« One, Two, Three for Me • Main • The Mini-dot »

March 20, 2005

The Fat Suit

It’s tough having an issue that is so visible. I wish I could leave my fat suit at home and go out into the world with the confidence I do have in other aspects of myself. I don’t want to lose that. The fatter I get the more it chips away at my overall confidence in general.

When I go places I’m so preoccupied that all people can think about is how fat I am. It impacts everything that I do. That adds to making this battle more difficult.

A specific example always pops in my mind.

When I was at the super market there was a cute young male cashier. He was chatting it up with a pretty cute girl two people in front of me. He was friendly and outgoing. To the “normal” (normal in weight and average looks) man directly in front of me the cashier was mildly indifferent but nice. When it came close to my turn I saw the cashier boy check me out and then keep his face down as I approached. He barely mumbled a “how’s it going?” I was friendly, as per usual. The bagger who was bagging my groceries asked the cashier a question about who sang some song title (I now forget what the title was, but it was a contemporary young song). As the cashier was puzzling over it, I said that I knew who it was and told them. The bagger (who, by the way, was a pimply young boy who seemed to look up to the cute cashier) was excited and started engaging me in some conversation about the band. Then the cashier seemed to chipper up and joined in. He seemed to realize that I was pretty cool. So by the time I was ready to leave, the guys were like “hey, see ya, have a great weekend” yadda yadda yadda.

I hate that I’m not appealing to men (or most of them) any more. I know I’m married but it still feels good to be a hottie.

Posted by hopeful @ March 20, 2005 8:36 PM