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November 3, 2005

Hot guy at the gym

Yay! I went to the company gym and worked out on the elliptical trainer for 45 minutes. Next time I’m going to get there sooner and start doing weights too. It was awesome and I’m so glad I went. It being that TOM almost prevented me but I just couldn’t make anymore excuses.

An added bonus was meeting a really cute guy, hot actually. That should help keep me going. We were talking a bit, not in too much of a flirty fashion or anything, but he was giving me some nice smiles. The kind where you look, smile, and then look down in a coy way. It was very cute and when he looked back up he was blushing a bit. I made him blush! I still got it! Wheh-hew!

Yeah, I fantasize about being with another guy. Not in a bad, cheating kind of way. Anywhoo, it’s hard to even humor the idea when you feel like your body has been ravaged by motherhood and weight gain. I guess age also plays a part in its lack of resilience. I’m only 33, damn it, how cruel is this world.

It doesn’t matter that my husband likes me just fine. I feel like something has been taken away from me. There is some truth to that story about my boobs, my stomach looks terrible, and I’m not really sure anything is going back to normal. It doesn’t feel like it’s just about vanity because no else knows any better. To them I look good enough in clothes. It’s for me. I’m not identifying with my body, similar to when I was heavy.

I’m not really sure what the solution or answer is. Maybe I’ll know when I get to the level of fitness and health that I feel great about. You might think this is leading to plastic surgery. I’m not against that at all and am not ruling it out by any means. I think, though, that these feelings reside deeper than that. We shall see.

Posted by hopeful @ November 3, 2005 1:14 AM