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March 30, 2007

All is good

I’m tellin’ you. I have certainly pulled you guys onto the rollercoaster. Seriously, look at this week… up-down-up-down. Up. Today, all is good.

My husband spoke with the woman who evaluated the test and she made the huge disclaimer that my husband’s case was quite unique. His results were actually very balanced, which she says rarely happens. Usually, people more clearly fit into specific categories. So his analysis was all over the place because the canned text can be a little extreme.

She said that my husband’s resume and what the employer said about his interviews spoke to his results. My husband has a really varied work and educational experience. I almost started to list it here but it’s quite long and all over the place and cool. His life and experiences have really made him such an open minded, cool guy (this is what I love). (Note: Our relationship needs some work, but he has good bones.)

Ultimately his new boss called him, I suppose after he spoke to the test lady (who I still don’t like) and said that he thought the results were great and that he’s happy that my husband will be working for him and that he absolutely chose the right guy.

I would never have thought it would turn out so well. I don’t know which way is up. I guess it pays to just go with the flow. We did go with the flow, or appeared to have. We actually internalized everything to the point of near death, but if I hadn’t said anything nobody would have known. Aaahh, precious moments.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:22 PM • Comments (11)

March 29, 2007

Oh crap, I jinxed it

My life will never be easy or run smoothly. I’m so distraught I’m not going to be able to write coherently.

My husband’s new employer (we hope) asked my husband to take a personality test online, given by some other company who thinks they can figure what type of person you are. The results were awful. Even I think that it mischaracterized him completely.

I feel terrible because now we’re both worried about how this guy is going to perceive him. I feel really responsible because I told him just to take the test rather than procrastinate and look up how he should answer online. I thought for sure that it couldn’t benefit him to lie so I practically pushed him into it and we took it together (probably a big mistake). Our intentions were to point out that he’s nice and caring, all while being confident too. We thought those would be good qualities in a manager. The questions were only offered in extremes so it was difficult to choose. We opted for nice over cut throat and it backfired. They made him sound like a people pleasing pussy who absolutely could not lead (and this is a management position).

Waiting for this employer’s response is going to kill us. I cannot take anymore stress.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:39 AM • Comments (3)

March 28, 2007

I don't want to jinx it

My husband was offered a job! I'm so nervous it's just going to slip away like awaking from a dream but so far it's real. I don't have much time because I'm about to go on a conference call. It looks like a great learning opportunity and it pays more than we thought he could make with so little experience and after not working for so long.

He starts on Tuesday and if everything goes OK we'll be safe financially. We'll have to adjust to how we're going to take care of our daughter but we'll be ok.

I'm in a state of disbelief and I'm hoping all goes well for him. I'll feel secure once I see a check in the bank.

Keeping my finger's crossed.

Oh yeah, I weighed 189 today! I had to face the music. Damn it.

Posted by hopeful @ 4:34 PM • Comments (6)

March 27, 2007

Neverending stoo-auryeeeee

Jeeze, I’m tired of this (not tired enough to change, just complain I guess). This past weekend was the same as the last. I spent a lot of time with my parents eating pizza. That’s the most common meat eater’s solution to the vegetarian option. I’m not blaming anybody else for me eating it though.

I’ve been afraid of the scale this week. I’m just going to avoid discouraging myself and try to get back on track. I’ve still been exercising but I know I’m eating too much because I have that perpetual full feeling.

I’m not sure if I filled you guys in on the saga that is my nutty bastard husband. I’ll try to keep this to the point… Last week, after two weeks of promising that he was looking and applying to jobs, I uncovered that he actually hadn’t applied to even one! I nearly fainted and felt like I was going to die on the spot. Thank goodness we had an upcoming counseling appointment so I could confirm that I’m not crazy and this is such an insane situation. She buckled down on him and now he’s going by himself weekly.

The good news is that he has now applied to nearly 10 jobs. He’s going to have to do way better than that but it’s a start. Two have already called him for an interview and he has an interview for a special teaching program this week as well. I’m hoping this will boost his confidence and he will pick up momentum and things will go OK.

I’m having a real hard time keeping it together. My husband seems to be incapable of multi-tasking so he’s not able to be nice to me and nurture our relationship while getting his life back on track. So, currently I feel pretty darn alone in this house. With any spare time I try to spend it with my daughter doing fun things. I love that, but I want to figure out how to fulfill my own happiness and feel like I’m living. Otherwise I feel like I’m just a robot, a tool for the betterment of other people.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:01 PM • Comments (5)

March 26, 2007

Congratulations Molly!

It sounds like you did fantastic throughout your pregnancy! Only a 25 pounds gain is incredible and to already be less than you were when you started is awesome.
Rock on woman!

Posted by hopeful @ 11:24 AM • Comments (3)

March 23, 2007

Much better

I can always count on my inner rollercoaster to bring me up to counter the downs. I wish I had more control over it, but alternate days seem to be the most common schedule. Yesterday I felt much better. I started the day off with my elliptical trainer and that set the tone for the rest of my pretty good day. I ate well too and thus far haven’t suffered any damages from the few bad eating days I previously had.

The weather was beautiful and I was able to go pick my daughter up from school and go have lunch at my parents (so that I could feed my dad whose back has him laid out and unable to move). It was really nice to be showered, out and interacting with the public. I haven’t been doing a whole’lotta that lately.

The icing on the cake was that I went food shopping last night and did a great job! I’m really excited about the challenge to keep our grocery bill low and continue to eat healthy, organic, and as vegan as we can.

I’ve been saving all my receipts because I’m going to make a spread sheet or database of all the items that we buy and compare the prices at various stores. Last night I went to two stores, the standard big chain super market and Whole Foods. I did great! I spent $157 on a bunch of staples and food to last nearly two weeks if not two weeks. (I’ll secretly supplement my diet with protein shakes just to prove I could do it.)

What an adrenaline rush it was looking for values, comparing prices, and taking notes. Yes I am that corny and have found a new outlet for my compulsive behavior.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:30 AM • Comments (5)

March 21, 2007

So sad

I’m just so sad today. I don’t want to always bring down the mood around here but because writing makes me feel better, I don’t want to stay away either.

I didn’t eat great over the weekend. On Sunday we got together with family to celebrate some birthdays and I had pizza. I haven’t had pizza in a while and it’s probably better to stay away from it. When I abstain from a lot of carbs, fats, and dairy it becomes easier to keep away from them. The smallest taste unleashes a monster that takes days to tame and get back in its cage.

Probably as a result, for the past few days I’ve not been eating the best. Yesterday I felt so empty, I ate a ton. It didn’t help that my busy schedule left no time for me to exercise which can usually brighten my mood. What rationalization would lead me to believe that an engorged belly could some how be a filler or solution for an emotional void? It happens every time.

Not much progress where my husband is concerned. I’m numb. I’ve been operating like a numb zombie for nearly three weeks. We went to our counseling session yesterday and it just reinforced my frustration and hopelessness. Even our counselor looked like she wanted to sock him a couple of times. I’m glad she’s upping the seriousness factor because my husband just doesn’t seem to get it. I wish they had a rehabilitation center for the socially handicap where they could beat him into shape and that’s all he could do.

We finally managed, after a few weeks and lies, to squeeze out two job applications for him. At this rate he might not even get a job before I die.

One piece of good news, I managed to cut our credit card bill in have this month. You really spend a whole lot less money when you don’t leave the house or eat. I hope I can continue to keep expenses this low.

Question to everyone, because I really have no clue, what is an average monthly grocery budget for a family of three? I’m looking for a sustainable yet on the lower side budget. I’ve never really thought about this before and have no clue. This past month we were somewhere around $550. But that included the first two weeks where I wasn’t pulling the reins on things. So I feel I probably can do better.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:12 PM • Comments (11)

March 15, 2007

187 – 38 days and counting

My appetite came back. In fact I thought I was doing some “sulking eating” over the weekend. It must be just relative to how little I was eating the week before because I still lost a pound. And all that while it was that time of the month for me. I don’t have the energy to muster a “wheh-hew” but it kind of warrants one.

Budgeting my finances and coming up with my monthly grocery allowance is certainly going to be conducive to losing weight. I’m glad because with all that I’m going through and will be going through the last thing I need is to gain weight. I already feel more empowered being 8 pounds less.

Basically in 5 weeks I’ll be visiting my office in California. Or more accurately I’ll be walking into their doors in 38 days, after nearly 11 months of not seeing them. When they last saw me I was 22-27 pounds thinner than I am right now. I’m already more confident than I was eight pound ago so if I had to go tomorrow, I could live with it. I’m certain I’ll be in an even better situation in 5 weeks.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:06 PM • Comments (4)

March 9, 2007

188

Now that I’ve stopped uncontrollably and violently shaking, I can post.

I’m exhausted from this shaking and I’m having difficulty sleeping. For the first time, I’m pretty sure ever, I really have no desire for food. My appetite is probably recovering now that I’m beginning to calm down a bit but I can truly say that I had trouble eating over the past few days. I’ve always wished that would happen to me. I could be puking from some rare stomach virus and still be looking forward to my next meal.

Now that I know what it takes to diminish my hunger I would rather battle my will power than face homelessness any day.

But my growing confidence from this weight loss is just what I need to face the challenges I have ahead of me.

Thank you guys for your comments, they make me feel so much better (and even made me laugh Mia!). Call in the violins if you must, but it’s true. It’s a relief to put it out there and feel supported.

While I am terrified about my immediate future because something has to give and it has to be now. I don’t have the luxury of time to procrastinate or put off the inevitable, one way or another, things are going to change and be different. Again, I’m terrified but I have a tinge of excitement about what change is going to take place.

P.S. I will unravel the mystery that is my husband. I’m pretty sure he’s not pure evil and that there is a deep rooted issue and disability. We’ll see.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:37 AM • Comments (7)

March 6, 2007

190 and doing well diet-wise

I might be getting a whole lot thinner in the near future seeing as how I might not be able to afford food. I wish that were a joke.

Since we’ve moved back to NJ I haven’t had a clear grasp on my expenses. It costs a lot more for us to live here. From the looks of it I’m not covering my monthly costs, I’ve been dipping into savings every month and I just don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.

Tonight I’m going to have to face the music and figure it out cent for cent. I’m scared. I have to rely on my husband to get a job and that terrifies me the most. He’s completely unreliable on so many levels not to mention the job front. He hasn’t had a job in years.

He’s a smart, educated, competent man who has no confidence or knowledge on how to put him into the market place. I’m afraid he’ll shoot so low for a job that will hardly help us, if at all, and get stuck there with no other possibilities.

I’m really at a loss for what to do. I’m sad and terrified.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:38 PM • Comments (12)

March 1, 2007

191 for two days in a row

I’m slowly plugging away to my goal. I guess I'm weighing myself nearly everyday because I'm so excited to get below 190.

As we speak I’m having my morning coffee while mustering up the energy to get on my elliptical trainer. I haven’t missed a day yet. I do a moderate paced 30 minutes where I burn about 300-350 calories so it’s not too difficult. I plan on building up my strength and endurance but for now this with eating well is probably giving me a safe average of two pounds per week.

I’m feeling really good and I know that exercise has to be a part of my life forever. Not only has all my life’s worth of dieting crippled my metabolism but I suffer from quite bad anxiety and barring medication, exercise is the only thing that makes me feel better.

I’ve taken medication before when my life was really chaotic and I’m grateful for it but I really want to stay away from it for as long as I can. Much of my anxiety is situational and depends on what’s going on in my life but increasingly I’m having random episodes. Just last night while watching Amer. Idol I thought an aneurism was about to explode my head. I’m sure this idea was spurred on by some episode of CSI or House, none the less I feel like a walking time bomb.

Now that the coffee has kicked in let me go and work out. I’ll watch an uplifting home improvement show to make my exercise feel like nothing. DIY fantasy along with the adrenaline will medicate me for the day.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:29 AM • Comments (5)