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May 17, 2006

Loopy doo

I went in for another tightening today and it was much better. I took my painkillers before (and right after) so that I’d be pretty doped up for the procedure. Everything was much more manageable. I can gather that the pain would have been unbearable because shortly after, as we were going to grab a bite to eat, I almost passed out trying to walk from the car to the restaurant. I couldn’t feel the pain but I could tell it was there.

Anyway, that’s behind me (ha ha)!

I’ve been feeling so fat lately. I’ve donated most of my larger clothes and am really down to the bare minimum. All I’ve wanted to wear are my jeans or pajama pants with my oversized sweatshirt. Finding something to wear to the office has been a serious challenge.

It never ceases to amaze me how it’s more a state of mind than body. I’ve rocked tighter clothes with more confidence at a heavier weight than I can now. I find myself blaring disclaimers that I gained five pounds (lie: 7lbs) since my butt broke, just so they’d know I know. That’s another weird phenomenon about getting fat. Why on earth do I constantly think that people think that I might not know that I’m fat? So I feel compelled to constantly remind them in some way (usually by slipping in jokes, here or there, about myself) that I know I’m fat.

I’ve gained about 7 pounds from my plateau weight and 10 from the 158 I hit briefly some time ago. Mentally, though, I feel like I might as well be in the 180 to 190 range. I don’t feel quite like I did at my heaviest, but close to it.

On a much better note which I forgot to mention earlier, is that my doctor said things are going very well and this twist tie might work its way out by next week. If it doesn’t, next week will certainly be my last tightening. So that’s awesome! I’ll be able to exercise shortly after it comes out because then it’s just a boo boo.

Also I’m very excited to go home in 6 days (excluding today)! I’m just suppressing any sadness because happiness will far outweigh it anyway.

Posted by hopeful @ May 17, 2006 2:48 PM