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May 22, 2007

Real Time Blogging

My family is all asleep and I have time to myself which is something that I dream about most days but don’t actually want tonight. I’m not exactly sad but I feel a bit numb. Probably because I just ate myself silly, pretty much as binge-y as I get these days, nothing like the binges of old but still very emotionally taxing. It leaves me numb. Unfortunately it’s too temporary, I’ll be hungry again tomorrow.

I decided to write how I feel right now because this is one of those moments, combined with repeat performances, that will lead to a lot of weight gain, in a short amount of time, after which I will most certainly wonder how it all got away from me. Because I won’t remember how I feel right now, tomorrow. That’s how we get fat.

I can’t begin to figure out why I feel so empty.

How do I begin to change how I let work affect me? All I keep thinking about is being able to do something else and how it doesn’t seem like I ever will. I’ve always been afraid to take any real risks or do something that felt risky to me (somebody might argue that I have taken risks). Especially now when I have a family to take care of.

In some areas of my life I have tons of confidence and in others I have none.

I’m also having a hard time with the fact that I haven’t done anything more on my house. I really need some help and I can’t exactly afford to hire someone. My kitchen is completely falling apart and there is no space in the entire house that has a sense of comfort. It’s so sparsely decorated and I’ve bought most of my furniture from a thrift store that, needless to say, all needs to be refurbished. It’s quite depressing. I have my feet propped up on an ottoman that someone was throwing away last night. I haven’t even washed it yet.

And so continues the saga. I weighed 193 yesterday.

Posted by hopeful @ May 22, 2007 12:03 AM