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March 29, 2006

All considering it, isn't so bad

I’ve been working really long days lately and don’t see it winding down too soon. I’m going to have to set aside some time at night to keep you posted on my progress.

While we stayed at this beautiful hotel for two days I gained one pound. I weighed in yesterday at 162. I’m relieved it wasn’t worse considering how I ate.

I indulged like crazy eating things I don’t normally, like eggs and cheese. With the breakfast buffet at $30 per person I felt like I needed to get my moneys worth. To their credit they had a lot of fancy meat items which could account for the cost. Because we don’t eat meat we had to deplete them of all things vegetarian. I think my husband had nine Belgian waffles. I had two and nibbled my daughter’s two. The Belgian waffle handler became our best friend and completely cracked up at us. That could be because of the explanation I gave for the overloaded plates that I had tiered and balancing down the length of both arms. I used to be a waitress so I’m great at that. I told him that my kids were very hungry. He nodded in agreement and said he had kids of his own. I figured that he was trapped behind the buffet table and would never be any the wiser. Of course as my luck would have it we ran into him leaving the restaurant. He said a warm good bye to us (because now we’re great friends considering the time we spent at his buffet station) and had an amused expression as he veered around looking for our “Brady Bunch”.

The weekend was really great and this time we dressed for the occasion, brought real luggage, and had a nice car. We didn’t feel like the Griswalds on vacation like we did last time

Posted by hopeful @ 8:38 AM • Comments (5)

March 27, 2006

Two Too cute pics

We’re back from our mini getaway and I’m at work as we speak. I don’t have a lot of time for an update right now but here’s something cute my father sent me via email this morning.

The other day I had sent my parents a picture of my daughter with her first set of pig-tails. They instantly were reminded of me as a child. I loved my pig-tails and would always insist on wearing them.

Today he responded with these two pictures side by side.

Here’s me as a child and below that is my daughter. I’m guessing I was at least five and my daughter is two. Aside from our identical hair style our eyes and nose are shaped similar.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:31 PM • Comments (9)

March 24, 2006

A not so great picture

This is me this morning. My husband took it with my camera phone. We’re excited because we just figured out how to get pictures and sound clips off of it.

This picture isn’t so flattering, I look a little disheveled (as I do every morning this early) and my face looks weird. I’m not too concerned because I feel thin today. As I was walking into work yesterday my two bosses said that I looked like I was getting thinner and thinner. That started this whole confidence boost.

At a mid-week weigh-in today I came in at 161.0! So I’ve successfully put the breaks on that uphill creep. I hope I didn’t just jinx it. The weekend is here after all.

My family and I are taking a break this weekend and I booked us a room at a really fancy hotel in near by Huntington Beach. I want to feel like we’ve escaped for a bit, but didn’t want the hassle of really going far for just two days.

I’m looking forward to relaxing in a spa tub, being able to watch TV from a bed, and long walks on the beach. (I’ve always wanted to say that last line and have it actually be real as opposed to being a cliché or ploy to pick up a man.)

Posted by hopeful @ 8:29 AM • Comments (4)

March 22, 2006

Pictures that I don’t hate

Here are some pictures from a couple of weeks ago. A day before the explosion come to think if it. I was probably 2 pounds thinner in these pictures but that shouldn’t make too much of a difference. When my friend sent them to me over email, just yesterday, I wasn’t repulsed. Despite not showering because I was gearing up for a day of home improvement, I don’t mind the way I looked.

This is very new to me. I avoid cameras like a celebrity entering rehab. If you look back on most years of my life you couldn’t prove I existed. I’m definitely becoming more willing to have pictures taken and not so afraid to see the results.

Better yet, this past weekend we taped ourselves on TV and I was beyond pleased with myself actually. One of the city council meetings was aired on our local cable channel. My husband and I spoke out, along with the community, about our disapproval of the city’s actions or inactions toward our menacing neighbor despite a million warnings. It was a very dramatic event and makes me cry to watch it. Still, through my tears I’m like "wheh-hew" I look good.

So I’m hoping to hold on to these two things (the pictures and the video) to remind me not to let go of this and let any weight creep back on. I don’t want to be looking back on these and thinking I barely remember what that felt like and if only I could get it back (like so many times in the past). Rather, I want to be saying "huh, I can now pull those pants off without unbuttoning them".

Posted by hopeful @ 8:26 AM • Comments (9)

March 20, 2006

162 Totally surprised

I’m shocked that I didn’t gain any weight this week. I ate really poorly. I did have some good workouts but I doubt that they could make up for the many slices of pizza I devoured.

If I were to eat well again starting now is it possible for the weight to come on tomorrow? Is there such thing as a delayed effect? I can’t imagine so but that’s what I fear now.

Maybe my weight is keeping a low profile because it knows how sensitive I’ve been lately. It’s suspends itself until I step off the scale at which point drops back on to nest in my thighs. I could also envision a little angel with her back up against my butt as I step on the scale. She’s engulfed by my tush as she looks like she’s preventing an avalanche. It’s either that or really sympathetic gremlins in my scale.

Whatever the case I should take advantage of this and get back below 160 before it gets anymore difficult.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:23 AM • Comments (1)

March 18, 2006

Desperately seeking motivation

Most Saturday mornings I spend a few hours catching up on my blog reading. I’m also always searching for new stories. It’s an addiction I want to feed. I want to see more pictures and read about success. Maybe I’m living vicariously through other people’s achievements since I haven’t been progressing myself right now.

I am hoping to find a story so motivating it knocks my over this hump I’ve been stuck behind for months. In that case I will be endlessly searching. I know this will never happen because something inside me is preventing myself from moving forward.

Denial can really cloud my judgment. What on earth am I unsatisfied with? Do required changes I need to make terrify me? Maybe denial is subconsciously protecting me from going through a lot of hurt.

I’ve been thinking about not posting this because I don’t want to open a can of worms with honesty and I’m not sure I will pursue this avenue any further. I’ll probably just close the lid on this case and let it fester forever.

I’m hoping to find the solution to weight loss and self-satisfaction without having to conjure or purge every demon in my closet. On that note I have to go battle this sudden craving for potato chips that just swept upon me.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:57 AM • Comments (7)

March 17, 2006

Lemonade

Yesterday my husband gave me the cutest and funny card out of nowhere. It cracked me up so I’m going to share it with you.

“Hang in there…
Sometimes life hands you lemons,
but then
you can make lemonade.

Of course, sometimes life
pulls down your pants,
runs a power sander across
your naked butt,
then pours lemon juice on your raw,
abraded buttocks.

[inserted by my husband:
Or, in your case, you got exploding houses,
Barnacles in your butt, and lots of other things.]

In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn’t really help,
But darn it…
You’ve got to hang in there anyway!"

Love,
Mini & Steve (formerly “Daddy”)

When my daughter get’s mad at my husband she calls him by his name or as she would say it “teev!” I guess yesterday he really pissed her off.

Posted by hopeful @ 7:54 AM • Comments (2)

March 15, 2006

It’s just going to take time

I’m trying to function like normal and ignore the fact that I’ve been pretty affected by the explosion. I’ve been feeling so chaotic since that day and I’m not sure whether it’s based on things real or perceived or maybe a combo. Sadness and fear have been predominant emotions too. Every shake (say by a passing by truck) or loud noise leads me to think something bad is going to happen and that I’ll be powerless to keep my daughter safe. I keep replaying how I remember the blast feeling.

I felt this way after 911 too. I would look up at the sky in anticipation that something would fall out of it. I suspiciously watched planes as though they would all veer off course in the next second. I was living here in California at the time and felt quite removed from that situation and still acted this way. I don’t remember how long that lasted.

This time it happened directly to me (and others, of course) and I wonder how long these feelings will linger.

I’m not going to stress about my eating. I’m going to continue to workout, which always helps, and try to get back on track eating well too. I’m going to go a little easier on myself so that I don’t have my guilt work against me and lead me to eat self-destructively.

That method already helped me yesterday when we needed to grab a quick dinner at the mall. I allowed myself to eat a slice of pizza, a Greek salad, and a small amount of pasta (probably a whole days worth of calories) without giving it a second thought. As it turns out, it kept me satisfied for the rest of the night and I didn’t feel the need to rage the refrigerator as I stewed in self pity later on in the evening. I did stew and I’ll give myself a little time to get over it. Oh, and it doesn’t help that it’s that TOM for me. Gosh, I feel like it’s that TOM more than it is not. Let me count the ways I can compound a bad situation!

Posted by hopeful @ 6:52 PM • Comments (1)

March 14, 2006

Detox shmetox

I’m not sure what threw me into a tailspin yesterday. Was it the protein shake in the morning or just that my day got busy and hectic and felt out of my hands. When I feel I have lost control of a situation I tend to want to eat (even more). Also, the protein shake left me feeling hungry from the get go. Either way I had a bit of an eating frenzy just before bed. I had eaten well all day until nearly the last hour. In that hour I ate everything that I had resisted (but wanted) throughout the day.

I suppose this is just a confession.

Posted by hopeful @ 7:54 AM • Comments (3)

March 13, 2006

162, no surprise

I spoke to soon about feeling well. On Friday I thought that everything was going smoothly. Saturday things took a turn for the worse.

I woke up early on Saturday to do our taxes. I should have expected it would ruin my weekend but am not sure I could have put it off another week. I had to face the music at some point. Even when everything is in order and goes smoothly I still act like a neurotic crazy person. It wouldn’t be my life if everything was going smoothly so of course it stunk.

I’ll spare you the tax details and the details about how it might take four weeks to get our windows fixed, and the details about having to get a structural engineer out here, and the details about getting another plumber to come by because the last one was too big to fit into the crawl space under the house. (I can empathize with that last guy.)

What I will let you guys know is that I weighed myself this morning to the tune of 162 for a gain of about 3 pounds. Big bummer but not unexpected. I continued to eat poorly over the weekend and might have eaten all of those 10, 800 extra calories during my Thai dinner last night.

I might have to detox this week with protein shakes and low calorie frozen dinners.

Oh yeah the other activity that I partook in throughout the weekend was this. May have contributed to the gain (‘ya think). :-)

Finished off this puppy this weekend. And as I compare this picture with the previously posted Carlo, I’m sure this was a new bottle.

Posted by hopeful @ 6:53 AM • Comments (2)

March 10, 2006

ZZZzzzzz

Last night I got a better night’s sleep than I’ve had in a while. It makes all the difference in my outlook during the day. Most of the time I’m perpetually tired and, frankly, it leads me to depression, which in turn, (surprise) leads me to eat. The past few days I’ve been coming home from work, plopping on the couch, watching TV, and eating big dinners.

I’ve never been completely sunken in depression or anything and I’m way better than I used to be. Losing a lot of weight obviously helped a ton. My emotional state has always been and is still very fragile.

I’m not sure what came first the depression or the weight. I can also throw a postpartum shakeup into the mix. I’m not even concerned how it all started I just allow myself to acknowledge it as a huge factor so I can learn to deal with it.

One of the ways I try to deal with it is by getting as much sleep as I possible can. That was my main resolution for this year, which I have a really difficult time sticking to. I’ve known this for myself for a while but I continue to see it mentioned in articles such as this one about 10 tips that boost metabolism.

If I catch up on the Zzzs this weekend maybe I’ll see an end to the big dinners of late and not have such bad results at this Monday’s weigh-in.

Posted by hopeful @ 6:03 PM

March 9, 2006

Getting back on track

In the wake of the most recent events I’ve been turning to food for comfort, out of laziness, and as somewhat of a protest. I’m protesting having to take on so much right now. I’m flipping the bird at the effort it takes to eat healthy and minimally and to workout. I say that because it makes me feel better but I know I’m only hurting myself.

Why, of all the things I have on my plate (I’m referring to daily activities & responsibilities not actual food I’ve been shoveling myself lately), does my health & weight have to suffer. Why wouldn’t I say that the insurance company is going to have to wait for that call back or my employer is going to have to get that deliverable this afternoon as opposed to this morning, and even that I’ll call my friend tomorrow? They’re just going to have to wait until after I workout or take time for myself to do whatever it may be.

The negative impact that taking time for myself would have on my employer, a friend, or chores is far less than the negative impact the self neglect has on me. I know.

Despite everything I am feeling better and we’re slowly ironing out all the wrinkles. I’m gearing up right now to go to the gym during my lunch hour. To put things in perspective, my eating hasn’t been all that bad. What’s terrible eating to me now is nothing compared to what terrible eating used to be.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:17 AM • Comments (3)

March 8, 2006

Update on the Explosion & Thank You

Thank you all for your concern and you well wishes. Miraculously no one was hurt in the explosion. It’s still hard for me to write about because the whole experience and what we have to do now has just been so overwhelming I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep for weeks.

Early Sunday morning around 6:45 I was awoken by a huge blast that felt like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It shook the house so much that I could barely keep my legs steady and it sounded like the universe was cracking. It was followed by two more bangs of similar magnitude. My husband who had fell asleep on the couch came running toward our room yelling repeatedly that there was glass everywhere and to grab my daughter and get her to the back of the house. In the chaos I forgot she had been in bed with me and went to go grab her out of her crib. It terrified me to see her empty crib. I quickly realized it after having what felt like a mini heart attack and grabbed her from our bed, grabbed a robe and ran toward the back door. At this point I thought it was an act of terror and we were being bombed. I asked my husband if it was going to stop and he just said he wasn’t sure. So I didn’t know what to do. We tried to run out the back door but debris was falling and we didn’t feel it was safe. Finally my husband mentioned our neighbors name and I realized it was him and something had gone horribly wrong with his “firework collection”.

With the re-occurring blasts it felt like war until the fire department put out the flames about a half hour later. Shortly after that we were evacuated because they found a larger stash of explosive stuff buried in his yard.

We had debris from his house and parts of the explosives (some still volatile and some just the shells) all over our backyard. The front windows of our house were blown in (glass was everywhere) and our door looked like someone bashed it in with a battering ram. This all was from the impact of the blast not even projectiles. Everywhere just didn’t feel safe.

I actually feel quite lucky that while there was damage to our property we didn’t have anything catch on fire like a few of our neighbors. One neighbor directly next to the guy had all her windows blown in and one of her child’s bed caught on fire. She could barely get her large family (with dog) out of the house.

We believe our neighbor, who seemed to be obsessed with fireworks, modified and sold them. He clearly has the illegal kind, the huge ones, and way beyond the little size that are legal here for one day on the 4th of July. He has an enclosed shed behind his house where he seemed to be performing his chemistry.

On more than one occasion I actually called the police and fire department because I thought the blasts got out of control and that his shed was going to blow. I didn’t bother calling just for the minor blasts he would shoot off occasionally. All the other neighbors did however so the town should have been well aware of this guy.

I have more details and aspects of the story to tell but that should give you the gist of it for now. My mind is still reeling in chaos so I’ll probably relay the events in similarly scattered fashion.

For more on the story go to the link below and click on the “online extra photos, Blast rocks Lakewood” for pictures

http://www.presstelegram.com/search/ci_3572723

On weighty issues

I weighed myself this morning and still weigh 159, thank goodness. I’ve been eating really poorly since last Friday and especially since Sunday. I hope to get back on track today by resuming my lunchtime workouts otherwise I’ll most certainly be looking at a gain by next weigh-in.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:05 PM • Comments (7)

March 7, 2006

Explosion

This is why I haven't been able to post in a few days. The man across the street from us blew up his house and we were evacuated from our home. The family driving away in the last few seconds of this clip is my family (we are in our new green minivan).

I'll explain more details later because the news doesn't capture the extent of it. You can also search for "lakewood" (california), "fireworks", & "brian miller".

http://www.cbs2.com/video/?id=15088@kcbs.dayport.com

Posted by hopeful @ 8:22 AM • Comments (13)

March 3, 2006

Fat vs. muscle? I'm not so sure

Quickest update on my last poo post then back to weighty issues I swear. Yesterday, I made my first bathroom visit as I went to the company gym (which is in a different building). In fact I only used it to change clothes (obviously I’m still a little defensive). Again I was smacked in the face with an offensive odor but this time it was as though someone assaulted me with a spray of lemon pledge. I figured someone took a poo and was trying to cover their tracks.

It wasn’t until later in the day that I made first official visit to the bathroom back in my own building. I was shocked to encounter the strong lemon pledge scent again! This made me a bit paranoid because I thought maybe that stench stuck with me. Could I possibly have followed the same person into the bathroom after she had taken yet another poo?

Later I overheard a co-worker mention that she didn’t like the scent of the new air freshener that they installed the previous day. It’s a machine that shoots scents at the entrance! I thought that my interpretation of these events was pretty funny but what’s probably funnier is that someone thought so much of the stink I wrote about in my last post that it motivated the facilities manager to take action and install a high-powered scent blaster.

Back to the weight stuff!

I peaked at scale this morning and I weighed 160 again. I know I shouldn’t be upset about this because it’s not even a pounds worth. Aside from two big dinners out I’ve been eating well and working out a lot. Losing one pound a week isn’t too much to expect at this point, though. It’s frustrating. I’m beginning to think that patience is needed more than will power in the dieting process.

I’ve been feeling leaner and a bit more muscular. Not that my muscles are necessarily growing, they’re surrounded by less fat. My pants are looser and the works. The fat percentage on the scale read 35 as opposed to the 37 I had been previously. This is really interesting for me. It’s difficult to gain muscle weight and with all my excess fat weight I should still be losing fat pounds faster than I would be gaining muscle pounds.

I don’t know what to think. Ultimately I feel really good so that helps keep me going. I will be buying a new car and listing my house this weekend, so in light of that I can only feel excited and great.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:57 AM • Comments (8)

March 1, 2006

This website is not about bathroom antics

But I just have let the world (well, the few who read this site) know this. I went into the bathroom at work this morning. All four of the stalls were full and it was stinky. I suppose everybody’s morning coffee had simultaneously kicked in. Just as I was about to start fake reading the information on the tampon machine one bathroom became free.

After I managed to wriggle free a toilet seat cover with NO tears (I won’t use one where the sanitary integrity is compromised, dang it) I settled down to relieve myself of # 1. Not # 2 like, apparently, everybody else. Within a minute there was an orchestra of flushes and the bathroom cleared out in one swoop.

I trailed out another 30 seconds later (because I only had to do # 1, remember?!) I walked out of the stall and headed toward the sink looking down to make sure I had no wrinkles and such. Just as I looked up I came (what felt like) face to face with a woman who just entered the bathroom and had a stunned expression. She couldn’t quite hide her disgust as she was slammed in the face by the horrible odor. I could swear I heard the drums bang in the background. It was one of those movie moments that linger a minute too long.

I was so embarrassed while I washed my hands and I could tell she was trying to determine where the strongest part of the storm cloud was lingering to avoid it in her stall choice. I tried to think of a dialog where I could mention that it wasn’t me but by that time she had already entered a stall and that’s yet another annoyance of mine. I don’t appreciate when strangers strike up a conversation with me as I’m taking a seat.

I had no recourse and now she thinks it was me responsible for four peoples worth of stink. That’s why I had to tell you I didn’t do it.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:29 PM • Comments (6)