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November 17, 2005

Crappy

I’ve been eating like crap but I’ve continued to workout because if I don’t then I’ll really lose my grip. I’m barely holding on by a thread.

My saboteur husband brought four bags of lime flavored tortilla chips. I’m addicted to the crack laced lime flavoring. I quiver with excitement every time I place my tongue against a densely powdered chip. I savor the moment then eat the chip. It only occurred to me now that eating the chip is incidental. All that wasted fat and calories. To get back at the bastard I should lick the chips clean and put them back in the bag. Too late for that this go-round because I’ve finished the bag. I told him not to buy them anymore. If he does, that’s what I’m going to do.

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Back to eating like poo. Speaking of poo I’m completely obsessed with the challenges of taking a poo at work. OK, I won’t go there again… damn it.

I have been doing terribly, diet-wise, since I started my new job. The people are totally nice there and the job’s not bad but I hate working full time and going into an office. I commute two hours a day (both ways combined). That’s 10 hours a week. I essentially lose a whole extra day of my life each week! 52 days a year! I’m heart broken.

I get up at 6 am and get home at 7:30 pm. When I get home I’m practically catatonic and feel awful. I just want to sit in front of the television and eat. Additionally I lose free time on the weekends because of the extensive home improvement I need to get done. If my home improvements where done and I could get my weekends back I don’t think that I would feel as bad.

I just feel like I’ve sacrificed so much of myself and I’m not sure what I get in return. I get absolutely nothing from my husband. Work’s rewards have never been lasting for me. My daughter deserves every bit of it, but I don’t get to spend any quality time with her and I’m sure that’s all she’s aware of.

I don’t really know how to change all of those circumstances in the near future. All I can do is try to keep my cool as far as this eating is concerned. I know that the more control I get over my eating and weight, the more empowered I feel to change those previously mentioned circumstances.

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It has been so hard for me to collect my thoughts lately too, because while I’m driving I’ve been thinking about so much I’m completely overwhelmed. I guess that’s one good way to use the drive but by the time I get home I feel like the idea I though I might post is years past.

I’m over thinking things

Posted by hopeful @ November 17, 2005 11:08 PM