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April 13, 2006

Oh the indignity

I don’t know where to begin and just how much to reveal. After having seen my before picture I’m sure you can handle it.

Yesterday I spent the whole day having my bum stared at and probed by doctors. I was mortified. And I have learned this is just the beginning of what will be a long and intimate relationship with a young attractive male proctologist. Yesterday was extremely hard to go through.

About a month and a half ago I noticed a bump in my nether-regions in the space between my two privates. It was about the size of a small grape. Normally I will rush to the doctor’s for a host of imaginary symptoms that are solely in my hypochondriac head but when it comes to going for a concrete, in your face, threatening symptom, I’m like “nah, I’m fine”. Naturally, I waited a month and a half until the bump became the size of an egg and started doing weird things (of which I will not discuss), gross things.

My general practitioner was like “whoah that looks painful” and “I haven’t seen one quite like it” and she immediately referred me to two young, eligible, attractive (most likely rich) bachelors in the upscale O.C. Exactly who I wanted to be looking at my bum all day. Thank goodness I showered and wore makeup. Not that they even saw my face but what-ev.

Turns out that they were the nicest and most considerate doctors I have ever been too. They spent a lot of time explaining things and making me feel comfortable. Maybe in their business they really need too.

Of course as my luck would have it, my bump stumped them a bit. They know what it is but aren’t sure why it did and didn’t do certain things. This makes it a little more difficult to decide the course of treatment. Figures rare medical anomalies happen to me but I can’t win the lottery.

Long story short I have to get this thing operated on. There’s no easy way out of the situation, it’s not going to go away on its own. Aside from being terrified of general anesthesia the second thing I thought about was how this is going to impact my working out because that is the only thing I’ve got going for me. My eating is still terrible.

I don’t believe in divine intervention at all but am beginning to think that someone has it out for me and/or really doesn’t want me to leave California just yet.

Posted by hopeful @ April 13, 2006 9:53 AM