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January 7, 2006

Is it that time of year again?

I’m trying to think about what my New Years resolutions are going to be. I’ve been really afraid to make the wrong choice and feel terrible because I’m unable to commit.

I don’t want to want things for the sake of materialism or someone else’s ideal. I’ve never caved under the pressure to have a nice car (case in point, and again). I really want to identify what is truly important to me, makes me happy, realistic, and what I can live with.

I keep thinking that if I could stop wanting to be thinner than I am that it will happen naturally. I know I’m not at my natural weight because I eat far too much far too often. I’m an emotional eater and then when I feel guilty about it I eat even more, as though to punish myself. Also if taboo foods find their way into my home I feel like I should just eat them all at once to get rid of them. For a brief psychotic moment I convince myself this is a good thing and that I’m cleansing the house and will feel empowered to start fresh when the devil has been exorcised from my kitchen. Those taboo foods crop up in my kitchen daily, though, so that’s never going to work.

My goals should be more about maintaining a regular amount of physical fitness each day. That’s difficult to do when you work a sedentary computer job and have a two-hour commute (at least). More than 10 hours of my day is spent on my arse. Now that I’m physically able to have both my feet off the ground at the same time (as in jump) I enjoy exercising and being more active. I just need to make the time.

As I mentioned I’m an emotional eater and I use food to comfort me and relieve stress. I really want to find another way to ease my anxiety that doesn’t involve spending a lot of money or fill up my shoe rack. Wow, writing this has already been helpful. Knitting and Jackie Chan come to mind. Hmmm. Cool.

I have a lot more to think about, and I’m sure I’m in a bit of an avoidance mode (a.k.a. being lazy). I’ll make a list before the end of the year.

Posted by hopeful @ January 7, 2006 9:55 AM