Hopeful Loser

I’m trying to function like normal and ignore the fact that I’ve been pretty affected by the explosion. I’ve been feeling so chaotic since that day and I’m not sure whether it’s based on things real or perceived or maybe a combo. Sadness and fear have been predominant emotions too. Every shake (say by a passing by truck) or loud noise leads me to think something bad is going to happen and that I’ll be powerless to keep my daughter safe. I keep replaying how I remember the blast feeling.

I felt this way after 911 too. I would look up at the sky in anticipation that something would fall out of it. I suspiciously watched planes as though they would all veer off course in the next second. I was living here in California at the time and felt quite removed from that situation and still acted this way. I don’t remember how long that lasted.

This time it happened directly to me (and others, of course) and I wonder how long these feelings will linger.

I’m not going to stress about my eating. I’m going to continue to workout, which always helps, and try to get back on track eating well too. I’m going to go a little easier on myself so that I don’t have my guilt work against me and lead me to eat self-destructively.

That method already helped me yesterday when we needed to grab a quick dinner at the mall. I allowed myself to eat a slice of pizza, a Greek salad, and a small amount of pasta (probably a whole days worth of calories) without giving it a second thought. As it turns out, it kept me satisfied for the rest of the night and I didn’t feel the need to rage the refrigerator as I stewed in self pity later on in the evening. I did stew and I’ll give myself a little time to get over it. Oh, and it doesn’t help that it’s that TOM for me. Gosh, I feel like it’s that TOM more than it is not. Let me count the ways I can compound a bad situation!