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January 10, 2006

167!

I embody the yo-yo. I’m back up to 167 and am quite relieved the damage isn’t worse. I spent the weekend with my parents in San Diego and ate a ton! It was wonderful. I was very relaxed the whole time and just enjoyed the company and free time. I really felt removed from the stress of the responsibilities that weigh so heavily on me daily.

Now I’m back at work and my nerves are beginning to tighten and I feel a weight lowering on me as though I’m being suited with one of those dental x-ray vests. This is taking a toll on my diet because once I get home from what feels like the slowest day and an eternal commute, I’ve been using food as a release.

Last night I wanted ice-cream and I don’t even really like it. I was feeling spiteful towards myself. I’m frustrated by the situation I’m in right now and I’m not happy that I don’t have balls to change it. Poor eating is my backhanded way of saying I’m mad at me, I’m sure.

I’m not trying to be allusive when I don’t go into details. I just feel that it’s my emotional response to things that’s more pertinent to the weight-loss/management agenda. But if you must know, I’m not happy that:

I’m still living in California
I’m working my ass off when my husband won’t
I don’t get to be home with my daughter and only really have any quality time with her on the weekends
I have to make all the decisions pertaining to our family
I have to do all the home improvement by myself
I have no idea how to logistically get my family back to N.J.
I have no help in getting my family back to N.J.
I’m in over my head
I’m completely overwhelmed
I just want to go to sleep

I know that plenty of people have it worse or better, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel bad and I cope by eating.

I’m earnestly working on looking at things from a different perspective, building up my endurance to accomplish some of these tasks, and substituting another activity for the eating.

In the meantime I’m holding my breadth until the workday tomorrow is over when I can start my mini-vacation!

Posted by hopeful @ January 10, 2006 1:41 PM