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October 27, 2005

I started my new job

My mind has been totally consumed by going to work. I feel like I haven’t posted in ages.

The people at my job are super nice. It has been a great couple of days despite getting up early and being gone from my baby between 7:30 am and 7:30 pm. This new company is the polar opposite of my previous job. It’s culturally diverse and there are people of various sizes and attractiveness. They are family oriented and proud of it. The bosses and managers are genuinely concerned for the comfort and happiness of their employees. You get the picture. I could go on. I’ve been pinching myself since Monday in total disbelief.

I’ve been wearing business casual and feeling great about myself. I haven’t done a mid-week weight check in despite eating poorly. I don’t want to get discouraged and start feeling self conscious. I haven’t been eating terribly, just a little too much of what I normally eat. Of course I haven’t been working out either. I look forward to using the gym at work. Yup, yet another bonus. I’m so excited about it. I was about to join a gym close by to the office, so this will save me a ton of money and be more convenient. I’m going to start using it next week.

I saw a heavy woman who reminded me of what I was like at my all time high. I saw her in the bathroom and it brought back memories like they were yesterday. Reaching past my belly doubled the distance between me and the sink. Inevitably I got a big wet mark across my stomach as it tried to swallow the counter whole. Not wanting to leave the bathroom ever, I would turn sideways and make one more fruitless attempt to suck in my tummy, then proceed to loathe the rest of my day.

We crossed paths again in the cafeteria. She had a soda cup from Fat Burger. The first thought that crossed my mind was “no, don’t let them see that. It will just give them ammunition.” I’m still self conscious about people presuming what I should or shouldn’t be eating or how much.

I’m glad I’ve made it to the stage that I have. This stage that allows me to work through most of my day without being hypersensitive to my weight. But I think the tug of war has just begun, and therefore, I can’t rest easy. I have to get a grip on what is making me think I’m hungrier lately than I have been when I was on a roll. My mind is playing tricks on me and I have to figure out why I would sabotage how far I’ve come and all my efforts.

Posted by hopeful @ October 27, 2005 11:39 PM