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May 31, 2006

Reality sinking in and plain old sinking

Ok, I guess reality set in pretty quick and this is going to be a major adjustment for all of us. I’ve been working my butt off (at work) and haven’t unpacked yet or, truth be told, showered since Saturday! (Yeah, that’s probably my stinky you smell emanating out of your computer.) How am I supposed to look after my daughter after my husband heads back? Now I really appreciate having had him around. I don’t want to be too much of an imposition on my family. I hate that I work so much.

After looking into the daycare bit, I realize it’s going to cost me a fortune! And only for a few ours a day!

I really need and want some time to look after myself but don’t see where I’m going to get a break in the near future. I can’t wait to have time to post regularly and track weightloss progress. It keeps me sane. Well, saner. I’m staying positive that it will all start to fall into place soon. I just need to make it through crunch time for my work project and then things will settle down. I’ve been eating tons and by the time I buy my new scale I will probably gain 10 pounds.

On the upside, I’m about to go take my shower now because I have dinner plans with family. Wheh-hew I have family!

Posted by hopeful @ 12:51 PM • Comments (2)

May 29, 2006

We’re home. Unreal. 167?

It’s only been four days since I’ve touched a computer but it feels like an eternity. I’m always on the computer for some reason or another. We had trouble getting connection during our trip and we drove really long days, arriving to our hotels too late anyway. It was, unexpectedly, a nice break.

We pulled up to my husband’s family around 3:30 yesterday for a total of four and a half days on the road. Not too bad considering we were traveling with a 2 year old and four cats. There were no breakdowns or casualties along the way, a complete success!

I’m not sure the enormity of it all has sunken in yet. I’m living with my parents so it probably will sink in real quick. When my husband heads back to California on Thursday I’m sure I’ll be thrown for a loop then too. I’m more excited than anything. I haven’t felt any real sadness, or more accurately, for any length of time. I suppose my excitement and maybe some anxiety is far outweighing any sadness.

I don’t really feel like I’m saying goodbye to friends because my work will bring me out to Cali a couple of times a year and I can see anyone I want to. My house was actually harder to say goodbye to, but I had been distancing myself for a while. It’s a super great house and I’ve retouched every inch of it. But I was doing it in a style that would be suitable to a wider range of people. I wasn’t really making it my own, I was making it sellable. So I’m looking forward to making a new home for myself with the intentions of it not being transient but permanent.

I’m so looking forward to living in my childhood home town. It’s really nice. A gazillion times out of my price range so I’m going to enjoy it while I can. I’m going to hook my daughter up with some fancy daycare (part time for the social aspect) and take advantage of the local YMCA which is nicer than any gym I’ve ever been a member of. And it’s in walking distance (by that, I mean around the block). I’ll be working from home again, so I’ll have the time. It’s going to be awesome.

On that note, I weighed 167 on my mom’s scale. I’m not sure it’s accurate and vaguely remember this from the last time I was home almost a year ago. But I’m sure it’s not more than 3-5 pounds off. It is one of those scales you need to calibrate each time with the dial on the back. I’m going to get a new digital scale over the next couple of days. I’ll treat myself to one with a fat and hydration meter on it too.

While I may be eating chips as I write this, I’m geared up to start fresh tomorrow. The damages weren’t nearly as bad as I thought so I’m happy. I’m just plain old happy right now. When reality sets in and I don’t feel like I’m on vacation anymore, I’m not sure how I’ll feel. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:42 PM • Comments (4)

May 25, 2006

Dang it I just deleted this post

And I don't have the energy right now to re-write it. We're on our way home to New Jersey! I'm not sure I know anything more challenging to a diet than a cross country trip. I have done terribly on this first day but I'm giving myself amnesty. I'll deal with the repercussion when I get home.

I will try and update more often. :-)

Posted by hopeful @ 1:36 AM • Comments (5)

May 18, 2006

What a difference a day makes!

I’m so elated today! I’m pain free! Well not really, but relative to how I’ve been over the past three weeks I might as well be. Previously I had the deepest and very unbearable pain. Now I have just a little surface pain.

The pain started to subside last night as, I believe, the tie must have finished tearing through muscle. Now it must be simply surfing through the fat. So there is some discomfort but it’s not pain. Yay!

I can actually see the light!

Posted by hopeful @ 3:33 PM • Comments (5)

May 17, 2006

Loopy doo

I went in for another tightening today and it was much better. I took my painkillers before (and right after) so that I’d be pretty doped up for the procedure. Everything was much more manageable. I can gather that the pain would have been unbearable because shortly after, as we were going to grab a bite to eat, I almost passed out trying to walk from the car to the restaurant. I couldn’t feel the pain but I could tell it was there.

Anyway, that’s behind me (ha ha)!

I’ve been feeling so fat lately. I’ve donated most of my larger clothes and am really down to the bare minimum. All I’ve wanted to wear are my jeans or pajama pants with my oversized sweatshirt. Finding something to wear to the office has been a serious challenge.

It never ceases to amaze me how it’s more a state of mind than body. I’ve rocked tighter clothes with more confidence at a heavier weight than I can now. I find myself blaring disclaimers that I gained five pounds (lie: 7lbs) since my butt broke, just so they’d know I know. That’s another weird phenomenon about getting fat. Why on earth do I constantly think that people think that I might not know that I’m fat? So I feel compelled to constantly remind them in some way (usually by slipping in jokes, here or there, about myself) that I know I’m fat.

I’ve gained about 7 pounds from my plateau weight and 10 from the 158 I hit briefly some time ago. Mentally, though, I feel like I might as well be in the 180 to 190 range. I don’t feel quite like I did at my heaviest, but close to it.

On a much better note which I forgot to mention earlier, is that my doctor said things are going very well and this twist tie might work its way out by next week. If it doesn’t, next week will certainly be my last tightening. So that’s awesome! I’ll be able to exercise shortly after it comes out because then it’s just a boo boo.

Also I’m very excited to go home in 6 days (excluding today)! I’m just suppressing any sadness because happiness will far outweigh it anyway.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:48 PM • Comments (3)

May 16, 2006

168

But I ate well yesterday. I’ve been starting my days this week with a protein shake. The shake gets me in the right frame of mind and keeps me full until lunch. We’ll see if I can keep this gain as minimal as possible for the next few weeks.

I’ll be weighing in on Monday, my normal day, and Friday because that’s when the system my insurance company provides has me set to weigh. I prefer to weigh-in more often when I’m a little out of control. It reminds me to keep my eating down. That reminder may or may not be effective but sometimes it is. If I go a while without weighing the numbers seem like too much of a surprise and I’ll spend my days eating in denial like it has no impact.

I really don’t want to hit 170 and I have a few weeks before I can start exercising again.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:59 AM • Comments (4)

May 15, 2006

9 more days and counting

There’s so much going on in my head right now that it feels blank. I have only nine days left in California before I head home to N.J. I haven’t done anything to prepare. This isn’t the worst thing because my husband will actually be here and can take care of anything I need him to.

I’m amazed that this is actually happening. I’m glad that the only thing I’ll really have to deal with is the shock of the transition. Once reality sets in I can get my ducks in a row.

In light of all this, my broken butt, and the inability to exercise I haven’t been paying any attention to my diet. I’m afraid to look at the scale and see the result of damages I inflicted over the weekend.

I’m going to go easy on myself because I’m going through a lot. When I get my health back and can exercise and get back on the wagon I’ll repair the damages. But I was hoping that I had changed enough over the course of this past year (and then some) that my eating wouldn’t go to crap the moment I had to deal with some adversity.

When the eating, exercise, and weight slide it only compounds other life issues and makes them that much more difficult to handle. I wish it didn’t have to be one thing or the other with me. The weight, eating, and exercising OR life issues.

I haven’t entirely lost a grip on it and crossed over into a complete denial where I stop acknowledging what I eat, etc. I still feel motivated to be active and exercise, although I can’t do much. So I’m hopeful that getting back on track won’t be too difficult.

Oh, have I mentioned I’m in crunch time at work for a very important project. This is going to be a very interesting week (plus a few). If nothing else, I will keep track of the weight I gain. We’ll see how much I can keep it together. I am eternally hopeful. Hence the name.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:08 PM • Comments (1)

May 12, 2006

167 & Creeping

So I gained another pound. I haven’t been able to poo in two days prior to the weigh in. Can I be hopeful that explains the pound? My fat percentage went up 1 percent too. Not exercising is killing me and I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to it. For the past two days I’ve only been able to lie down. I have to go for twist tie tightening for at least three more weeks each of which incapacitates me for days.

The stress has been piling on too. I’ll be leaving for NJ in two weeks and I haven’t planned a thing. I’m also really nervous about leaving everything to my husband who has never, since I’ve known him, displayed that he’s capable of handling something of this magnitude. Basically I feel like I’m plunging out of a plane and I haven’t checked the integrity of my chute or even if I have one, for that matter.

I have to get going. I’m on my way to go brave a day at work. This might be a crazy idea but I need to touch base with reality for a bit and it was an excuse to shower.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:40 AM • Comments (6)

May 10, 2006

Oh the humanity!

The only time I can recall pain like this is when I was having labor pains. Even then you get a break in between. This is constant! I just got my twist tie tightened this morning. Thank goodness I didn’t get rid of my painkillers which I haven’t been taking too much up until now.

Still no apparent, diminishing effect on my appetite. Yesterday I ate really well, though, and logged it in my online journal. We’ll see how long this one lasts. This time there’s a monetary incentive. If that doesn’t work then I don’t know what will.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:39 AM • Comments (6)

May 9, 2006

Pie eating pictures

Here are some gross pictures of me eating the pie

Posted by hopeful @ 4:51 PM • Comments (4)

May 8, 2006

165

Hi,
Just checking in. I'm spending the weekend with my bro & sis and they're leaving tonight.

I weighed myself this morning and went down a notch to 165. Having my brother and sister here helped relax me a lot and I probably ate less.

It's nice that, when I start following my new diet plan tomorrow, I haven't gone up even further. This weekend was great and I'm going to enjoy this last day of it before it's back to the grind.
:-)

Posted by hopeful @ 12:14 PM • Comments (1)

May 5, 2006

Tracking Shmacking

I can’t tell you how many times I visit the NutriSystem website and get dangerously close to ordering a month’s worth of food. I feel powerless to get over this hump and I want some assistance. I want a personal chef or someone to hold my hand. Actually I would like them to hook their arms under my pits and move my hands around as though I was a puppet. I would just hang there limp as they do the work. I’m exhausted.

I never stop trying though. I don’t have to regain all my weight to realize I’m on a slippery slope here. I’m swimming up stream right now not making any progress, mostly just staying in the same position. Some times I slide back a bit but I never stop trying to swim forward, hence exhaustion. It will always be the same story. Right now my overweight body is offering a lot of resistance against the water. I’m hoping I’ll become stronger and leaner. Then the water will stream past me with less resistance. It will feel more like I’m treading rather than swimming a triathlon. Enough of that analogy, you get the point.

So I have signed up for yet another program to try and track my progress, etc. This one is through my insurance company. They offer incentives when you try and do anything to maintain your health. It will save them money in the long run. Of course, though, they are online questionnaires and action plans that don’t cost the company any overhead. They wouldn’t spend the money on the really effective gym memberships. Damn them. I’ll give my company some credit for having an onsite gym.

Anyway, we’ll see how this goes. The program is cool in that they have a lot of required reading that is pretty informative. I should have a PhD. in weight loss & nutrition by now. I have a menu and fitness plan. You can track stress and read about how to battle any obstacles. It’s a no fail plan if I follow it. The onus is on me though. That’s were the problem lies right now. I’m the weak link.

We’ll give this a go. Right before the weekend? I must be crazy.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:58 AM • Comments (10)

May 4, 2006

I’m going nuts

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. All I want to eat lately is gummy bears, sour cream and onion potato chips, simple vegetable soup, and Butterfinger sundae. Not necessarily all at the same time, this is just the menu I want to choose from.

I spend my days either in pain or nauseous from the painkillers. I don’t see how this thing is going to heal with a twisty tie through my tush. I’m miserably tethered to my toilet by the short leash Milk of Magnesia provides.

This is going to be a tough recovery. I’m impatient and don’t have the luxury of doing nothing and trying to relax. I’m a little too frustrated and in pain right now to think this one through. THIS STINKS.

Hopefully my mood changes over the weekend. I’m grateful for having Monday off and my brother and sister here to visit. I need them now more than ever!

I know it is still early in the recovery process. Maybe after what I know will be a great weekend and a visit to the doctor for a follow up on Wednesday, I’ll be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. For now I’m in crapsville and that can be taken figuratively or literally.

Thanks everyone for being so nice and supportive and awesome.

Posted by hopeful @ 6:47 PM • Comments (4)

May 3, 2006

I have a plus size head

Because I’ve been eating so poorly and have gained three pounds, I feel like crud. Yesterday on a Vicodin high I took off to Target. I was looking for tie backs for my curtains but knew I would buy a bunch of other stuff, hoping that shopping would satiate my hunger.

I haven’t been into buying clothes because I’m not thrilled about my long stall. The clothes looked cute and I couldn’t resist browsing. I started in the maternity section. I’m not pregnant but I like the proportions of the sizes. They account for someone larger in the midsection than in the shoulders and back.

After I picked a shirt for someone in the first months of pregnancy I wandered to the “Women” section. I’m not sure why they use that to imply plus size. I guess skinny people are adolescent. I must have been high because I was looking dumbfounded at the size tags. I kept thinking ‘what would I be’. Then I remembered I’m an adolescent medium, for the most part or depending on the style.

For some reason I approached the section with skepticism. I found a great cardigan and headed to the fitting rooms. As per usual when I cross in front of a mirror or a reflection, I don’t look at it. I threw on the first shirt and an image of what I would look like came to mind. The image was me at well over 200 pounds.

When I started this blog I was 211 but I had been well over that. It just went unrecorded. I remember exactly what it felt like and was having a flashback of all the five times that I looked in the mirror then. One time in particular is burned into my retinas. I was in the office bathroom preparing myself to leave. I turned sideways to checkout another angle and was struck by the fact that I was thicker than I was wide. In the past my side view was my Ace. I tried to suck in my stomach and absolutely nothing moved. The only change was my face turning beet red.

This is so fresh in my memory that yesterday I believed it was real. Then I looked up. I nearly fell over. I literally had forgotten what I looked like and relative to what I imagined I would see I looked so thin. For a brief moment it made me not want to eat ever again. I wanted to be thinner.

Then I left the dressing room and everything went back to normal. The cardigan is a junior’s medium and looks OK but I can’t button it up. I sighed at the overwhelming task at hand, continued to the Home Décor section, and thought about the Butterfinger sundae I would have for desert. My throat has been hurting from the air tube they used during surgery so it is for medicinal purposes.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:37 AM • Comments (4)

May 2, 2006

Operation Butt

A success! I’m so happy it’s over. I’m in quite a bit of pain, but I’m so happy I don’t even care. I was so afraid that I just feel elated now. The recovery is going to be lengthy because they had to put in a thick plastic tie that is going to work its way out slowly through the muscle. It’s pretty ugly. They had to use this method to ensure that I wouldn’t have lasting muscle damage.

I weighed in yesterday on my scale at 166.6. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Evil scale! The hospital’s scale confirmed my digital spawn of the devil’s numbers. I fear this is only going to get worse as my appetite has not waned at all.

I’ve been looking to food as a sedative and an escape. Right now I wish I had the will power to be more assertive and stop feeling so defenseless. I wallow in self pity and turn to food to feel better. It’s totally false and imagined. I have to let go of excuses.

Speaking of sedative, where’s that painkiller?

Posted by hopeful @ 7:51 PM • Comments (8)