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May 3, 2006

I have a plus size head

Because I’ve been eating so poorly and have gained three pounds, I feel like crud. Yesterday on a Vicodin high I took off to Target. I was looking for tie backs for my curtains but knew I would buy a bunch of other stuff, hoping that shopping would satiate my hunger.

I haven’t been into buying clothes because I’m not thrilled about my long stall. The clothes looked cute and I couldn’t resist browsing. I started in the maternity section. I’m not pregnant but I like the proportions of the sizes. They account for someone larger in the midsection than in the shoulders and back.

After I picked a shirt for someone in the first months of pregnancy I wandered to the “Women” section. I’m not sure why they use that to imply plus size. I guess skinny people are adolescent. I must have been high because I was looking dumbfounded at the size tags. I kept thinking ‘what would I be’. Then I remembered I’m an adolescent medium, for the most part or depending on the style.

For some reason I approached the section with skepticism. I found a great cardigan and headed to the fitting rooms. As per usual when I cross in front of a mirror or a reflection, I don’t look at it. I threw on the first shirt and an image of what I would look like came to mind. The image was me at well over 200 pounds.

When I started this blog I was 211 but I had been well over that. It just went unrecorded. I remember exactly what it felt like and was having a flashback of all the five times that I looked in the mirror then. One time in particular is burned into my retinas. I was in the office bathroom preparing myself to leave. I turned sideways to checkout another angle and was struck by the fact that I was thicker than I was wide. In the past my side view was my Ace. I tried to suck in my stomach and absolutely nothing moved. The only change was my face turning beet red.

This is so fresh in my memory that yesterday I believed it was real. Then I looked up. I nearly fell over. I literally had forgotten what I looked like and relative to what I imagined I would see I looked so thin. For a brief moment it made me not want to eat ever again. I wanted to be thinner.

Then I left the dressing room and everything went back to normal. The cardigan is a junior’s medium and looks OK but I can’t button it up. I sighed at the overwhelming task at hand, continued to the Home Décor section, and thought about the Butterfinger sundae I would have for desert. My throat has been hurting from the air tube they used during surgery so it is for medicinal purposes.

Posted by hopeful @ May 3, 2006 10:37 AM