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September 29, 2006

A Challenge

It’s been a real challenge to put my fork down when I’m nearing full. I’ve been trying to not feel so compelled to finish my plate just because I’m eating out. It’s not quite the last meal mentality I’m going through but more like “this is a special treat and I don’t know when I’ll have this opportunity again” feeling. But we’ve been eating out every day! So technically I DO know when I’ll get the opportunity again, it’s most likely the very next night.

Posted by hopeful @ 6:15 PM

September 27, 2006

I’m here, I’m here

I haven’t disappeared because I’m doing badly on my diet. In fact, I’m holding steady at 185.

As a self defense mechanism I semi shut down. I do the bare minimum to maintain my sanity, everything short of crawling into bed under a blanket cave and hibernating in a fetal position. This transition is wearing thin on me. I wish I could just wake up in my new house all set up with new floors and my dream kitchen. I reserve the small amount of energy I have for my daughter and my job. These are two things I cannot fail. Everything else seems to suffer a bit.

My eating is back and forth. I’m beginning to make more of an effort because I’m trying not to give into my excuses. I had been eating for every emotion under the sun. I would eat when I’m sad, feeling guilty, powerless, or whatever else. I’m trying to acknowledge how I feel and keep it separate from eating. I don’t want anything or anyone get the best of me. I’m trying to remind myself (and really believe) that when I defensively eat I’m not getting back at anybody or having a rebellious or retaliating impact on anything. I always regret eating like that and it never makes me feel fulfilled. Or even full for that matter. Some how, miraculously, my mind disconnects from my body, disarming my self regulating system and I become a bottomless pit. At those times I eat until I’m about to explode.

Reflecting on that previous thought I realize that I often feel like I’m responding to external forces and pretty much blame them for my behavior. I hate to admit that’s how I feel but I’m sure I do. Changing everything about me and my responses to the world is a difficult task. I’m not even concerned with it. I just want to change the effect it has on my eating. Just that one thing. I don’t want to respond by gorging myself.

We are scheduled to have our floors worked on this upcoming Tuesday so there is an end in site (to living with my parents, that is). I still have a lot of work to do beyond that but at least we’ll be able to be in the house without the dangerous threat of nails and staples impaling our feet. I just want to be in the house!

I’ve had many successes at dieting in the past. I know I can do it and am not too worried about it. I just want to get stable and have it last without the threat of gaining weight whenever I have turmoil in my life.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:49 PM

September 20, 2006

We closed!

We just barely managed to close on the house before the banks closed today. We went right over to the new house and started pulling up the carpets. My husband will get pictures tomorrow because we forgot our camera.

But we took a few with my husband's camera phone. So here are my latest fat pictures. The first one was taken a few days ago but I'm wearing the same outfit. It's my fat outfit, the only thing I feel comfortable in now adays. I'm confident I'll get back on track.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:40 PM

September 19, 2006

Being Tortured

We were supposed to close this past Monday but didn’t because the lawyers cannot seem to get their acts together. How frustrating! This is a slow torture.

Last weekend I gorged myself, I’m not sure why. I think it was because I had a lot of pressure to get a project done for work. I did end up working some on the weekend and I’m sure I felt guilty about it. When I sacrifice my free time for work it always makes me feel like crap and I think I take it out on myself by being self destructive.

I feel better so far this week and have been eating pretty well. I didn’t weigh myself yet but I don’t feel quite as fat. I’m trying to acknowledge why I eat so that I don’t eat for any reasons other than being hungry and stop when I’m full.

I’ve been reading more about how dieting and yo-yo dieting can be really bad for your heart and general health. In some instances it was suggested that a stable weight even if it’s a little overweight is healthier than yo-yoing. And yo-yoing even if you’re thinner is still bad. The most recent article suggested that you should lose about a pound a month to get your weight and eating style on track. If you’re really obese you should lose just a few more.

I’m sure I’ll be getting some really good exercise soon once we get our house. I’ve got a lot of home improvement coming my way. I’m going to do a before, during, and after and will post pictures of it too.

The closing better happen tomorrow!

Posted by hopeful @ 5:39 PM

September 13, 2006

185

Creeping, creeping, my weight is creeping. I feel like I’m busting out of my pants. I’ve resorted to wearing the same old comfort sweatshirt everyday.

I was walking through town to have lunch with my best friend when I noticed my reflection in the store windows. My butt has gotten so large I look like I’m perpetually bent forward.

I have to read the intuitive eating book quicker because I need to know the whole approach. Giving me the license to eat is packing the weight on. I’m sure there are exercises to analyze why I’m eating or how to understand my body’s hunger mechanism or something.

Part of the problem is that I’m resorting to buttered bagels (a staple in my parent’s household) the way some people resort to cigarettes or a glass of wine. I would normally resort to a glass of wine, but a while ago I got sick from the sulfites in a red wine and I can’t seem to go near the stuff (even white). If this were my house I’d load my fridge up with Corona beer but my parents would ship me off to rehab or something like that.

We are so close to closing on our house but it might get postponed because it’s hard for my lawyer to reach the seller’s lawyer. I’m going nuts. We have a few things to do before we move in and I’m hoping I can survive that long.

5 days and counting before I can start repairing what’s left of my sanity.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:28 PM

September 7, 2006

The longest month ever

The closing of my new house is making this feel like the longest month ever. I’m so out of sorts being in this transition. We have about a week and a half left.

I weighed in a 184 this morning. I’m monitoring my weight but not doing a whole lot about it. It’s just been yo-yoing two pounds for a while now. My “Intuitive” eating is going OK. I’m hoping to find my groove and balance, but I’m still eating a little too much overall. I realize that I’m always driven by taste to take a few more bites and those bites are adding up. I will continue to keep trying to really listen to my body and eat what I want to when I feel hungry and not much more than that.

Trying to curb my emotional eating during this chaotic time is tough too, although, it is a little easier when you relieve yourself of guilt for any indulgences. I feel a little less compelled to emotionally eat when it’s not so taboo because it lessens its effectiveness. I could almost get drunk on food when I would go through periods of depriving myself of it and then indulging in it. Knowing I wasn’t supposed to have it or feeling that I was doing something bad by eating it made me feel like such a rebel and totally satiated my self destructive desire.

I’ve been doing pretty well with the long walks but would like to get back to the gym to really relieve some stress with good workouts. I seriously struggle with stress, anxiety, and sporadic depression.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:39 PM

September 1, 2006

Beautiful Day

My favorite weather has to be just before the rain on an autumn (or close to autumn) day. Today is beautiful and I feel good.

I’ve been pretty consumed with the closing of my new house and trying to maintain my sanity living with my parents. I can feel my body is physically under a lot of stress due to my mental anguish.

I haven’t found my way back to the gym on a regular basis but I have been taking a lot of walks around my neighborhood. In fact, I just walked to town to meet my best friend for lunch, which explains my good mood. I’m trying to get in as much activity as I can without overwhelming myself with the obligation of a rigid rigorous regime. I’m taking it a bit easy on myself during this transition.

That leads me into how I’ve been doing with my eating. Because I’m so eager for the house to close, time has been going in slow motion and I’ve lost track of it. So I think it’s been about a week and I’ve been eating OK. Better than I had been anyway.

I’m reading a book called Intuitive Eating that my sister lent me. I’m not very far into it but I’m getting and working on the basic principles. I’m letting go of the diet mentality and not practicing any restrictive methods. I’m working on learning to listen to my body for what it wants and needs and knowing when it is full or hungry. So initially I allow myself to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and not feel guilty.

I’m analyzing all the reason that I eat a lot of food in all different situations. For example, I eat when I’m bored, sad or mad. I eat a lot when I’m at a restaurant because I’ve paid for the food so I don’t want to waste money. And so on. I’m trying to let go of those and only eat when I’m hungry or want something. If I crave something it’s OK and I can have it.

I can go on but you probably get the gist of it. So far I’ve had some success in cutting out “the last meal” mentality so I haven’t been eating things (like extra pizza) because I think it might be my last chance to ever get it again. (I live in NJ for cryin' out loud, there's a pizza place on every corner.) I’ve stopped eating extra because my mom thinks I shouldn’t be wasteful or because she thinks it has been sitting in the fridge for too long. I also don’t eat anything I don’t want to just because I paid for it or whatever other reason.

There are a lot of aspects of this “re-learning” that I’ll write about as I go through it. But the first thing is relieving me of guilt. The guilt that I impose upon myself for not dieting or exercising to a certain extent always has adverse affects.

I’ll weigh myself tomorrow to see where it’s at. I really am going to try and not have it make me want to restrict my eating. Supposedly when you work out the mental aspects of this intuitive eating method the eating falls into place.

By the way, the book is called Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. This is not an endorsement yet because I’m only a quarter the way through it. But if you’re curious, there it is, and my sister said there is another book by the same title but is nothing like it so I don't want to misdirect anyone.

Posted by hopeful @ 3:19 PM