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November 27, 2006

I’m broken

This is the beginning of my third week suffering from chronic back pain and today is particularly bad. I have no strength in my back and very limited mobility. My best position is standing and balancing upright otherwise I can topple over. I can’t carry anything and my legs, arms, and head ache constantly. Feeling powerless is really depressing. As an independent, stubborn, control freak this is really difficult.

I guess I’ll have to continue the challenge of going with the flow and letting go of unrealistic expectations. Doing a ton of home improvement and getting in top shape is a little too far sited. I should be doing really moderate exercises for my back. Maybe denial has kept me from starting that sooner, in hope that this would go away any day now. Only in writing this now do I realize that has to be my plan.

My eating has been mediocre at best with no crazy binges or junk food benders but still in excess and devoid of much good food. The weight is creeping on slowly and while I know it’s not out of my control to change it, it feels as though it is. Each moment I lie motionless on the couch or while eating something I shouldn’t I only feel numb and indifferent. How do I make those feelings go away? How do you replace them with excitement and motivation? Do those feelings follow my actions or are my actions (the eating, the motionless) how I respond when I’m feeling that way?

I try and force myself to do good things, regarding diet and exercise, in hope that great feelings will be my reward. It doesn’t always work that way but I won’t give up trying. Coincidentally today is Monday but it doesn’t have to be for me to pull myself together. I have been good at picking up the pieces right away regardless of the day of the week, or time of day (since I fluctuate that frequently).

Posted by hopeful @ November 27, 2006 12:56 PM