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September 30, 2005

Righty tighty, lefty loosey

Yesterday was my anniversary and my husband didn’t do anything for us. To make matters worse he actually ordered something for himself that arrived the day before. He totally was aware it was our day too. I didn’t bring it up because I’m tired of having to do all the work for it all the time but there is no way he could miss my mom’s singing of “happy anniversary to you” repeatedly over the answering machine.

That was icing on the cake after nearly two days of wrestling with my toilet that decided to spring a leak and totally stop working. When the plumbers came over they quoted me $515 bucks to fix it! I batted them out the door with my plunger and fixed it myself. A part that they were going to charge me $44.50 for was only .79 cents at the hardware store! And they wanted to charge me 400+ for the “emergency water shut off”. What! You shut your water main off just like you would a garden hose. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

I paid 40 bigguns’ just to have them come out and tell me they like the way I re-did my bathroom. I want to be a plumber in my next life.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:57 AM • Comments (3)

September 28, 2005

The Big L

I don’t really have tons of time to post today. I have to get an early start on my home improvement activities. Yesterday I installed a new gutter! At this point I really think that I can build a house from scratch.

After a long day of DIY I settled down to watch the Big L. I enjoy watching the show like I do any train wreck reality show, but that’s it. It doesn’t move me like I thought I remember it did the first season. I still cry at least once a show when a contestant has an emotional outpouring of love for their family or something. I’m just not moved thinking the show is doing a wonderful thing for anyone.

It’s so frustratingly phony. I’m too sensitive to the issue of weight loss to enjoy watching this show screw with people’s lives. If they really cared about the contestants they would ensure that they all could stay and lose the weight. I think there would be a great amount of drama (in an emotionally moving good way) watching 12 people work to attain their goal weight. My favorite part would still be the transformation of their bodies. I’m just a little annoyed that the show seems to want failure, more than success, as the drama.

Another thing that is kind of scary to me is the affect the show has on a ton of viewers. After the first season, I remember feeling like I needed to be on the show or else there was no hope for me. I thought I would die without it. I’ve heard stories of people immobilized by desire or need to be on the show (to which I can relate). Some people have even gained weight thinking it would help them qualify.

Maybe I’m taking it too seriously and should approach it like all reality shows, they're B.S. I’ll continue to watch the transformations and lust over Bob the trainer because he’s gorgeous. Yes, I know he’s not into ladies but that doesn’t make a difference. In my dreams, he’s into me. I do credit the show (actually seeing the line of thousands at the audition) for motivating me to change myself.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:03 AM

September 27, 2005

More pictures - full frontal (eeeww)

Announcement: A producer from CBS contacted me and is looking for someone to discuss the effect of weight loss and dieting on hair loss. I have been having some serious hair loss. I’ll discuss that later. He was looking from someone close to NYC. If you are and are interested in talking with him let me know. I’ll tell him about you and maybe he’ll contact you.

On to the pictures! I’m not really due for my monthly progress photos yet but I thought it would be fun to compare the front version that I never use. You’ll notice that in the beginning I airbrushed out my tattoo. Now, anybody who knows about the tattoo already knows about the website so I don’t have to bother.

Pretty crazy.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:33 AM • Comments (17)

September 26, 2005

166!

That’s a two pound loss from last week. Even the girls from The Biggest Loser were averaging around a 2 pound loss last week. Throughout this whole process I’ve had a couple of weeks where I had a gain of around 2 pounds, a bunch of plateaus, but mostly I’ve consistently lost an average of 2 pounds per week. 2 pounds per week for the past six months, or so, is crazy to me. I can’t believe I’ve maintained this for so long. In the past, any time I’ve lost weight, I’ve done it real fast. I’ve also never had this amount to lose before. I can’t imagine the strain that put on my body. I wonder what my body is thinking even now. I don’t think losing large amounts of weight is something our bodies really want to do. (I’ll save that for another post. I also want to post about how I feel about The BL show and hair loss.)

When my weight was at 168, I kept saying 186. I’m so used to being a higher weight, that sounded more correct or something. It was screwing with my head a little. I’m happy that’s over. This is an area of the scale that I haven’t seen in a LONG time. I feel like I’ve gone back in time. Or this is a different life. It’s excellent and surreal.

I wasn’t able to work out too much this past week but I’ve been moving non-stop on my home improvement projects. I’m constantly sore because I’m using various muscles that I don’t usually and I’m quite exhausted so it must be great exercise. I love not having a sedentary life style right now. I wish I didn’t have to go back to work at a desk job. My dream would be to host a home improvement show where I participate and do a lot of the design and the implementation. Since that is kind of a pipedream my second choice is opening a hair salon with my sister. I really don’t want to go back on the computer 24x7.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:35 AM • Comments (5)

September 24, 2005

Gone are the days of the stripper pole

Just so that you guys don’t think I’m talkin’ smack about my home improvement, here are a couple of pictures of the entry to my house that I just tiled. Wheh-hew!

You’ll notice there was a black pole coming from the stone planter. That was our stripper pole. I would do me a lil’ dance every now and then. I decided to class it up a little bit. Don’t worry, not myself, just the pole.

Check it out! (All work done solely by me :-))

This is the before	This is the stripper pole
This is the after! (I have to put in the moldings)
My craftmanship

Posted by hopeful @ 10:11 PM • Comments (4)

September 23, 2005

PastaQueen

I love reading everyone’s blogs. I’ll spend hours catching up with people and commenting etc. It really keeps me motivated and helps me redirect energy that I would normally spend eating.

Last night I was actually supposed to be working but I found a new weight loss blog (there are tons of us out there ;-) ). These are the coolest progress pictures I’ve seen yet! You can spin her around and see her from a bunch of different angles. Like the virtual models, but real. It was like I was dancing with her, for an hour. Then I proceeded to read her entire archive for two more hours. I got no work done.

Damn you PastaQueen, you’re my new computer geek idol.

Posted by hopeful @ 4:05 PM • Comments (3)

September 22, 2005

Party on Wheels

When I go to the home improvement store I take my ’89 ford festiva so as not to get my other car more jacked up than it already is.

I bought the festiva for the sole purpose of leaving it parked at a train station. I would take it from the station to the office when I took the train to work. I wanted a cheap, crappy car that I didn’t have to worry about abandoned at the station for long periods of time.

Mass transportation is not very good in California. There are very few commuter trains scheduled, hence, I would always miss the train. Most days I ended up driving the Fest the whole 60 miles to and from work. For a period of time I lent it to a friend who also drove it a great distance through mountains! My point being, the car persevered through way more than its intended usage. Above and beyond that, I’ve had this car for about six years and never had to get any repair work on it, aside from new brake pads.

Those new over tightened brakes left me stranded at a bar one night. When the tow truck guy arrived he was cracking up. He told me I should have just carried the car home. The guys at Jiffy Lube also laugh every time I come in for an oil change, but they love the car none the less. It’s the best $1400 I’ve ever spent. Ha! Who’s laughing all the way to the bank!? Well not me exactly because I still don’t have money. But thanks to this car I don’t have even less.

Initially when you look at the car you might mistake it for a go-cart and not think that it is road worthy. It is a bit scary driving on the highways because it’s so small and light. If you have just the driver’s side window rolled down and a big truck drives by, the gust of wind might cause you to take flight. That’s ok too because I save a lot in gas fluttering through traffic in my magic carpet car.

It is very gas efficient to begin with. As Kevin pointed out, I can probably fill the tank, even today, for $10 because I think it has a less than ten gallon tank. (Hey, maybe I thought I was driving the Fest the other day.) I can’t remember the last time I put gas in it.

Anyway, I’m always so surprised by how much stuff I can fit in this deceptively roomy car. I fit about ten pieces of eight foot long molding inside and balanced a tons worth of bead board paneling on top. I might have gotten home quicker if I had created a makeshift sail by attaching a plastic bag to the top of one of the molding pieces and sailed home. But everything worked out great once I loaded the car, then loaded the car into the shopping cart and wheeled home.

Feast your eyes on this beauty

Posted by hopeful @ 12:11 PM • Comments (4)

September 20, 2005

Chart 9/19/2005 (just me)

I’m holding steady at 168.6. That’s down just over 4 pounds from last week for my biggest loss yet! I guess my weekend shenanigans didn’t sabotage my weight after all. That boost is just what I needed, I was beginning to think I didn’t want to let go of the 170’s.

I have achieved a couple of milestones here: 1) I am more than half way to goal and 2) according to today’s bogus social standards, I’m no longer considered obese. I’m calling my doctor because this should lower my health insurance costs. Yup, I pay for my own and they charge me 25% more because of my weight (or I should say, what it was).

Below is my progress chart. (I’ll have to work on getting the group progress charts up and running again.)

Progress Chart Just Me - 9/19/05

Posted by hopeful @ 3:10 PM • Comments (2)

September 19, 2005

Searching for funny (and Saturday night)

I haven’t been able to find anything funny about anything lately. Getting laid off… not so funny. Having to scramble to do back breaking home improvement in as little time as possible all by myself isn’t funny either.

I thought I would get some good material going out on Saturday night. Not so much. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and nothing fat related happened. I think I’m fatter in my mind than I am in body now. I still stand out in a crowd here in L.A. but that’s more because I’m fully dressed than because I’m too fat. I’m all for ho-ing it up if you got it, but I don’t think I could ever where a handkerchief as a shirt. And I think I saw some girl wearing just a strategically placed necklace. I may not have gotten the memo about the lingerie party, I don’t know.

All in all, I had a good time. A tall handsome financially successful guy hit on me. Even if he was interested in just one thing, because he knew I was married, that’s fine by me. I also charmed a free shot from the cute bartender. These validations felt so temporary and left me feeling a tad empty when I got home. I think it’s because they are so shallow being based solely on what you look like. Even though a certain look is exactly what I’m trying to achieve after all this hard work, it is the least important aspect of this process. Being cute isn’t going to reflect how ‘kick ass’ I am if people don’t know the whole story and what it took to get here. I am more proud of my ability to do this so far than I am the way I look (don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked about that too).

Anyway, for a more lasting feeling of satisfaction I decided to appreciate my newly completed tiled floor. I came home, curled up against the cold slate stone and had a rejuvenating nights rest right there in my entry way. Not because I had one too many apple martinis and the cold tile helps alleviate the ‘spins’ but because my blood sweat and tears went into that floor and according to the manufacturers guarantee it will love me long time.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:05 AM • Comments (2)

September 17, 2005

168!

I weighed myself this morning because I wanted to see where I was at before I go to this party tonight. That way I can assess the damages tomorrow or Monday. I know I’m being obsessive (and greedy) but I haven’t had great progress lately and am eager to fit into some more of my smaller clothes.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw 168.6 on the scale. That’s almost a five pound loss! I’m so excited.

I know what made the difference this week. This is my first full week of unemployment and I’ve been working non-stop on home improvement. I’ve finished tiling my front entry way and it was back breaking work. I also got in all of my workouts. I ate what I usually do but we haven’t eaten out yet and it’s Saturday. Normally I can’t make it past Thursday without wanting to go out. Then we proceed to eat out for the rest of the weekend.

For the next couple of months my days will be filled with projects that will definitely be great exercise. We are also really going to try not to eat out to conserve money. Maybe I’ll lose a little more than I have been over that time.

Today I’m dedicating my workout to two beers I’m going to have tonight. Hopefully it won’t take much more than that to give me the courage to dance my butt off.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:57 AM • Comments (4)

September 15, 2005

My stats n' stuff

It just occurred to me that I haven’t clearly stated my stats and goal, etc. Below is my progress chart. Jeeze, lately I’ve been acting as though I’m skinny mini and I’m not even half way to my goal. I strut my stuff as though I’m thin but according to my BMI I’m still obese.

My BMI is 30.6. I’m four pounds away from being “overweight” and 33 pounds away from being “normal”. (Yup, I kept putting in numbers in two pound increments and hitting “calculate” over and over.) Well, hoo-rah, yippee, that really puts things in perspective damn it.

Start weight: 211
Goal weight: 130
Current weight: 173
Pounds lost: 38
Percentage to goal: 46.9%

That start weight is probably not even my heaviest, but I wouldn’t go near a scale. I said that I had 90 pounds to lose in my intro. I’m either dumb or really hoping I’ll hit 120 some day.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:56 PM • Comments (5)

September 14, 2005

What is rightly mine

Have you seen that commercial that goes something like this?

There’s an average Joe standing in line at a bank. A wealthier looking person walks in and steps into a side door. The Joe decides to follow suit and enters a fancy room where it looks like a royal ball is going on. He utters his surprise that an average person could get treated this special. When the hosts of the party hear this they take immediate measures to remove him.

Today I felt privy to the rooms that thinner people frequent. These rooms I speak of are a metaphor for really nice treatment by HOT guys! Wheh-hew!

I started a project to tile the entry to my house and went to my local home improvement store to buy all the materials. First of all, it is a lot easier to get assistance now. When I asked the cute guy in the tile department about what I should use to cut slate tile he went above and beyond and proceeded to give me a whole demonstration. He said that he’d be happy to cut my tiles for me if I just go home and mark them. He gave me his marking pencil (that they sell there), his name (so I could just come in and ask for him), and told me he would be there until eleven (they close at ten). How’s that for service?

I went to another DIY store where they have bigger slate tiles for cheaper. The cashier lady informed me they could do the cuts there for fifty cents a cut. When I went back for the cuts I ran into hot guy number two. For a second I actually pondered a correlation between hot guys and tile cutting. How dumb, the ratio of hot guys in construction and home improvement is off the charts in my book so it was a likely scenario. Anyway, I was expecting a ticket or something when he was done but he just gave me a great smile and told me not to worry about it. He sent me on my way with a really nice “have a great night”. I’m not even laying it on thick, he was being cutesy with me. I know that being a woman in a home improvement store gives me an edge to begin with, but I really believe my weight (or lack of it) made the difference.

I’m going to put this theory to the test when I get my car inspected. My car is not so much a car as it is a golf cart. Ford Festiva, vintage ’89, need I say more? No. I need all the help I can get.

So is this how it is? Thin people get free stuff? I may have stolen those cuts today, but this is just the beginning. I’m going to steal back everything that was rightly mine even when I was heavier.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:05 PM • Comments (5)

September 13, 2005

173

The damage from my eating over the weekend is a one pound gain. My weekends are killing me. That’s where I’ve been blowing it each week. It’s so damn easy to gain weight.

I got off to a great start today working out. I want to try and lose more than my usual two pounds this week. I have big plans for Saturday that could end up breaking the bank so I want to try and account for that ahead of time. I’m going to dinner and then a party at a new happening place in L.A.

The friend I’m going with is skinny, beautiful, and can eat like there’s no tomorrow without having to worry about it. It is a little tough when we eat together because she can really go to town. And have you notice that not too many people want to go to town alone? Without even realizing it (or maybe they do) they apply pressure to make you join them. I’m an easy mark and tend to fold quickly. I really never thought that I succumbed to peer-pressure but I guess I do. I don’t enjoy fielding questions like “are you eating” or “are you sure you’re eating enough” or being told that it’s a special occasion so “you have to eat the cake”.

Do people of the lesser weight have to deal with those interrogations? I’m hoping as I get thinner people forget about how heavy I was and stop doing that. I guess fending it off is part of this exercise too. I’m supposed get better at my responses to it. I’ll add learning that skill to my frikin’ infinite list of things to do.

I’m going to try and keep my eating to a minimum but I’m not sure I can be so successful with the drinking. I’m bound to be nervous. I haven’t been to a social function where I didn’t know anybody for a very long time. It has been even longer since I’ve been to a function where I look pretty good.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:22 PM • Comments (6)

September 12, 2005

I’m back from Joisey

I was only gone for a couple of days but I feel like I was gone for a while. I think the contrast between NJ and California exacerbate that, along with staying away from the computer. I had a great time and it pumps me up to move home.

Tomorrow I’ll weigh myself to assess the damages. No single huge meal stands out. I feel like I ate continuously all weekend, picking here or there. And all of my choices where of the non-healthy kind.

I’ve been trying to work on how I deal with eating when I’m out of my typical routine. Most things don’t throw me for too much of a loop any more but vacations kind of do. I find myself thinking about each place I’m going to eat and what good stuff is going to be offered. Like the chips and dip at my grandma’s. No chips n’ dip taste better. It’s crazy that so many of my fondest memories are infused with food.

From the moment I start thinking about the food that’s going to be somewhere the progressively bigger the challenge gets to stay away from it. If I manage to restrain myself for any amount of time, it haunts me and eats away at me until I cave. Even if I miraculously don’t succumb to the temptation, what fun is constantly being preoccupied?

Will I never be normal?

Posted by hopeful @ 10:49 PM • Comments (1)

September 9, 2005

The aftermath

First, thanks for all the support! I got a lot of comments (for me) over the past couple of days and it feels awesome, just when I need it most.

I’m not sure if the enormity of everything has sunk in because today I just felt great. I didn’t know exactly what to do with myself. I gave me the day off. My only plan was to work out. Everything else was up for grabs.

I had a great workout; I was pumped up and kicked butt. I did a hardcore step aerobics tape. My brother made me an awesome wooden step when I was in 8th grade or something and I use it all the time. It only got a break during the past four years of fatness. I swear by the step.

I don’t have cable, so TV is pretty boring and I don’t really watch much. (Keep in mind though, I do have cable internet and our TV is still attached to the cable line for the minimal signal.) Today, after I finished my workout and was rewinding my tape, my eyes almost popped out of my head when I realized I was watching a home improvement show on HGTV! I’m getting cable TV! Uh-oh. Good thing I saw this AFTER my workout otherwise I wouldn’t have worked out at all.

Not having TV freed so much time, un-fogged my brain, and was integral to my weight loss and productivity in general. Now is not the time to have a plethora of home improvement shows available to me 24/7, especially because I can’t get fired for watching it 24/7. I’m so vulnerable right now!! This is just a test!

I’m leaving tomorrow to spend the weekend in Jersey. I hope by the time I get back on Tuesday the cable company has realized they flipped the switch for the wrong household or something. Like my daily battle against the call of Cheetos isn’t enough. As it is, I’ve already soldered the TV’s channel to this one (I learned soldering on a previous show).

Sorry if I sound distracted right now, I’m watching a couple get their living room re-done for under a thousand dollars. In fact, it has taken me all day to write this post. (Needless to say what I did with the rest of my day?) I haven’t even packed.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:28 AM • Comments (2)

September 7, 2005

New beginnings

I don’t know where to begin in describing my day. So many thoughts and feelings are flowing through me; my mind is only filled with white light. I’m not sure how else to illustrate it.

I had lunch with my boss and basically he told me I was being all but let go. Our client company is on course to run out of money next month and need to pare down their expenses.

I had the premonition the axe was going to fall this week. That may have led to my decision to move back home to NJ as soon as possible. I might as well look for a new job at home. Go balls to the wall and change everything.

When I made the decision to move home it felt more like a plunge. Not off a cliff or anything but into something. I’m not sure what. I set things in motion and feel like I can’t stop them now. This is how I would feel jumping out of a plane. I know I wouldn’t jump excitedly. I would hesitate, hesitate, and hesitate. Then my mind would go numb and I would slowly step out and all my breath would be sucked out of me. Scared the whole time but I could do it.

I’m in the breathless phase right now and need to get my bearings so that I can start making things happen. Find a new job and find a new home.

Cue new emotion:

I’m very excited.

I wonder if I knew this was coming 6 months ago when I started losing weight. I really couldn’t handle all of this if I was at my heaviest. I was miserable at that size and it would consume me and hinder everything that I did. Did knowing this day was inevitable keep me on track? I’m grateful that I’m at this stage in my weight loss.

My boss was floored when he saw me today. I hadn’t seen him for months. When lunch was over he said in a cheesy sleaze voice “if things don’t work out with you and [hubby] give me call”. I know he was only half joking.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:55 PM • Comments (5)

September 6, 2005

Nude September

The scale said 172 this morning. It was teetering between 171 and 172 (so close)! That's ok since I did indulge this holiday weekend, so I'm not too unhappy about it.

Since the last picture was taken I've only lost 6 pounds. Kinda looks like it came from my belly. Also my back roll is smoothing out. I look taller in the most recent pic too. Me like.

August	September

Here are the outlines superimposed over each other. The pink is the most recent profile.

I always have to show the first picture and the latest

February	September

Speechless.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:44 AM • Comments (16)

September 3, 2005

NGD - not to be mistaken for the beer

Yesterday I had to go to the doctor because I’ve lost my battle with a UTI. I thought maybe I could drink a lot of cranberry juice and water and everything would be OK. What’s worse is I also tried drinking apple cider vinegar by the cup loads. I thought it would make me pee acid and clear out any bacteria. Needless to say, I’m extremely turned off to salads right now unless the dressing is of a creamy persuasion.

I waited with excited and nervous anticipation to see if the nurse would make me get on the scale. Sure enough, she did. It wavered around for a bit, keeping me in suspense, and finally landed on 171. I was fully clothed and it was after I had eaten lunch! I was so excited, and kind of annoyed that the nurse wrote it down before it stopped moving. They always do that, so sure that it’s not going to indicate they need to lessen the weight. I guess they’re experienced enough to know, that if the needle doesn’t slam to one side immediately, that’s what you weigh. But I’ll be damned if that doesn’t squelch my hopes that I might weigh a smidgen less.

Anyway, I was happy with that. It means I’m on track to lose 2 pounds this week. I’m not going to etch that in stone because I’ve blown it over the weekend before. We’ve already eaten out twice, the weekend isn’t even half over, and this is a holiday weekend. The cards are stacked against me. Seeing that on the scale, though, helps motivate me to want to hold on to it.

When I was at the pharmacy, waiting for my prescription, I noticed the diet pill section. There was a big box shaped like a half a grapefruit. It said “The New Grapefruit Diet ™ with Apple Cider Vinegar”. They claimed to have “taken powerful ingredients that made the original "Grapefruit Diet" such a success and formulated them into an amazingly effective new program!” I had no idea that the grapefruit diet was ever touted as a success. And of course any pill could be when “used with the enclosed diet and exercise program”. I get so annoyed by that disclaimer.

Might I have been conforming to the new diet trend of apple cider vinegar last week? I didn’t realize I was so hip. Is that the reason I lost my two pounds by Friday?? I Doubt it. Funny thing is I’m also obsessed with grapefruit. I eat no less than one a day. I did this at my heaviest too. I can tell you first hand that they don’t increase your metabolism or lessen your appetite. At best they just aid you in going to the bathroom.

Drinking the vinegar may have helped decrease my appetite because it was just plain old gross. Your whole insides feel like they’re on fire and the vinegar gas looms in your mouth for quite a while ruining the taste of anything you eat thereafter.

Consider the NGD put to the test. I would suggest you don’t waste your money. And as for the vinegar stunt, it was performed by a professional idiot so don’t try this at home. Your esophagus might prove to come in handy some day, you probably don’t want to destroy it. It didn’t even help with my UTI.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:05 PM

September 1, 2005

Carlo is cool

I’ll go as far as to say he’s my paisano.

Here you have it, since more than a few of you asked about the wine I was drinking the other night. Below is a wine seller’s description of it.

A light-bodied chianti. The name means "friend."

Winemaker Notes
The lightest of our reds, Paisano also seems to show up most often at big family gatherings. [That’s because it is dirt cheep, how else could you get your big Italian family juiced up without going broke?] There’s something about the clean, easy-to-enjoy style and crisp raspberry taste of this wine that make it a favorite.

It is really nice though. It’s like punch or soda, certainly not fancy. We used to make fun of my parents for drinking it, now look at me. I couldn’t be a better example of the apple not falling far from the tree. I love ya’ ma.

Word of caution: wine is not a dieters friend. It has a lot of calories and when you lose your inhibitions, you throw your diet in the trash, light it on fire, and proceed to eat like the wind.

Check out my big jug of it below :-) I think I threw down 5 bucks for this bad boy. I should show progress charts on how fast I empty these jugs each month.

and please drink responsibly

Posted by hopeful @ 5:14 PM • Comments (3)