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September 7, 2005

New beginnings

I don’t know where to begin in describing my day. So many thoughts and feelings are flowing through me; my mind is only filled with white light. I’m not sure how else to illustrate it.

I had lunch with my boss and basically he told me I was being all but let go. Our client company is on course to run out of money next month and need to pare down their expenses.

I had the premonition the axe was going to fall this week. That may have led to my decision to move back home to NJ as soon as possible. I might as well look for a new job at home. Go balls to the wall and change everything.

When I made the decision to move home it felt more like a plunge. Not off a cliff or anything but into something. I’m not sure what. I set things in motion and feel like I can’t stop them now. This is how I would feel jumping out of a plane. I know I wouldn’t jump excitedly. I would hesitate, hesitate, and hesitate. Then my mind would go numb and I would slowly step out and all my breath would be sucked out of me. Scared the whole time but I could do it.

I’m in the breathless phase right now and need to get my bearings so that I can start making things happen. Find a new job and find a new home.

Cue new emotion:

I’m very excited.

I wonder if I knew this was coming 6 months ago when I started losing weight. I really couldn’t handle all of this if I was at my heaviest. I was miserable at that size and it would consume me and hinder everything that I did. Did knowing this day was inevitable keep me on track? I’m grateful that I’m at this stage in my weight loss.

My boss was floored when he saw me today. I hadn’t seen him for months. When lunch was over he said in a cheesy sleaze voice “if things don’t work out with you and [hubby] give me call”. I know he was only half joking.

Posted by hopeful @ September 7, 2005 11:55 PM