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August 9, 2006

Text book

I have all the classic signs of depression right now. I’ve been lethargic for the past few days and I can’t stay focused. Working has been very difficult. I can do small tasks but not ones that require a lot of attention and energy.

Yesterday morning I did not want to get out of bed despite a long night sleep. And last night I couldn’t fall asleep until somewhere between 4 and 5am. Today I feel numb, just like yesterday. I could cry easily too.

Even with the check in the mail from the house sale (and I verified with my mortgage company that it’s paid off) I still feel this way.

It doesn’t help that my husband left behind a special birthday gift from my brother. If he had forgotten it that would be one thing, but he said he donated it. I specifically said that I wanted it. Rather than saying sorry he got mad and acted like it was an inconvenience to move it. I don’t think that’s fair.

I can’t replace the item. It was a Walton Lane Double Glider from Restoration Hardware in last year’s color (silver sage). I called the company and they searched every store in the country to no avail. Then I called the only thrift store we ever donate to and they didn’t have it. I’m going to find out from the new homeowner if he left it there.

I’ve been consumed by it all day. Realistically I know that’s not the cause of my depression. I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way right now. I never dealt with any emotions about moving, about the state of my life and where it’s going.

I’m overwhelmed with this move, I’m not sure what is going on with my relationship (or what I want to go on), I don’t know why I can’t find happiness in my job, and there’s more I don’t have the attention span to think of right now.

Are these things making me unhappy or am I unhappy and seeing everything negatively?

It is sure hard to stay away from food at moments like this, but for the past three days I’ve been doing pretty darn well. Some choices haven’t been the smartest but I haven’t been eating large portions of the fattier foods. So it’s been pretty balanced.

I haven’t felt quite so numb in a long time. It’s frustrating and I wish I could just snap out of it.

Posted by hopeful @ August 9, 2006 3:32 PM