« March 2007 • Main • May 2007 »

April 25, 2007

Ok I’m having a good time

I’m here in California. The train ride was fantastic! Everything went great with seeing everybody for the first time after gaining 20 pounds. Yes, I under estimated a few people and a lot of new people who didn’t know any better (about my weight) have been super nice. I worried for nothing.

I’m in a particularly good mood because I went out for a few drinks (or more) with a bunch of co-workers to a Moroccan place that had a belly dancer. It was awesome. So needless to say I’m feeling a little better than usual. I shouldn’t write too much more tonight because if I continue I’ll just want to gush about how much I love you all and want to make out with you.

I’ll write another time about the amazing train ride.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:16 AM • Comments (10)

April 19, 2007

I’m off for a little bit

I head out tomorrow for my trip to California. I haven’t decided if I’m going to bring my laptop. My work laptop is out of commission and my personal laptop is not meant for a lap it’s so damn big. So I might not really be able to communicate during my 11 day long trip.

I have mixed feelings about my trip. I’m going to miss my daughter miserably and I don’t want to see anyone. But I will enjoy some me time away. Right now I feel crappy and sad. However, I’m sure there will be many moments I enjoy.

It’s 9:00 and I’m not prepared at all and I don’t have any time tomorrow. I wish I could sleep.

Did I mention that I’m taking a train? I’ll be traveling three days across the country because I am too anxious to fly (I’ve flown over a hundred times in my life, this only happened this past year.) Most people think I’m crazy for taking the train (everyone thinks I’m crazy for not being able to fly), a few think it’s interesting, and the least amount think it’s cool. I think it’s cool and I’m not just saying that because I can’t face the alternative. I really do. I’ve driven across the country 10 times. I’m hoping I have some personal revelation during the romantic journey through mountains and plains, into and out of sunsets.

On the eating front: I’ve probably eaten more this past week than I have the three weeks prior combined. I’ve been gorging myself since Friday. I’m sure it’s my anxiety and feeling loss of control. I’m a total nut case.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:20 PM • Comments (9)

April 16, 2007

Déjà vu

I had such a flashback yesterday while trying on clothes in the Targ3t dressing room. I looked so fat! I distinctly remember the last time I was preparing to go into my office (of my last job) when I was at least this heavy. This is not fun. I have until Friday to come up with at least four nice outfits.

I really hate L@ne Bry@nt. The clothes there are so expensive. I found items that were very similar and made nicer at Targ3t and 0ld N@vy for half the price. In fact I found the same bra at a third of the price. They just aren’t worth it if you are a size 20, 3X, or below. I know that if you’re larger than that you may have no choice.

I’ll take pictures of the outfits once I figure them out.

I’m not feeling so great because I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off and haven’t had time to exercise. It’s nearly impossible for me to lose or maintain when I can’t exercise. I didn’t have the courage to weigh myself this morning. My pants are feeling tight so I can imagine.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:57 PM • Comments (3)

April 11, 2007

I’m just letting the days slip by

So much for hitting that goal, I’m just letting the days slip by with no loss. I’m very happy that I haven’t gained because I haven’t been watching my eating (eating poorly I think). My life is in such a frenzy mode I can’t see much of anything. I can fit in the exercise on most days and the rest is a blur.

I’m running around like a mad woman each day and feel like I can hardly breathe. I’m too tired to think clearly but I’m guessing I’ll get the hang of it or find my groove or something.

I’m trying to muster up the confidence to go to California 28 pounds heavier than I left. It’s going to be quite a surprise to people, even if they don’t care about it. I know many will judge me and I’m not looking forward to that. I know I can win most of them back (partially) but it stinks to have to go through it.

I know I didn’t really respond to comments regarding this topic last time I mentioned it but people judge. Period. And it can feel crappy. I’m not talking about friends and relatives. I’m talking about acquaintances and co-workers. I’ve experienced it to the detriment of my job at a previous employer and I’ve seen others experience it at this place. I’ve overheard conversations (and been spoken to directly) about weight and looks so it’s not a figment of my imagination.

It all makes me cringe. Is it the worst thing in the world that I’m worried about right now? No. I have successfully lowered it on my list of priorities. That’s progress.

I wish I had more time to write today.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:38 AM • Comments (3)

April 5, 2007

Cha cha cha cha-anges

My weight is balancing 188 and 189 and I’m OK with that. We went away for the weekend to visit my new nephew and that entailed a lot of eating of not so good choices. I’m still exercising daily on my elliptical trainer and am hopeful to lose at least a few more pounds before I head out to California on the 20th of this month.

I’m amazed that I didn’t gain 10 pounds at the blink of an eye considering the stress I’m under at the moment. My husband started his job and I’m staying home with my daughter without the respite of pre-school which is on spring break right now. Mia Goddess was right, my responsibilities just increased ten fold. I’m on the verge of losing my mind. The upside is we’ll have a house to live in.

I’m very anxious and have so many things to figure out but I’m much happier in this dilemma than the last.

I’m still up for the challenge of losing 7 more pounds while retaining what’s left of my hair in the next 18 days.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:13 AM • Comments (7)