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January 28, 2008

190 lbs today

I find myself eagerly anticipating my weight loss despite the fact that it is driven by my depression. I’m trying to eat enough so that I don’t go into starvation mode and my metabolism (what’s left of it) comes to a screeching halt. Maybe the positive effects of weight loss will help me out of this rut I’m in. I’m happy to be losing weight but I would trade it right now for the sanity of my mind.

I’m doing everything I can to try and resolve this without medication for the time being. I plan on seeing a counselor. I’m meditating. Wow, it is a lot of exercise to quite my obsessive compulsive mind. (Jeeze, I just repeated that sentence 20 times in my head, do you see what I’m dealing with here?)

I have a lot that could be causing this explosion of depression and anxiety. I want another child, I want to be able to care beyond adequately for the one I have (although right now I hope I’m even adequate), and I want to feel safe. If I could have one luxury, I would ask for temporary reprieve, a time I could rest and recover and most of all feel nurtured so that I could rebuild my strength to move forward.

I think the winter time makes me want to hibernate so that I can rejuvenate and gear up for spring. I wish we could actually follow nature and operate like that. I want spring to happen soon so that my body can kick it up a notch and feel more motivated by nature’s course that’s occurring around me.

Posted by hopeful @ January 28, 2008 11:41 AM