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January 26, 2007

I’m so lame

I look back on my barely once a week postings and think about how nothing has changed and nothing much has happened. This is what happens when I work too much. We have a crazy project with a crazy deadline (which we never make and the process gets dragged out for eternity) and I operate by closing my eyes, holding my breadth, and just waiting for it to be over. I put my life on hold during these times, which happen far too often. I tell myself “this too shall pass” and it does, but only temporarily. I have to stop living my life in this waiting stage. I’m not sure why I find it difficult to be proactive. Not just with weight loss but with anything I should do for myself.

Now I work from home in NJ for a company in California but for the time that I was actually working out of the office there I was working out daily and weighed between 158 and 165 (max). I was usually 160. The people I worked with saw a completely different me. Since I left California in May I’ve gained 30 or so pounds, am totally inactive and obviously super bummed out about it.

The plan is to have me come out to visit a couple of times a year. I have panic attacks about the thought of that fateful email telling me it’s time. Everyday I tell myself I better take action now because it could happen at any moment. I have a slight sense of security in that there is nobody here to force me on a plane and I can put it off for a bit while I starve myself. Psycho? Yes.

[Speaking of psycho, on a recent visit to a mall that I haven’t been to for about 10 years I said to my husband “if I see my ex-boyfriend here, we’re saying we’re pregnant”. My husband was fine with that but was a bit baffled as to why I thought I might run into my ex. It was because I saw him there like 12 years ago! I’m nuts.]

Anyway, this past week two of my managers were in Connecticut, flying through JFK airport. One of them joked about me coming to meet them there! I nearly lost it. Fortunately I’ve had this major eye infection over the past two weeks and told them there’s no way. [Again, I’m nuts, rejoicing in an eye infection that’s afflicted both of my eyes, made me look like a monster, and prevented me from leaving the house at all. I’d probably risk blindness to avoid them seeing me.]

I can’t believe what consumes me. I can’t believe that these guys have no idea what I look like now. They’d be shocked.

Posted by hopeful @ January 26, 2007 12:25 PM