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November 27, 2006

I’m broken

This is the beginning of my third week suffering from chronic back pain and today is particularly bad. I have no strength in my back and very limited mobility. My best position is standing and balancing upright otherwise I can topple over. I can’t carry anything and my legs, arms, and head ache constantly. Feeling powerless is really depressing. As an independent, stubborn, control freak this is really difficult.

I guess I’ll have to continue the challenge of going with the flow and letting go of unrealistic expectations. Doing a ton of home improvement and getting in top shape is a little too far sited. I should be doing really moderate exercises for my back. Maybe denial has kept me from starting that sooner, in hope that this would go away any day now. Only in writing this now do I realize that has to be my plan.

My eating has been mediocre at best with no crazy binges or junk food benders but still in excess and devoid of much good food. The weight is creeping on slowly and while I know it’s not out of my control to change it, it feels as though it is. Each moment I lie motionless on the couch or while eating something I shouldn’t I only feel numb and indifferent. How do I make those feelings go away? How do you replace them with excitement and motivation? Do those feelings follow my actions or are my actions (the eating, the motionless) how I respond when I’m feeling that way?

I try and force myself to do good things, regarding diet and exercise, in hope that great feelings will be my reward. It doesn’t always work that way but I won’t give up trying. Coincidentally today is Monday but it doesn’t have to be for me to pull myself together. I have been good at picking up the pieces right away regardless of the day of the week, or time of day (since I fluctuate that frequently).

Posted by hopeful @ 12:56 PM • Comments (4)

November 18, 2006

The first weigh in, again

188. OOoooo, ouch. And I had been feeling good about my eating this week. I probably tipped the scale into the 190’s for a brief moment between this time and the last time I weighed in because I'm feeling thin relative to a couple of weeks ago. Good thing I buckled down for a bit.

That’s OK, I’m still feeling good. This was a good week and I’ll continue.

Needless to say, I’m not putting myself on my Christmas card this year.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:37 AM • Comments (2)

November 15, 2006

So far so good

Two days of eating well and trying to stay positive achieved.

The gremlins that follow me around tried to sabatoge my computer yesterday. Initially I went back to my old way of thinking that I’m jinxed and should give up at this so called life. Then I remembered I’m faking positivism and that I can handle obstacles (which I’m being pegged with from every direction). I trudged through and fixed my computer long before the help desk guys could blink an eye.

My daughter who is going through her terrible twos refuses to cooperate with anything. My ideas and plans get thwarted by her all the time now. Last night she even objected to going to the mall to relish in holiday decorations and hot chocolate, all things she used to love to do. She objected until I resigned myself to doing something else and it got too late to go, at which point she decided she wanted to go and that we had to open the mall. The new tantrum ensued. She has been my biggest impetus for my learning to go with the flow and staying positive regardless.

The past two days have been good. Staying calm helped things move along more smoothly and I felt like I had more time to myself. I guess I did because I spent (a little) less time stewing in my insanity and self pity.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:34 PM

November 13, 2006

Starting Over

I can’t delay putting my life back on track despite having a debilitating back problem right now. I haven’t been able to move around well for three days now. Actually, today will be my fourth day and I don’t feel like I’m getting better.

A sharp pain in my lower back came very suddenly on Friday. My muscles feel throbbing and sore and there’s a sharp pain right in the low center of my back. I’m guessing that maybe it’s a muscle spasm or an old injury flaring up, either way, I can hardly move. Maybe it’s just a manifestation of stress and sadness.

Lately my life is just a series of unfortunate incidents. I’m beginning to feel that if I don’t just change my attitude regardless of these, my luck and wellbeing won’t turn around at all. So today I’m starting fresh and I’m going to act like things are OK. I’m going to take it a little easy and just plug through things that I want and need to get done. I’ll take things at an easy pace and not be too hard on myself.

I’m going to watch my eating, which I haven’t been doing for a while. I’m sure I won’t eat just the perfect amount off the bat, but I can’t allow myself to eat three slices of pizza at every meal either. So I’ll find a manageable balance somewhere in-between and start to whittle it away. Once my back feels better I’ll move around a bit more and build up my exercise level.

This is it, I’m starting over right now. I’m going to weigh myself on Friday and have weekly or bi-weekly weigh-ins. Maybe I’ll even reface this site. I really want to reface the site and hope I have time soon.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:52 PM • Comments (2)

November 7, 2006

Anime

I lost my cat today and I’m devastated.

Anime, I love you and I miss you

Posted by hopeful @ 3:23 PM • Comments (12)

November 1, 2006

Pictures

My camera needs to be recharged and I have no idea where the charger is right now. Luckily an awesome mom of an equally as sweet girl in my daughter's class took some pictures of the kid's Halloween party.

Here's my Mini and me.

Here's one so you can kinda see my size. I left some other people in the shot to give you perspective. My clothes are quite baggy which doesn't flatter me at all.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:41 PM