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August 28, 2007

Holy roller coaster

Just after I mentioned (about two posts ago) that I was feeling pretty comfortable that I wouldn’t be laid off this go-round we found out that my husband lost his job!

He’s a NY Teaching Fellow and was so excited when he got a job at a great school for a great salary. It could only have been a couple of weeks or so after they hired him that they basically took it back (which apparently isn’t uncommon among the Fellows). We were devastated because now that school is starting most positions are filled. I couldn’t believe our luck had turned so drastically in such a short period of time (even though this is happening to me quite a lot.)

I didn’t mention it until now because this has been the nature of all my posts lately, my roller coaster life, it’s hardly believable. I was so stressed out this past week remembering my nervous break down not too long ago. I was convinced it would soon return.

Staying true to form, the cosmos that is, yanked me back in the positive direction. My husband just got his job back today. I’m so thankful I want to shout from a mountain top every few minutes. This time they can’t take it back, he’s in. His employers always liked him but for a brief moment they thought they were going to be able to keep the teacher he was replacing. Now that space is officially available and they want him to fill it, it’s a done deal.

This episode may have taken a few years off of my life and certainly added a couple of pounds. I weighed in at 198. Thankfully I’m still under 200. My exercise has been limited and my eating not so great. I was just about on a roll with exercise but it petered out. It’s not exactly at none, so for that I’m grateful.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:44 PM

August 20, 2007

Battling addiction

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a show about an obese woman and how much food she consumes in a day. The show followed her for a day and flashed the calorie count of what she was eating while keeping a running total. I forget the precise number but it was in the tens of thousands and she was basically gaining a few pounds per day.

Because she was homebound there was no external action and she just talked about her feelings and emotions through the course of this day. She didn’t talk as much about her divorce or other circumstances that may have led up to this but more about the emotions and thoughts she deals with on a daily basis now. She talked about the food addiction and the guilt. I was not all that surprised when I found myself relating to her 90 percent of the time.

I’m also currently reading Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis and find myself relating to many of his emotions regarding drug addiction which I have battled in the past as well.

Today I am struggling.

It’s so easy to turn to my drug of choice and forget about the consequences. It’s not unusual to avoid the things that might help me get well (like exercise, a meeting or counselor) because I want to live on the dark side for just a bit longer and postpone the work it takes to be healthy (not sane, mind you, just healthy).

Posted by hopeful @ 2:38 PM

August 15, 2007

Oh man

Just as I though maybe I’d get to enjoy a bit of the summer with some projects nearing an end and my time freeing up slightly I get struck with some sobering news. My company is going through a round of layoffs.

I feel terrible. I worry like crazy in these situations. Numbness swept over me yesterday and has yet to dissipate. I’m walking around like a zombie.

I’m almost sure I won’t get axed. One person was taken from my department on Monday and that may be it but how demoralizing is this? To feel like the grim reaper could sneak up behind you at any point and it’s supposed to last through September or something.

Uuugg, as I’m writing this our town inspector came to look at our deck and just informed us that the deck guys haven’t built it according to the architectural drawings and he won’t approve it. Then to top it off I just found out that they are trying to charge us an extra $1400 because they re-centered some boards (boards that already existed and maybe took them an extra hour to move).

I haven’t exercised in days. This is not good. I’m too emotionally fragile. How do I learn to toughen up where that’s concerned? I’m not worried about getting tough with the deck company, I will do that.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:17 PM

August 11, 2007

195

My re(x100)-starting weight? I’m not so sure. I’ve been yo-yoing for months now but staying relatively the same. Hopefully the exercising will make the difference and I’ll yo-yo my way down rather than up. I’m ok with fluctuations because I’ve come to grips with taking this even slower this time. I’m trying to change my mental state more than anything. I want to stay positive, active and motivated then hopefully getting physically fit will follow.

I’ve had a very busy week and I didn’t let it get the best of me. I really enjoyed a lot of time spent with friends and plugged through a lot of work without getting bummed and resentful. This weekend is going to be heaven.

We haven’t heard from the HGTV show yet, but we really should any day now. I really hope we make it. I won’t be devastated if we don’t. We’ve hired someone to re-build our deck and we’re in the process of designing a new kitchen so there’s a lot to look forward to even if we don’t make the show. It feels good to be starting on making our house a home. In retrospect I’m glad we had the time to settle in to our new home and life in NJ before undertaking so many renovations.

Fingers crossed everything will go well.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:34 AM

August 7, 2007

So far so good

Thanks all, for your comments. And while everything has been crazy around here I feel as though it’s starting to settle a bit or I’m getting used to it and it’s manageable. Most of what seemed to be and actually was disastrous in the past has really been resolved in a fortunate way. For the time being, my family and I are in a good place.

A little less than a week ago (I guess) I felt that it was time to dust myself off and take baby steps towards a change. Prior to that I was very reactive, which was all I had the strength for. Now I feel like I have a little breathing room. So I’ve been working out on my elliptical trainer for 30 minutes everyday. It helps me feel better throughout the day and I even eat a little better. That’s my only goal right now, to incorporate those 30 minutes. I don’t want to go overboard and get disappointed when I can’t keep up with too much more. The exercise is the easiest for me to stick with and it often leads me towards other better behavior as well.

This is how it all got started when I lost the 50 pounds in the first place so I hope I’m able to align the stars in a similar fashion.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:54 PM

August 6, 2007

Good question

Howard asked me a good question in his comment on my last post.

Why not go back to the plan that helped you loose all that weight when you dropped down to what was it 160 or below?

Well Howard, I wasn’t really on a plan that’s the problem. My favorite explanation is here in this previous post of mine.

To recap, for people who don’t click that link, my life was running really smoothly at the time I started to lose more than 50 pounds two years ago. I had next to no social life, worked part time, and my stay at home husband primarily took care of our daughter. I was able to eat well and exercise a lot. I didn’t follow any particular diet just anything in moderation. I steadily lost an average of 2 pounds a week. Then even when I went back to work full time in an actual office I would work out on my lunch hour in the company gym, it couldn’t have been more convenient.

Then an explosion happened (here's a news clip), a butt operation, a move across country, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, disabling back issue, nervous breakdown about our financial situation, my husbands depression and fear of entering the workforce, finally my coping with being a full time (and then some) working mom on top of being the primary stay at home care taker of our daughter. Did I mention my daughter is 3 and a half going on 10? That in and of itself rivals the explosion.

Wow that was taxing just looking for links for each of those instances, I had to stop. I don’t want to look back.

If all that didn’t derail me, the fact that in California I was 3000 miles away from the best pizza and bagels in the country and now I’m not, might have done it on its own.

I feel like a different person here in N.J. and my life is completely different. I’m trying to sort out how I’m going to proceed. The dust is beginning to settle and I’m starting to feel more comfortable. Now I’m just trying to find my groove. I don’t think there’s a diet or a plan that can rival or remedy the emotional recovery I’m working on.

We'll see.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:18 AM

August 3, 2007

Two days in a row!

I’ve done 30 minutes on my elliptical trainer each day for two days in a row. It’s a start. The 50 millionth start. I need to start measuring my success in how quickly I get back on the wagon rather than how long I actually stay on it. My last successful ride was a year long so I shouldn’t be too disappointed, however, I have spent the past year falling off and getting back on.

I’m trying to remain positive and using renewed energy and better health as my motivation for staying on track rather than getting thin. I sound like a broken record, I know, and we all know it’s not about dieting, etc. My biggest challenge is exercising my mind and really visualizing a different me, one who doesn’t feel addicted to food.

I’ve also been having a difficult time writing on this blog for a while (and reading others) because I haven’t wanted to focus on the food/diet and the weight. I suppose for the similar reason they don’t want you to talk about food when you’re at Overeaters Anonymous (the ones I went to anyway.) I’ve just been trying to focus on living my life like a normal person with so many other priorities (or they should be priorities.)

I guess, I’m clinging to the hope that writing here, even if it has been sparse lately will help.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:22 PM

August 1, 2007

Eehh

That’s all I had the energy to write for a title. I’m lacking motivation beyond belief. I’m going through a phase where I can hardly muster up the energy to read other people’s blogs not to mention write on my own.

Every ounce of energy I have I’m using to sustain normal function (if you can call me normal.) Not a day goes by that isn’t filled with inconveniences that prevent me from being able to take a breath and even blink.

Today, for example, I found out that my account information for my credit card had been compromised and I was issued a new card number. Of course that simple explanation wasn’t sent with the new card, I had to sit through numerous automated phone prompts and enter my card number and other random information only to have to repeat it to the live person 20 minutes later.

Then I received a letter from my mortgage company letting me know what they found out about my credit score when I applied for a home equity line of credit. I had a collection item filed! I was shocked because I have paid every bill I’ve ever had on time and in full. I’ve never even carried a balance on a credit card. My old city in California never had record of me discontinuing my water and garbage collection service. They stopped the service but didn’t know where to send the $110 bill so they sent it to a collection agency. What good is a collection agency if they don’t try to find me? I had a collection company find me before (a year after the fact) when my insurance company mistakenly thought I didn’t pay a bill, so I know they can.

I’m not complaining both situations have been rectified (the credit report one took a long time to sort out), I’m just giving these as examples of the things that are currently cropping up everyday and depleting me of my energy.

I did put my foot down tonight where work is concerned so that I could go to a concert in the park with my family. I decided to stop by a convenience store on the way to pick up a light weight plastic folding table so that we could enjoy our dinner without having to slop all over our laps. Of course, I took the table out of its wrapping only to discover it was completely broken, even shattered in some parts.

I know it could be worse, but I still feel like eehh.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:48 AM