Hopeful Loser: May 2007 Archives

I was right. That Time O’ Month commenced as of Wednesday. The day after my depressing last post (Tuesday) was even more hellish. I get VERY depressed the day before my period starts, I can hardly stand it. Then, like clockwork, just as it starts I’m euphoric. It’s strange and kind of scary. I keep track of it all on the calendar so that I can remind myself I’m not crazy during that time. But I often forget to acknowledge it in the throws of that deep depression and just assume I am.

Now that I’ve survived that day and feel a lot better, I’m still a little bummed I’m not preggo. We’ll try again next month (actually, technically in two weeks we’ll be trying, if you know what I mean).

Here’s a picture of me, my mom, and sister at Toni & Tina’s wedding. I’m in the middle. I’m not really shorter than my mom, I was bending forward. And my hair doesn’t look good. My face really starts to loose its features the heavier I am. Bummer.

I always get bloated just before my period and once it starts I go back to normal so now I’m 191.

I’m very excited for the long holiday weekend, works about to kick into high gear so this might be my last for a while. Everyone enjoy!

May 22, 2007

Real Time Blogging

My family is all asleep and I have time to myself which is something that I dream about most days but don’t actually want tonight. I’m not exactly sad but I feel a bit numb. Probably because I just ate myself silly, pretty much as binge-y as I get these days, nothing like the binges of old but still very emotionally taxing. It leaves me numb. Unfortunately it’s too temporary, I’ll be hungry again tomorrow.

I decided to write how I feel right now because this is one of those moments, combined with repeat performances, that will lead to a lot of weight gain, in a short amount of time, after which I will most certainly wonder how it all got away from me. Because I won’t remember how I feel right now, tomorrow. That’s how we get fat.

How do I begin to change how I let work affect me? All I keep thinking about is being able to do something else and how it doesn’t seem like I ever will. I’ve always been afraid to take any real risks or do something that felt risky to me (somebody might argue that I have taken risks). Especially now when I have a family to take care of.

I’m also having a hard time with the fact that I haven’t done anything more on my house. I really need some help and I can’t exactly afford to hire someone. My kitchen is completely falling apart and there is no space in the entire house that has a sense of comfort. It’s so sparsely decorated and I’ve bought most of my furniture from a thrift store that, needless to say, all needs to be refurbished. It’s quite depressing. I have my feet propped up on an ottoman that someone was throwing away last night. I haven’t even washed it yet.

May 16, 2007

Dragging

This past weekend we went to Toni and Tina’s Wedding and it was awesome. Of course my sister and I got a little drunky because we were celebrating. The wedding bore such a resemblance to so many we’ve attended growing up we were right at home.

I’ve been feeling hung over ever since. I’ve been dragging and even having some nauseous moments here or there. I hope I’m pregnant. We’re trying but it is way too soon to tell. With my luck the month that I drank once will be the month that we succeeded. All the other months where I didn’t drink of course we didn’t.

May 11, 2007

189 and things are going well

Wow I was very surprised to see 189 on the scale this morning. I’ve been eating really crappy. I just haven’t been paying any attention to it and indulging here or there. I’ve been so busy and tired trying to get in the groove of being a full time employee and a stay at home mom at the same time. To reference a familiar old adage, I resemble a chicken with their head cut off.

While extremely difficult, I’m very happy to be a part of and seeing more of my daughter’s everyday life.

In other news things are going very well with my husband and his job. He works a ton and he’s really enjoying it, he seems so much happier. We appreciate each other’s company a lot more now that our time together is much more limited. He just found out that he got accepted into a teaching fellowship program that will allow him to make a good living as a full fledged teacher while acquiring certification and a master’s degree at the same time. And the master’s degree is fully paid for as well! He’s beginning to see his life shape into what he had intended it to a while ago and it’s all attainable in such a way that we don’t have to go completely broke doing it.

So things are good. My stress is mostly physical rather than the emotionally draining depressive kind. My main goal right now (even a higher priority than eating right) is trying to incorporate an exercise program into my crazy daily routine. I need to keep my stress down and get physically fit to keep up with the demand on my body.

This weekend I plan on stripping my deck as the first step in refinishing it. By Monday I will probably be completely broken.

May 8, 2007

Insurance investigation

Here’s what I wrote for that insurance investigation into my back pain. I know they were hoping to nail someone else for injuring me. I hope this doesn’t put me on a blacklist for getting coverage in the future. Yikes, I better get on the ball and take care of myself.

Sometime around November of 2006 I suddenly came down with very severe back pain. The only way I can really describe it is to say that around March 2006 a neighbor of mine blew up his house and the whole situation was extremely stressful for me. Our house incurred a lot of damage (along with many others). This prompted a move across country. The whole transition along with post traumatic stress caused me to gain a lot of weight (25 pounds). Around the time of the move and for many months after, I had been working many long hours on projects for work. My work consists of programming in front of the computer all day. At the time we were working no less than 60 hour weeks (mostly more). All these factors contributed to my back just giving out on me suddenly around November 2006.

Alarmed that it might be an infection or something because the pain was so bad, I went to the doctor to get checked out. They recommended X-rays which was a bad idea because I’m not sure they even looked at them. The doctor never really responded to me with any answers. I had to persistently call to receive the diagnosis that everything looked normal. It was completely useless. Oh, and without telling me they had the X-rays diagnosed by someone out of my insurance network which I shouldn’t have to be responsible for. Finally I went to the chiropractor at which point I started to feel better. It wasn’t immediate but it’s been much better.

The nature of my work sitting in front of the computer often leads me to pain. Now I’m just trying to deal with it. I’m trying to find the time to get back to an exercise plan.

May 7, 2007

I’m back safe and sound

Well, I’m safe any way, not so much sound. I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. I wasn’t so much into the swing of things before I left so maybe I’m no worse off actually.

The trip was FANTASTIC! I loved the train ride so much. It’s not the most efficient way to travel but has certainly been one of my favorites. The experience was so moving to me because of all the people I met, the time to myself, and the relief from stress. The feeling is so overwhelming (in wonderful way) that I don’t have the patience to sort things out and write my thoughts and memories down, but I won’t soon forget it.

The other night I managed to carve out time to watch Thank You for Smoking. I really enjoyed it. It’s strange. One thing I took away from it is that actions, happenings, situations, or whatever may not be as important in themselves as how you perceive them. A kid said to his father who was incapacitated by depression that “it’s not complicated, you’re making it complicated.” Or something to that effect. The father recuperated and dealt with the situation at hand and everything was fine.

Anywhoo, I’ve been a little more relaxed since that movie. I definitely let my emotions make everything worse and they often get the best of me. I’m going to just try and plug through everything one step at a time.

I thought for sure I had lost weight on my trip because I felt so great, but I didn’t. I’ve been eating like poop since I got home and today I weighed 190. More than anything I want to get healthy for the state of my back and stress level. I got a letter from a company that investigates claims for my insurance company. They’re trying to figure out if I’ve been in an accident to explain all that I’m going through with my back. They want to try and collect from that person who may have caused my injury. That’s an eye opener. My 30 pound weight gain has seemingly inflicted damage equivalent to a car accident or something.

May 25, 2007

I was PMSing