Hopeful Loser

I haven’t been able to find anything funny about anything lately. Getting laid off… not so funny. Having to scramble to do back breaking home improvement in as little time as possible all by myself isn’t funny either.

I thought I would get some good material going out on Saturday night. Not so much. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and nothing fat related happened. I think I’m fatter in my mind than I am in body now. I still stand out in a crowd here in L.A. but that’s more because I’m fully dressed than because I’m too fat. I’m all for ho-ing it up if you got it, but I don’t think I could ever where a handkerchief as a shirt. And I think I saw some girl wearing just a strategically placed necklace. I may not have gotten the memo about the lingerie party, I don’t know.

All in all, I had a good time. A tall handsome financially successful guy hit on me. Even if he was interested in just one thing, because he knew I was married, that’s fine by me. I also charmed a free shot from the cute bartender. These validations felt so temporary and left me feeling a tad empty when I got home. I think it’s because they are so shallow being based solely on what you look like. Even though a certain look is exactly what I’m trying to achieve after all this hard work, it is the least important aspect of this process. Being cute isn’t going to reflect how ‘kick ass’ I am if people don’t know the whole story and what it took to get here. I am more proud of my ability to do this so far than I am the way I look (don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about that too).

Anyway, for a more lasting feeling of satisfaction I decided to appreciate my newly completed tiled floor. I came home, curled up against the cold slate stone and had a rejuvenating nights rest right there in my entry way. Not because I had one too many apple martinis and the cold tile helps alleviate the ‘spins’ but because my blood sweat and tears went into that floor and according to the manufacturers guarantee it will love me long time.