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September 27, 2006

I’m here, I’m here

I haven’t disappeared because I’m doing badly on my diet. In fact, I’m holding steady at 185.

As a self defense mechanism I semi shut down. I do the bare minimum to maintain my sanity, everything short of crawling into bed under a blanket cave and hibernating in a fetal position. This transition is wearing thin on me. I wish I could just wake up in my new house all set up with new floors and my dream kitchen. I reserve the small amount of energy I have for my daughter and my job. These are two things I cannot fail. Everything else seems to suffer a bit.

My eating is back and forth. I’m beginning to make more of an effort because I’m trying not to give into my excuses. I had been eating for every emotion under the sun. I would eat when I’m sad, feeling guilty, powerless, or whatever else. I’m trying to acknowledge how I feel and keep it separate from eating. I don’t want anything or anyone get the best of me. I’m trying to remind myself (and really believe) that when I defensively eat I’m not getting back at anybody or having a rebellious or retaliating impact on anything. I always regret eating like that and it never makes me feel fulfilled. Or even full for that matter. Some how, miraculously, my mind disconnects from my body, disarming my self regulating system and I become a bottomless pit. At those times I eat until I’m about to explode.

Reflecting on that previous thought I realize that I often feel like I’m responding to external forces and pretty much blame them for my behavior. I hate to admit that’s how I feel but I’m sure I do. Changing everything about me and my responses to the world is a difficult task. I’m not even concerned with it. I just want to change the effect it has on my eating. Just that one thing. I don’t want to respond by gorging myself.

We are scheduled to have our floors worked on this upcoming Tuesday so there is an end in site (to living with my parents, that is). I still have a lot of work to do beyond that but at least we’ll be able to be in the house without the dangerous threat of nails and staples impaling our feet. I just want to be in the house!

I’ve had many successes at dieting in the past. I know I can do it and am not too worried about it. I just want to get stable and have it last without the threat of gaining weight whenever I have turmoil in my life.

Posted by hopeful @ September 27, 2006 12:49 PM