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April 7, 2005

What Have I Done?

First of all, let me just say that I survived yesterday with no glitches. I ate very well with the only downside being that I didn’t get a chance to exercise. I have exercised every other day this week, so everything is good on that front, I’m just a little tired.

But just when I thought things couldn’t get any more hectic, my boss asked me if I wanted to be hired by our client company (along with the rest of the team). This turned out to be much more of a difficult decision than I thought. I could continue on, not being so happy or take a chance at taking life by the balls and being happier. The reason why accepting the job would make me unhappy isn’t because the job is so terrible or the people I work with are, on the contrary, I love two of the guys to no end. I would be unhappy because I’ve been letting the cards fall in a certain direction when it comes to making life decisions rather than forging my own path that would really make me happy. I have been really fortunate in the directions those cards have fell so far, but I know I can’t rely on that forever and I want to learn to have the courage to listen to, and lead myself.

I just had a gut feeling that I shouldn’t take the job. So I asked for a six month contract instead. This is riskier because the company might reject it, and me all together, right now, or I could be through in six months. So I’m hoping I just bought myself time to figure out why I didn’t take the job, how I’m going to get my life in order, and what I’m going to do next. Another element that added to the pressure of this decision is that I am the sole wage earner in this family. I need to provide my husband and daughter with an income and insurance and hopefully I didn’t just gamble away their safety and security.

But I feel great today, very empowered. I’m looking forward to getting my sense of humor back and even getting on the scale Monday, because I’ve been damn good this week.

Posted by hopeful @ April 7, 2005 5:08 PM