Hopeful Loser

This week has been pretty good so far. Despite going out each night after work I haven’t felt the need to gorge myself with food. A peak at the scale this morning even had me weighing 163.1 for a pleasant surprise.

I’m having my brother and sister come visit in a couple of weeks. I had been feeling so terrible with everything going on that I just needed to see them. Knowing that they will be here soon is making me feel better already and I think it’s contributing to this positive shift in my eating.

I’ve been feeling out of control for some months now and am clearly taking the passive approach to life. I’m sitting here numb as I watch my house of cards flutter apart. By no means is everything crashing down; that would be too drastic of a description. I’m just not doing anything because I feel maxed out and unable to focus.

It’s really hard for me to get a grip because I feel like my life only consists of working a lot and managing my family. I work about 60 hours a week. What’s left of the evenings and weekends I have my daughter clinging to me for dear life because she doesn’t want me to disappear. There is nothing I want more than to spend time with my daughter. I just wish I could free up my mind during that time. I stress a lot about all I have to take care of regarding our finances (bills, savings, investments, future planning), home improvement (now pretty much done), and selling our house and moving. Oh yeah, and absolutely any important decision regarding our family. I plan our vacations (not very many); I pick our health care, make the doctors appointments, and any other day to day family management you can think of. That was a bit of a b!tch session, but that is what my life consists of. Not much of a social life (I plan that too) and even less time just for myself. It’s sad that I feel like my job is more me time than anything else.

What I’ve decided to do for the first time ever is put myself in the hands of someone else. ~~I don’t think I’ve ever~~ I have never done that before.

I am actually going to trust my husband with taking care of selling our house and moving our stuff home. I’m a bit nervous about it, but not much because I don’t even have the head space for that. The thought of having to do it myself would worry me more. As soon as I recover from my butt op and visit with my sibs I’m going back home to NJ with my daughter (and some cats).

I feel like I have nothing to lose. If not one of my material goods found their way back to Jersey and I had to start from scratch, I wouldn’t even care. As long as my husband comes home and my house sells, that’s all we need to start over.

Comments

I think letting your husband take over is a good move. Chin up. Take care.

Anne

Posted by: Anne at April 19, 2006 5:51 PM

There was one time in my childhood when my dad moved to Indiana ahead of us to start his job while my mom finished selling the house in Maryland. It took 8 months to sell because they listed the week before the stock market crashed and the real estate industry came to a grinding hault. Anyway, it worked out for them, though it was kind of stressful being away from a spouse. So, I think it's good that you go ahead and do what's best for you. Why do you want to go back to New Jersey, BTW? Do you have friends and family there?

Posted by: PastaQueen at April 20, 2006 7:03 AM

Hey PastaQueen,
Yup, both my husbands parents and mine are in NJ. We've been away from them here in Cali. for almost 7 years. We were only planning to be here while he was in graduate school (of which he dropped out).

Now with our daughter (the only grandchild in both families) it is even harder to be away from them. We miss them and would also love some babysitting support :-)

And now my grandmother's health is declining and I really want to be with her. That's what really prompted the most recent urgency.

Posted by: hopeful at April 20, 2006 8:38 AM

Hi HL :)

163 sounds so thin to me. Wow - so much happening in your life. One thing, it sure isn't boring.

I agree with Anne that it's good to let your husband carry some of the load with you, because as your other half, well...he SHOULD, that's all. :)

You're lucky to have family around you. I hope you all benefit from your personal exchanges.

Take care of yourself.

Posted by: Fat Bitch at April 20, 2006 8:52 PM

April 19, 2006

A big move

Comments