from my nervous breakdown a month ago. Short of winning the lottery there is no immediate solution that would provide me some relief. I’ve got to exercise self control to stay positive which is a real mental workout. Things are going pretty well with the guidance of a therapist. I only have six visits but that’s all I’ll need. She says I have good coping skills.

Basically I’m reminding myself to be positive and enjoy each moment. I’ve been able to take care of my family thus far and be successful in so many aspects of my life, there’s no reason to believe I couldn’t continue to do so (despite any adversity that comes my way). When the going gets tough, I’ve always been able to get going.

What scared me is that my breakdown came on so quickly and unexpectedly and I wasn’t sure what set it in motion or why it lasted so long and I felt like I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I realize now some of the contributing factors and I’m not crazy but I need to chill out because nothing catastrophic has happened, I just imagined that they would.

After going into the office yesterday I realized my fears about the state of my job are not unfounded. I have a sixth sense and a lot of people are worried. But I do believe my job isn’t going anywhere for a year or so and I’ve been in this position before many times. I will be OK. All the crazy events in my past have only helped in pointing me in a better direction, future events will be no different.

I’m also starting to pursue a dream of mine. I am starting a side business for myself. I don’t want to go into too much detail before I get more developed but I’m very excited about it and excited to share it with all of you.

Have a great weekend, incase I don’t talk to you one way or another before hand.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:30 PM • Comments (2)

February 19, 2008

I’m not exactly one of them

Well Molly, I’m not exactly one of them. Not yet anyway. Far from it actually. And Greta, I’m not sure I can even swim.

Last night I went swimming for the first time in a really long time. I can’t remember the last time I actually took a real stroke rather than just splashed playfully and lazily in a pool or the Jersey surf.

It went OK. I really enjoyed the company (two moms of my daughter’s friends) and I actually had a lot of fun. But….. I sucked! One of my friends isn’t doing the triathlon but she is training us because she was nearly an Olympic swimmer at one point. That was really helpful because you would have thought that I never swam before and she gave me a lot of tips. I forgot how strenuous swimming could be. I was sucking wind in no time. I never kept track of how many laps we did but we swam solidly for an hour. I had to alter my strokes from regular to side stroke and sometimes breath stroke but I kept on moving. I even used a kickboard for a bit. It was awesome, but I sucked.

I am totally worried, but more motivated than ever. I’ve got to hustle and thank goodness we have slightly over six months to train.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:23 PM • Comments (1)

February 18, 2008

Actually happy it’s Monday

Wow, I had a rough day yesterday, very depressed, and just when I though I was getting better. Being that I’m premenstrual I decided to take the pressure off of myself and allow me to ride through the day without feeling the need to be productive in some way. We called my parents for a game of scrabble and coffee. It was perfect. I felt so much better by the end of the evening. For icing on the cake I talked to my sister just before bed. Thank goodness for family.

Today my husband, off from work, took my daughter to his mom’s so I could get some work done like a regular employed person. At first I thought that I didn’t want the house to be empty and that I would fall back into my lonely feelings from yesterday, but today it is 63 degrees and there’s sunshine which is closely mirroring how I feel inside. Things are starting to look up.

I’m still extremely sensitive but I’m working through all of this and feel myself becoming stronger. I love that it has made me reach out to people and feel more connected.

Tonight I start my swimming with my friend for our triathlon and I’m so excited, probably more for the companionship than anything else, but the exercise will help me immensely.

I weighed myself this morning and I’m 185! So let’s see how much further the swimming takes me. Soon I’ll have to start biking and running too, aaahhh! Crazy but cool.

And I’m really happy that I have this blog and have met all of you, whose blogs I check a little compulsively at times. You make me feel less lonely. That may be terribly pathetic but it’s true.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:13 AM • Comments (2)

February 15, 2008

One hour left

One hour until I can take my 24 hour heart monitor off. I think I mentioned that I’m getting a complete heart physical so that my health insurance feels comfortable starting me on an exercise program. It’s going to cost me a pretty penny (nothing like it would cost without insurance) but it’s worth it. My mind will rest easy knowing that I have a healthy heart and it should motivate me to keep it that way. And plus, my insurance won’t work with me if I don’t get it. (As long as this isn’t some kind of conspiracy to determine if they should drop me all together. Have you heard about the BlueCross bastards? They were asking doctors to rat on patients so that they could find reason to stop coverage.)

Also, this is crazy news for me, my friend asked me to be in a charity triathlon with her! That’s crazy! When I’m reading all of you weight loss bloggers out there that decide to run a 5k and find so much joy in researching and buying new running shoes, I just can’t relate to that. I cannot fathom loving running. I am very much an elliptical trainer in the gym type of person. I can stay on one for hours while being entertained by the characters at the gym or watching TV.

But I said YES! What am I? Nuts?!

Starting Monday I will be joining her and another friend at the Y to swim! (OK, that’s the last time I’ll use the exclamation point, but just assume it is at the end of every subsequent sentence, and for that matter everything is written in all CAPS. And you can envision me walking around flailing my hands yelling at everybody in surprise. Holy crow.)

Neither one of us is in the shape required for such an event but we aim to finish at best and we have until September to shape up. I’ve never used the technique of having a definitive goal (with an actual deadline) nor working out with a friend to keep me motivated, so we’ll see how it works.

Now I’m in search of a bike and a pair of running shoes. I think my dad has an old bike he can clean up. I don’t suppose I should run in my slip on Vans. Uuggh.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:32 AM • Comments (3)

February 12, 2008

Desperado

Holy crows feet it’s cold. Motivated by the challenge of keeping my energy costs low, each month I try and beat the price of the previous month. Today it’s absolutely freezing and when my husband and daughter aren’t home I lower the heat a lot. I’m sitting here, my fingers frozen and barely able to type, with my winter coat on in my home (how pathetic).

Optimistic for an upside to this situation, I’m hoping that this will raise my metabolism. I’ve always heard that drinking cold water raises your metabolism because your body is trying to keep you warm. Does this apply to when you’re freezing yourself?

I hope so. The song Desperado comes to mind. “Desperado Why dont you come to your senses….”

Posted by hopeful @ 1:04 PM • Comments (1)

February 11, 2008

187 stuck

Cool, I weighed myself this morning and I’m still 187, so it stuck.

I’ve been feeling really good about my eating. My anxiety is doing much better and my appetite is back. Mainly for financial reasons I’ve been strictly monitoring my diet. We haven’t been out to eat in at least a month (wheh-hew) and when I go food shopping, I make a list and stick to it not straying a bit. That has been really helpful in keeping the cost down and not making unhealthy impulsive buys. Because I’m eating what feels like so little to me (it’s really not, that’s just relative to what I want to eat) I’m making sure it’s healthy. I haven’t completely deprived my family of any fun though; we’ve been seeing my grandma and family once a week for pizza dinner. They provide the pizza and I’ve been making side dishes with a vegetable of some sort.

This approximate 10 pounds has made such a difference in how my legs feel. They feel like they’ve been relieved of a ton of weight and ache a lot less. Looking forward to every subsequent pound lost is driving my motivation.

I know I must sound like a total cheapskate too but when I’m tightly watching my budget it really reminds me of the things in life that are really important and releases me from the ‘want’ mentality. I’ve been spending more time reading with my daughter, going to the library, and playing with her at the free play center in the Y. We haven’t been to a mall or any super centers where we just feel deprived of all superficial junk. In many ways super gluing the purse closed is quite liberating.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:12 AM • Comments (3)

February 7, 2008

Picture of me at the party

I’ve been too lazy to take a picture of myself so I searched through the pictures from my daughter’s birthday to see if I had been captured somewhere in the background. I was sure I hadn’t posed for any as I have mastered the art of dodging the lens.

Here’s me standing behind the kids, it was the best shot I could find. There wasn’t one where I was completely in frame. Not too bad, although that’s probably my best angle. I look much worse directly from the front or side.

That’s my favorite fat outfit, or more accurately, feel comfortable in my fat outfit.

I had to go to the doctor on Monday for a UTI that snuck upon me over the weekend. It turns out that I was also dehydrated and my doctor couldn’t figure out why. After I’m done with the antibiotics he’ll have me get some fasting blood work to see if anything’s wrong. The first thing that came to mind was that I had weighed in at 187 that morning, so now was that inaccurate because I was dehydrated? Damn. I’ll weigh in again on Friday and we’ll see. Health, shmealth, it’s those numbers on the scale! ;-)

Posted by hopeful @ 10:24 AM • Comments (2)

February 4, 2008

187

187 today, wheh-hew! This is helping me feel better already. My body can totally feel the relief of removing nearly 10 pounds (especially my legs).

I’m eating a little more these days than I had two weeks ago because I’m mentally feeling better too. Food has been put on the back burner though because I have bigger fish to fry. It’s certainly different for me to have another type of issue take precedence over my battle with food. I’m still struggling a bit with my depression and anxiety but am really working on staying positive and making myself well again.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:13 AM • Comments (1)

February 2, 2008

Before and after

Here it is. I think the after definitely looks better.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINI!

Posted by hopeful @ 10:48 AM • Comments (2)

February 1, 2008

Feeling a little better

Over the past couple of days I’ve been feeling a little better. I have more of an appetite and my shakes have diminished.

I’ve called in the big guns and will see a therapist for six sessions (dictated by my health insurance) to determine my next course of action depending on how it goes. The first session, I had verbal diarrhea and it felt so good. For next time I plan on collecting my thoughts so that I can sound more coherent. My health insurance also requested that I get signed off by a cardiologist before proceeding with an exercise plan. I guess they want to be sure that some of my anxiety symptoms aren’t actually a REAL heart attack. That will put my mind at ease too because I, of course, think they’re real.

I went into the office today and everything went well and was nice. I perfectly faked total confidence. I’m a little tapped out from computer overload but wanted to give a brief update. Thanks everyone for your concern and advice.

Tomorrow I have the day off to prepare for my daughter’s birthday on Saturday. I have to replicate a SpongeBob cake that I made to near perfection in the trial run. My ‘day of’s never go like my trial runs. If my liquid eyeliner fiasco is any example, the night before I looked like Audrey Hepburn and the day of I looked like Amy Winehouse after she had been hit by a bus.

Here’s the trial cake.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:59 AM • Comments (2)