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June 2, 2006

Couldn't be happier it's Friday

I’m actually due to weigh myself but already ate breakfast so I’ll pass. I can tell by the way I feel that the weight gain is significant though.

I’ve been working around the clock so I haven’t been able to unpack still or do anything else to get myself situated. But tomorrow is my day, I swear. I absolutely have to take the time for myself and spend it with my daughter and settle us in.

My plan is to go to Whole Foods and buy a bunch of good stuff so that I can prepare things that my daughter and I can have all week. I don’t really like the way my parents eat. I definitely need to cleanse. I’ve been eating too many carbs, cheese, margarine, and even eggs. It really makes me not feel so good. My stomach feels distended and like its filled with cement. I’m looking forward to getting back to more protein with steamed veggies. My mom seems to fry everything up in a pan with cooking spray. I just don’t like it.

On Monday we’re going to look at the daycare for my daughter that is an extension of our YMCA. It’s a widely recognized program and the Y is fancy schmancy. It’s all quite expensive but the upside is that I will have a membership to the gym. So I’m going to start that right away as long as my daughter doesn’t hate it for some reason. I really want her to be around kids for some part of the day and doing kid activities rather than chores with my parents. It’s only half day so they’ll have plenty of time for that anyway.

I’ve been pretty ‘matter a factual’ about the events as they’ve been happening, but inside I’m feeling a bit out of control. Not with my eating, it hasn’t been great, but not out of control. (It’s the inactivity that’s really putting a crimp in things.) But I’ve been feeling out of control with the circumstances. I hate having to work so much and not be able to spend time with my daughter. It’s been this way since the beginning. I just yearn to be with her. But I don’t see how things could change. I have to support a family and try and get us back on our feet. It feels like the weight of the world (what I might amount to, ha ha, I had to say it).

Also it’s really tough living with my mom when she doesn’t seem to want to pay attention to my requests regarding my daughter. I think ultimately she does listen and does it my way, but initially she certainly doesn’t seem like she will. She’s constantly rolling her eyes at how I do things. It makes it hard for me. Not to mention she (and my dad, to be fair) smoke like chimneys and this kills me the most. I’ve gone beyond worrying about when they are going to die but don’t want my daughter exposed to that. Second hand smoke is so dangerous and I don’t want my daughter to see that behavior, etc. And who’s going to watch my daughter on their smoke breaks? They are always sneaking off.

I’ve gone on long enough for today, but I really needed and still need to vent. It’s this pent up frustration that really begins to affect my diet and fitness. I’m still feeling positive overall though. I know that as soon as I can break free from work I’ll feel much better.

I can’t wait until the topic of this site is more about weight loss progress, loose skin observations, and down the road, reconstructive surgery (fingers crossed).

Posted by hopeful @ June 2, 2006 9:51 AM