« March 2006 • Main • May 2006 »

April 30, 2006

Apple Pie

I meant to write about the pie eating contest sooner but I’ve been so nervous about my butt op that my head is in a fog. I’m not sure I have it in me today to construct this in a humorous way. I may simply relay the facts.

I was so nervous leading up to the contest I couldn’t get any work done. All I kept thinking about was what it would feel like to plunge my face into a pie. In all my binge eating days I never did such a thing. I’ve bathed in potato chips, though.

It was all very official. We couldn’t use our hands or even touch the table. We had helpers that would push the contents to the center and put pieces that fell out, back in. The first one to finish their pie won and there was no second place.

As the contest started there was about 15 guys and me. Most of the company gathered around us in the parking lot. It was the biggest turn out of all the events for the whole week. Just before the buzzer rang, another department coaxed a second female contestant. She was tall and really skinny, with big boobs. Not that the boobs have any relevance, I’m just sayin’ (* b!tch ;-))

I was shaking as I was looking down at my pie. I thought I was going to drown in it. When they said go, my first bite was pretty cautious. I was afraid to get pie on my face. , though, all my fears went away and I dove in from there on out. It was awesome. It was a little hard to swallow at times and I almost cracked up at one point. I had to keep my eyes closed to prevent myself from puking at the site of everybody else.

I finished the all inside of my whole pie and just as my helper was folding in the edges, we had a winner. A guy at the end of the table devoured every last crumb. When I glanced at the state of everybody else’s pie I realized I had gotten pretty far but if they were determining who came in second that skinny big boobed girl would have had it hands down. She was only a bite or two away. And no one else came close to that. Figures.

It was really fun and I’m glad I had the experience. I got a lot of attention for being the only girl who wasn’t afraid to participate. And now I won’t have to wonder what it feels like. I’m certainly not going to eat pie for a while and neither will anybody who watched it. I heard it looked really gross.

I’m also very fortunate that I didn’t get to the crust. A lot of the guys where wandering around saying that they didn’t feel too good and I think someone actually got sick. Sans the crust I hardly felt a dent in my stomach. And before the end of the day I was hungry again. Of course I didn’t partake in the BBQ just before, so that might have given me an edge.

I have been eating poorly this weekend which I’m attributing to nerves over the butt op. I’ve been eating this way every weekend for a while, I just have different excuses.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:24 AM • Comments (3)

April 27, 2006

I’m goin’ home

I’ve set the gears in motion to move back to N.J. in just less than a month. I made plans with my work, bought a flight for my husband, and scheduled a cat sitter. That’s as good as set in stone to me.

There’s no reason to delay and I hope I don’t jinx anything by saying things are working out perfectly. Dare I say, better than the plan that was derailed by the explosion? I’ve had a few earth rattling experiences (in addition to the literal one) and just when I think I’m the most unlucky person in the world everything settles into a new direction that seems better than the original.

I can’t wait to get home to my family but I imagine this is going to be a month of roller coaster-ing emotions. It’s not going to be easy leaving my first home where my baby was born and that I worked so hard to completely reface.

I don’t want to sink deep into those thoughts right now. Or at any point. There’s a lot of great stuff coming up that should counter most of the sadness.

Many things have tipped in my favor (you know where I’m going with this) over the past couple of days. Hopefully the scales will too! (Ba-dump bump)

Posted by hopeful @ 12:25 AM • Comments (4)

April 25, 2006

Complete and Total Barf-A-Rama

I work for a medical company of sorts and this week they’re celebrating medical professional’s week or something like that. I work in IT so I’m not really in the know. But for a few of the festivities the company wants a representative from each department to partake. I got nominated for (drum roll, please) … the pie eating contest.

Why couldn’t it have been the balancing an egg on the end of a spoon from your mouth race?!

Yesterday my eating wasn’t too bad. I’m slowly scaling back my huge dinners (despite still eating at the mall). How’s this week going to go when I know I’m going to blow it when I scarf down apple pie on Friday? So far I don’t feel the need to prep for the contest by gorging between now and then. I plan to eat nothing the morning before the pie and minimally after. I’m strategizing on how to minimize the damage.

I could just purposely lose. Although that goes against the nature of my competitive spirit and I don’t want to look like a lame-o in front of my 98% male department. I think they thought it was cool when I didn’t completely protest being nominated.

I’ve come to terms with the calories and fat I’ve been sentenced to consume. I’m more concerned about the messy factor. I have messy food issues. When food fights break out in movies, I have to cover my eyes. When eating in public, my eyes rarely stray from the table because I’m afraid someone around me is eating messily and it might ruin my appetite (I suppose I should actually take advantage of that). I’ll save this issue of mine for another post, but you get the point. I keep replaying in my head the “Complete and Total Barf-A-Rama” story from the movie “Stand By Me”.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:32 AM • Comments (3)

April 24, 2006

164.8

Barely 164. This isn’t too great considering I woke up in the middle of the night last night to have a bout with the big D. Starts with D, ultimately rhymes with onomatopoeia. So this is me at my lightest possible.

To sum up the week, eating has been terrible and exercise and activity level has been great. I love the new me regarding the latter. I feel strong and awesome and I don't hesitate to get up and going. The problem with the food is more the where and what I eat as opposed to the how much. For over a month now I think the only meal I eat at home is breakfast. I want to be out of the house most of the time and the healthy options are so limited. I’m really working on trying to stay home a bit more, at least for the meals.

This all concerns me for next week when I’ll be recovering from my butt op. Hopefully the whole experience will be just unpleasant enough to make me lose my appetite.

Is it time for work already? Have a great day. :-)

Posted by hopeful @ 8:29 AM • Comments (2)

April 21, 2006

A cold shower

After seeing this over at Dooce I had to do the dieter’s equivalence to taking a “cold shower”. I forced myself to workout immediately. This may only postpone immoral behavior for a few hours but at least I have burned off 300 or so calories of the thousands I will drown myself in later.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:15 PM • Comments (2)

April 20, 2006

Pendulous, Wheh-hew!

I’ve started working from home a few days a week again. I was a bit nervous to be away from my routine and the gym but so far I’ve stuck to lunch time workouts. I’ve dusted off my Firm “Tough aerobics mix” and put it back in action.

I was able to conquer the fitness level no problem. My strength and cardio are pretty darn great right now. But I’m still having issue with high impact.

I once wrote a post about a boob containing device that would essentially prevent structural damage to buildings in close proximity to me while I’m doing aerobics. That’s no longer necessary, my boobs are gonzo. A regular medium size sports bra flattens me up like a board.

I now have issue with my belly and butt. They are still quite sizable and the extra weigh hangs looser and is more pendulous (yay a second time to use my all time favorite word). I have a strange image, which comes to mind, to describe the way I feel my fat hangs. Envision a long haired dog that’s been playing in the snow. He’s got these big snow balls clinging to the ends of his hair and dangling back and forth as he runs. Those snow balls are my fat. I don’t know if that imagery works for you, but that’s what I’m feelin’.

As I was doing my aerobics yesterday and my fat started picking up momentum it really began to hurt. I kept thinking the next big impact was going to tear my stomach right off. I found myself with one arm across my belly and my other hand holding onto my butt for dear life.

I guess I’ll have to get a special compression garment. Or saran wrap.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:03 PM • Comments (8)

April 19, 2006

A big move

This week has been pretty good so far. Despite going out each night after work I haven’t felt the need to gorge myself with food. A peak at the scale this morning even had me weighing 163.1 for a pleasant surprise.

I’m having my brother and sister come visit in a couple of weeks. I had been feeling so terrible with everything going on that I just needed to see them. Knowing that they will be here soon is making me feel better already and I think it’s contributing to this positive shift in my eating.

I’ve been feeling out of control for some months now and am clearly taking the passive approach to life. I’m sitting here numb as I watch my house of cards flutter apart. By no means is everything crashing down; that would be too drastic of a description. I’m just not doing anything because I feel maxed out and unable to focus.

It’s really hard for me to get a grip because I feel like my life only consists of working a lot and managing my family. I work about 60 hours a week. What’s left of the evenings and weekends I have my daughter clinging to me for dear life because she doesn’t want me to disappear. There is nothing I want more than to spend time with my daughter. I just wish I could free up my mind during that time. I stress a lot about all I have to take care of regarding our finances (bills, savings, investments, future planning), home improvement (now pretty much done), and selling our house and moving. Oh yeah, and absolutely any important decision regarding our family. I plan our vacations (not very many); I pick our health care, make the doctors appointments, and any other day to day family management you can think of. That was a bit of a b!tch session, but that is what my life consists of. Not much of a social life (I plan that too) and even less time just for myself. It’s sad that I feel like my job is more me time than anything else.

What I’ve decided to do for the first time ever is put myself in the hands of someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever I have never done that before.

I am actually going to trust my husband with taking care of selling our house and moving our stuff home. I’m a bit nervous about it, but not much because I don’t even have the head space for that. The thought of having to do it myself would worry me more. As soon as I recover from my butt op and visit with my sibs I’m going back home to NJ with my daughter (and some cats).

I feel like I have nothing to lose. If not one of my material goods found their way back to Jersey and I had to start from scratch, I wouldn’t even care. As long as my husband comes home and my house sells, that’s all we need to start over.

Posted by hopeful @ 5:09 PM • Comments (4)

April 17, 2006

No gain

I’m holding steady at 164 and once again I’m very happy I haven’t gained a ton. When things are as hectic as they are now and I’ve been feeling as bad as I have been feeling lately, I consider it a huge accomplishment that I’m able to maintain my weight and my workouts. My eating certainly needs to get better but it’s not too out of control.

The plus side is that only a small amount of effort should lead to visible improvement. I can do that after I give myself a little time to deal with all that I have on my plate at the moment. I just need to rest. I’m emotionally wiped out and I’m not going to beat myself up about it.

My weight being stable has certainly been a relief and frees my mind to focus on other things. I have been more physically active, consistently, than I have in years. This has made all the difference. I’d never be able to eat this poorly and maintain.

I have the intentions of eating better each day. I will continue to, because as long as I do there is always a chance I WILL actually eat better. I won’t ever throw in the towel. That will make getting back on the wagon even more difficult. I don’t consider myself completely off the wagon really. It’s more like I just don’t have the tightest grip on the reigns.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:19 AM

April 14, 2006

My masseuse Rocky

Once again you guys are so supportive and have made me feel so much better about my bump. The fact that so many of you have had similar experiences has put me at ease. Exposing myself the way I have on this website has been worth it for all the knowledge I acquired from you. So thanks!

FYI, I’m getting my perirectal abscess and fistula (for all you who want to look it up) operated on May 1st. It might put me out of commission (for exercising) for around two weeks. That’s going to be a challenge. Hopefully I’ll lose this voracious appetite by then.

Last night we went to the mall (surprise surprise) where there is always a group of people trying to lure you in for a message. Their station is right in the middle of the hallway and they stand on both sides aggressively grabbing for passersby in either direction. It’s funny to see the disruption of traffic at these points. People start to scatter around chaotically, like a bunch of pinballs deflecting off bumpers, to avoid them.

I normally do too but noticed a women masseur (a masseuse) and decided to give it a try. I’ve never had a real message where you’re in just a towel, etc. Either way I wouldn’t feel too comfortable with a man touching me right now.

They have you sitting in these weird chairs that also support your chest and face so they can push against your back. I’m sure most of you have seen these. She worked her way, squeezing and pounding, over the length of my body. It was awesome and I couldn’t believe how strong she was. I was practically getting beat up but it was just what I needed.

At one point she was punching my butt. Literally like a boxer would a punching bag. I could only imagine what this looked like to everyone walking by. I just put that out of my mind. As she did this, all my extra weight jiggled around so much with a lasting if not increasing resonance. I thought I would vibrate the bolts right out of the chair and it would collapse flat to the floor. I just laughed at this (and because it tickled at points too). And I didn’t care one bit because it felt so great and really made me relaxed (if only for an evening). Next time, if I see that tough little woman you can bet I’ll do it all over again.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:26 PM • Comments (3)

April 13, 2006

Oh the indignity

I don’t know where to begin and just how much to reveal. After having seen my before picture I’m sure you can handle it.

Yesterday I spent the whole day having my bum stared at and probed by doctors. I was mortified. And I have learned this is just the beginning of what will be a long and intimate relationship with a young attractive male proctologist. Yesterday was extremely hard to go through.

About a month and a half ago I noticed a bump in my nether-regions in the space between my two privates. It was about the size of a small grape. Normally I will rush to the doctor’s for a host of imaginary symptoms that are solely in my hypochondriac head but when it comes to going for a concrete, in your face, threatening symptom, I’m like “nah, I’m fine”. Naturally, I waited a month and a half until the bump became the size of an egg and started doing weird things (of which I will not discuss), gross things.

My general practitioner was like “whoah that looks painful” and “I haven’t seen one quite like it” and she immediately referred me to two young, eligible, attractive (most likely rich) bachelors in the upscale O.C. Exactly who I wanted to be looking at my bum all day. Thank goodness I showered and wore makeup. Not that they even saw my face but what-ev.

Turns out that they were the nicest and most considerate doctors I have ever been too. They spent a lot of time explaining things and making me feel comfortable. Maybe in their business they really need too.

Of course as my luck would have it, my bump stumped them a bit. They know what it is but aren’t sure why it did and didn’t do certain things. This makes it a little more difficult to decide the course of treatment. Figures rare medical anomalies happen to me but I can’t win the lottery.

Long story short I have to get this thing operated on. There’s no easy way out of the situation, it’s not going to go away on its own. Aside from being terrified of general anesthesia the second thing I thought about was how this is going to impact my working out because that is the only thing I’ve got going for me. My eating is still terrible.

I don’t believe in divine intervention at all but am beginning to think that someone has it out for me and/or really doesn’t want me to leave California just yet.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:53 AM • Comments (8)

April 10, 2006

Anxiety & holding steady at 164

I’m holding steady at 164 this week. My eating didn’t improve in the slightest. I’ve been suffering such severe anxiety, at times I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I get light headed and dizzy and overwhelmed in crowds. It’s kind of odd that I crave the mall all the time.

I’ve dealt with high anxiety my whole life. I’ve had plenty of panic attacks and the whole shebang. For the most part I’ve learned to cope and it’s never impacted my job or ability to be social. The real toll has been on my body. Many times I’ve opted to medicate with food. Food literally acts like a sedative during the most anxious episodes.

Lately I’ve been so constantly anxious that I have a persistent pain in my chest. While this is all mental it will have long term physical consequences if I don’t nip this in the bud.

Yesterday I picked up a book from the mall that teaches natural methods to battle anxiety. What caught my eye is that hypoglycemia can cause symptoms that resemble or heighten feelings of anxiety. A while back my doctor has informed me that I have reactive hypoglycemia. I never really learned much about it other than her instructions to eat a spoonful of peanut butter when I feel shaky and dizzy, never candy.

So along with trying once again to cut out caffeine (a well known aggravator of anxiety) I am going to learn to quell my anxiety naturally. Hopefully I’ll be able to stop turning to food when it feels at its worst.

I much prefer when my tactics go beyond my weight and eating which I know are a symptom of other things I’m just not addressing properly.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:25 AM • Comments (4)

April 7, 2006

Boobs

There’s a funny conversation going on at Fat Bitch’s site. I love saying Fat Bitch, it really cracks me up. But the conversation about boobs is a real knee slapper too (in this instance that’s not a reference to what mine do when I’m running)

:-)

Posted by hopeful @ 5:55 PM • Comments (3)

April 6, 2006

At least I’m being accountable

Ok, I’ve started tracking my calories again. After that and everything I said yesterday, we still went to the mall last night. We ate at CPK and I felt a little less guilty and didn’t feel the need to eat every last thing on my plate, which is what I had been feeling the previous nights.

I’m still guessing the meal cost me around 998 calories (based on my-calorie-counter’s calculations). I came in under 2000 for the day though, so that makes me feel a little better. It’s not ideal but it’s a start. During the previous week I’ve been in ravenous binge mentality during those dinners out. I was practically licking plates for every last crumb and smear of sauce.

I’ve also joined the Self magazine 3 month challenge. There’s only 2 months left but all I’m really interested in is being accountable to yet another source and seeing if I can learn some more tips on what a real healthy lifestyle is. They have menu suggestions and workout routines that could help you lose about 10 pounds a month if you follow them properly. It’s kind of like having a personal trainer or advisor.

I felt weird entering my CPK dinner and writing that I had two beers and all. I could envision my imaginary personal trainer reading that, shaking his head in disappointment. At least I’m not lying about it. :-)

Posted by hopeful @ 8:08 AM • Comments (4)

April 5, 2006

Uh-oh 164

Aw-man! I knew this was coming because I think we’ve eaten out every night since Friday. I just can’t get it together. I’ve had escapist fantasies and just want to get away by the end of the day.

I’ve been feeling so out of control since having to wait on home repairs before we can list our house to move. If we don’t get it together by June I’m going to head home to N.J. and leave my husband here to close up shop. That all makes me a bit nervous and I hope it doesn’t come to that but that’s just what I might need to do.

These feelings are the worst because they make me want to retreat and hibernate. I seclude myself and become incommunicado. Conversely this leads to wanting to bust out, yet I don’t become more communicative or social. I just want to sneak off to a public place (mostly the mall) and be around people, though, not people I know. I like to watch people from the sidelines. Then, apparently, I console myself with everything from the food court. It’s all pretty text book.

I hate to keep bringing it up but that damn explosion completely derailed me. It’s been about a month now since I’ve checked in on my calorie counter. I cringe when I see the email reminders. I went in today to face the music and here you have it. I’ve gained 2 pounds since last week and 5 pounds since my all time low of 159.

I’ve been working out amazingly though. That’s what keeps me going and at all positive. I’ve started to incorporate weight training too. Hopefully this will kick in and once I start controlling my eating I should see some great results.

In the chart below (after the “continue reading” link) don’t pay attention to the average daily calorie count. That’s what I was eating when I was doing well. I haven’t put in entries for the past month and entering only my breakfast so far today brought it down even lower.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:50 AM • Comments (2)

April 3, 2006

Virtual Me

Here is a picture of me in my bathing suit. Buying this nightmare was a bit traumatizing. I recently got rid of my old bathing suit, that had I ever wore to my dentist’s office I would have disappeared under the camouflage of the wallpaper. I had to get a suit for our mini-vacation last weekend.

I’ve been enjoying my body lately despite being stuck on an eternal plateau and having a ways to go to get to my goal. I was nervous to have to deal with looking for a bathing suite for fear it would totally throw off my perception. And that’s what happened. The denial that blurred my vision abated and the rolls became increasingly loud and clear.

I new I had to go one piece and black was the safest color. Without some cosmetic surgery I probably shouldn’t attract too much attention to my body at any weight. I saw these bathing suits that claimed to be body shapers, and thinking that would be great I chose my size and tried it on.

I gasped, not only because it looked terrible but because I couldn’t breathe. It practically sucked the weight from below my chin and pushed it out the leg holes, making my thighs look like they were going to explode. I wear a size 12 but had to go with a 16. Unfortunately this made the boobs and the butt too loose. I went with it because I couldn’t stand the thought of trying on another one.

The suit is slightly less unflattering outside of the dressing room. Anywhoo, here it is. Now roll your mouse over it and see a slightly improved me. I was inspired by this post. It’s still a work in progress, photo re-touching is pretty hard and too time consuming (when I’m not getting paid). I didn’t do a great job but maybe it will help me envision my goal. In the past I’ve actually super imposed my head on a model’s body. That was fun and maybe I’ll try that again too.

I know I have to stop eating like I’ve been eating each weekend to achieve this goal in real life, but for now it’s fun to dream.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:28 AM • Comments (13)