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March 31, 2005

One of my new heros!

Froglette -
If you want me to remove this link, just let me know. You ROCK!

Posted by hopeful @ 11:40 AM

Are you kidding me?

You know that nightmare story where someone asks you when the baby is due and you’re not pregnant?

Does this count? ... I was in the maternity store buying clothes (this might be my fault) with my daughter (almost 14 months) and I was chatting it up (as per usual) with the sales clerk when she asked me “when are you due?” I pointed to my daughter and said “oh, you’re lookin’ at her. Yup, I have no excuse.” She apologized profusely as she tried to convince me that she (maybe a size 4) shops there too.

It was a maternity store after all, so maybe that led to the misunderstanding? Unless she just started working there, though, how could that not have happened to her before? Has no other non-pregnant, simply, just heavy person ever shopped there before? How could she not have asked them too and learned her lesson?

Moral of the story: Err on the side of caution and don’t ask.

Oh there’s more…
Not too long ago, I went out to dinner with some co-workers, including my boss, where most of them drank a little bit. My boss actually put quite a few down and I, for no particular reason, didn’t drink at all. During the car ride home I mentioned my low tolerance and how I’m loopy after just a couple glasses of wine, to which my boss responded with a dumbfounded “huh, that surprises me, I woulda’ thought...” I had to nip it in the bud with “muscle metabolizes alcohol better than fat does.” There was a nice lengthy silence after that. I’m not sure he meant to think that out loud.

Moral once again: Shutty uppy!

If I had a nickel…
For every time someone looked at me in disbelief when I tell them I’m a vegetarian. I’ve even had one person tell me that all the vegetarians they knew were “like emaciated.”

I’ve been a vegetarian (mostly vegan) for over 7 years; I’m living proof that you can be vegetarian and fat. There is plenty to eat and it’s not rabbit food. May I remind you that Cheetos are vegetarian!

Moral…: I give up, call Ripley’s

Posted by hopeful @ 7:42 AM

March 29, 2005

The beauty of this site is in the comments!

Hey all, this site is really taking off and I love reading the comments here. You guys are really insightful, inspirational and best of all, funny! We all share similarities in our thoughts and experiences and that’s what makes this feel so supportive and comfortable. We are off to a great start in applauding our successes (which are sooo desearved!) and lessening the blow of our defeats (mine anyway :-) ).

So thanks for that!

Posted by hopeful @ 11:14 PM

At least I didn't go balls to the wall

These are kind of conflicting thoughts here but the weekend went by in a blip and I miss my sister already, but at the same time, as I sit here in front of my computer, it feels as though I haven’t been here in a long while. It’s good to be back.

How’d I do? I didn’t do well, but I didn’t do as bad as I thought I might. Everybody was in vacation mode and wanted to eat everywhere and often. We live near a touristy city and walked from one eatery to another. I did indulge in my Thai coconut curry and a few other favorites like caesar salad! I didn’t eat as much as everybody else; it was just a little too much (especially when it came to the eggplant calzone).

What made me feel the most awful was when, after my typical breakfast this morning (veggie bacon with soy cream cheese sandwich), I had 3 small slices of left over pizza! I don’t even know why I did it or when I made the decision to do it. It was as though it just happened. Before I knew it I was wondering “what did I just do?” Those slices sat in my stomach like a brick all morning. To make matters worse, I’m tired today as per usual and didn’t exercise because of it.

I’m not going to continue to let just two days get me down, in retrospect it wasn’t such a disaster. We walked a lot and my daughter was particularly clingy so I carried 22 extra pounds around most of the time. I never had the “I blew it so I might as well go balls to the wall” attitude. And even though I didn’t exercise today, I recovered from the pizza and ate well the rest of the day. I plan on going to bed right after I post this, resisting the urge to read the entire Internet and watch all the shows that I taped.

Sometimes it amazes me that my life is such a conscious effort. What would I be like and what might I have accomplished if I didn’t direct so much time, energy, and thought into developing healthy eating habits and regaining a fit body. Prior to editing that previous sentence it contained words like “has to be” in front of “conscious effort” and “have to” before “direct so much time”. I decided to take those words out because it doesn’t “have” to be, I’m choosing to do this and that empowers me. My goal is for this to feel more natural and to come more easily to me so that in time I will have more of myself to dedicate to something else.

I'm not going to weigh myself today because I don't want to get discouraged. I’ll just keep on trudging forward without looking back. I hope I have the energy to step it up a notch this week.

Posted by hopeful @ 10:24 PM

March 26, 2005

Uh-oh

A friend of mine called and asked me to help out with her garage sale she is having before she moves. She also set aside a few things for me. A DEEP FRYER and a lamp. A Deep fryer!! I just froze, the words "no" did not come out of my mouth. The part of me that wants it kicked the part of me that knows I shouldn't have it to the curb.

The upside is that I never cook. So hopefully it just collects dust like my food processor, juicer, and bread maker. All of which I don't even know where they are.

Announcement: My sister is coming this weekend so I don't know how frequently I'm going to post over the next couple of days. My sister is thin and so is her friend who's coming with. There's going to be a lot of girl talk and drinking wine.

I hope it doesn't throw me off too much. This will be my first challenge to staying on track. I haven't made too drastic of a change yet so everything has been very easy to stick to so far. My diet has been dwindling. I've been incorporating more protein vs. carbs.

Two more things I need to work on starting after my sister leaves: Sleeping more & and getting my baby to sleep in her crib as opposed to my bed. I think the latter will be a bigger challenge than my weight!

Posted by hopeful @ 9:40 AM

March 25, 2005

OMG!

So I read today that people with a Body Mass Index (BMI, a height/weight ratio) of 25 or more are considered overweight; those 30 and above are considered obese. I have a BMI of 37! AAAAHHHHH! I was so far over on the chart I had to go to “Table 2” for people with BMI of greater than 35.

Here’s the link if you want to check yours www.nhlbi.nih.gov/guidelines/obesity/bmi_tbl.htm

Another slap of reality is when I get on my Tanita digital scale that also measures your fat percentage. First it weighs you, then it sends some kind of electrical signal through your body to measure your fat. I usually don’t stand on it long enough to see the fat percentage. Why, you ask? Because it says I’m 46% fat! Is that possible that I’m half fat? How is it that I even retain a shape resembling a human being?

Here are some more pictures. I only took one new one to compare the side profile because I knew there wouldn’t be much of a change. I’ve had some friends say that I look thinner. So it’s probably showing most in my face, which I’m not prepared to show just yet. When I’m down a bunch of weight I’ll show it. I’m not ashamed. I just don’t want someone to look at me and think of these pictures. When I’m thin I’m hoping they’ll hardly be able to remember me fat and disassociate me from these pictures.

Last Month	This Month

Here are the outlines superimposed over each other. In the colored version the yellow is the most recent profile. They are virtually the same. Don't pay any attention to the head size, I didn't try to draw the pink dot relative to last time.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:43 AM

March 24, 2005

Waiting Feels Like an Eternity

This entry is kind of based on the previous one.

A long while back I had a friend who was losing weight and doing it very slowly. She was heavier than me. I was a lot thinner then, probably about 150 or so. (Gosh how I wish I was that again.) At that time though, that was an all time high for me (obviously a record I continued to beat). I wanted to lose at least 20lbs. I kept thinking I'll start one of these days too. Then suddenly one day she looked way thinner than me. A few months had gone by already and she lost about 30lbs. It just seemed so sudden to me. I was so bummed that I had wasted that time. I felt like I had missed out on losing 30lbs. Even though I had thought that three months went by fast, the thought of waiting three months to lose my 30lbs seemed like an eternity. That discouraging thought prevented me from getting started again. Even losing 20lbs in less than 3 months didn’t occur to me. And here I am today.

Now I’m trying to put things in perspective. Even if it takes 10-12 months for me to take off my 90 lbs, it’s going to fly by. Time always does for me. The first year of my daughter’s life did. I have no idea where this past year went. Better yet, after I lose 10lbs (hopefully in about one month) I’m going to be psyched! It will totally be great to have my maternity pants be baggy on me (yes I’m still wearing them) and 10lbs is all it will take to do that. There are a bunch of milestones that will be rewards along the way and help make that time go by fast.

It’s late and I have to get some sleep. There is an infomercial on right now called “Gunter’s Six Second Abs”. Give me a break!

Posted by hopeful @ 1:38 AM

March 23, 2005

It's a Numbers Game

A pound of fat contains 3,500 calories. So you need to burn or reduce your intake (or a combo of the two) by 500 calories a day to lose a pound of fat per week.

So far this week (Monday & Tuesday) I did no less than 40 minutes each day on the elliptical trainer. The digital monitor showed that I burned nearly 600 calories during each session. Now that’s an approximation because my E.T. doesn’t have an input device. But I bet that’s pretty close because they probably do it for an averaged size person and I’m well above that, even for a man (ugg!). I sweat bullets on that thing and I love it. It doesn’t put any impact on my feet or knees. I’m digressing.

So if I keep my eating habits exactly the same I should lose 1 pound in a little less than 7 days. If I reduce my diet too (and I can certainly reduce my diet by 500 calories a day) I should lose another pound. Losing 2 pounds a week shouldn’t be difficult. That’s 8 pounds a month. In two months that’s 16 pounds. That’s a lot.

Now that math is fun, it really makes it sound do-able. That’s a lot of pounds, especially for someone who’s been doing nothing but gaining weight for goodness knows how long (of course I know how long - 5yrs). And that’s worst case scenario because I feel like I can do that. I plan to increase my workouts with weight, etc. and continue to whittle away at my mass consumption.

Huh, at this point I’d be happy with 8 pounds a month. I hope I didn’t just jinx it.

Posted by hopeful @ 2:28 AM

March 21, 2005

Off to a Slow Start

Alright, I weighed myself this morning and I lost two pounds. (That doesn’t quite deserve an exclamation point). I have to admit, though, that was better than expected. I didn’t really change my eating habits and only exercised 3 or 4 days since I started this. Those workouts consisted of about 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer.

Things definitely picked up near the end of the week. This blog has really gotten me excited (I might have said that a million times already). I love how we’re all posting here and really enjoying it. Feeling dedicated to this site helped me forgo that extra serving of Cheetos (I certainly didn’t go completely without) and I replaced a couple of meals with a protein shake. Although I didn’t try too hard to go on a diet for fear of throwing in the towel, I did eat less and I felt motivated to go on the elliptical trainer.

My goal for next week is to curb some of the crap food even more. Baby steps maybe, so I don’t miss it too much. I want to work out on the elliptical trainer at least 5 times and start incorporating weights a few times a week. Typically what happens for me is as my workouts get better, I eat better, because I feel better.

I’m not going to celebrate those two pounds yet because maybe it was the result of not drinking anything before I went to bed and weighing myself first thing in the morning after I stripped down naked, took a poo, shaved my legs, tweezed my eyebrows, shaved my head, inhaled a bunch of helium, all before I did so much as drink a glass of water. Maybe :-)

Next week when I’m down no less than four pounds I will celebrate retroactively.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:15 PM

I’m Scrapping the Food Logs

The food logs were a bad idea for me. They made me think about food far too much, it felt unnatural, and I knew I would suck at it. When I was young I suffered from bulimia pretty bad for about 10 years so dieting can be risky business for me. The food logs seem to trigger those thoughts. (I’m not too worried about indulging those thoughts because I haven’t been an active bulimic for almost 7 years or something.) I began to think there’s away around this log. “If I just ate something that I don’t want to go on it, I’ll get rid of it”, and things of that nature.

Some things trigger bulimic thoughts and some things don’t. I’m not always sure why. I can for example follow restrictive diets, low fat or a high protein, as long as I’m not counting. I guess I can employ general methods, but if I have to count things, calories, etc. too closely that’s when I get a little compulsive and feel bad.

I read an article on MSN Fitness written by a Dr. Bill Gavin (posted for copyright purposes) where he states

Eat protein at every meal. Unlike high carbohydrate foods that provide quick energy but leave you feeling hungry soon after, high protein foods help ward off hunger between meals—which can keep you from snacking. Lean protein sources Gavin likes to use include meat, fish, turkey, chicken, string cheese, non-fat yogurt, cottage cheese and natural peanut butter. "If you're hungry two hours after a meal you know you didn't get enough protein,"

So that’s my plan for the next week (that’s as far as I’ll project for now). I will bulk up the protein and lower the carbs and see if I really am less hungry and if it can sustain me. And I will always chisel extra calories out whenever I can.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:10 PM

March 20, 2005

The Bagette

Hey All,
Check out this website of one of our faithful readers, Molly. Aside from being my apparent doppelganger (I love Thai coconut curry too!), she is a very creative and talented person.

Initially the name of the site peaked my curiosity becasue it made me hungry (of course it did, you know where my mind is always). Then when I got there I realized the 'u' was missing and that's why it was something different all together.

The site looks awesome, it's really pretty. That's all I'm going to tell you about it because I want you to go check it out. Also Molly isn't afraid to post her picture without the pink dot.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:31 PM

The Mini-dot

Here is the roley poley mini-dot. Her rolls are cute and edible. You can make a wish on the Buddah belly.

Posted by hopeful @ 11:09 PM

The Fat Suit

It’s tough having an issue that is so visible. I wish I could leave my fat suit at home and go out into the world with the confidence I do have in other aspects of myself. I don’t want to lose that. The fatter I get the more it chips away at my overall confidence in general.

When I go places I’m so preoccupied that all people can think about is how fat I am. It impacts everything that I do. That adds to making this battle more difficult.

A specific example always pops in my mind.

When I was at the super market there was a cute young male cashier. He was chatting it up with a pretty cute girl two people in front of me. He was friendly and outgoing. To the “normal” (normal in weight and average looks) man directly in front of me the cashier was mildly indifferent but nice. When it came close to my turn I saw the cashier boy check me out and then keep his face down as I approached. He barely mumbled a “how’s it going?” I was friendly, as per usual. The bagger who was bagging my groceries asked the cashier a question about who sang some song title (I now forget what the title was, but it was a contemporary young song). As the cashier was puzzling over it, I said that I knew who it was and told them. The bagger (who, by the way, was a pimply young boy who seemed to look up to the cute cashier) was excited and started engaging me in some conversation about the band. Then the cashier seemed to chipper up and joined in. He seemed to realize that I was pretty cool. So by the time I was ready to leave, the guys were like “hey, see ya, have a great weekend” yadda yadda yadda.

I hate that I’m not appealing to men (or most of them) any more. I know I’m married but it still feels good to be a hottie.

Posted by hopeful @ 8:36 PM

March 19, 2005

One, Two, Three for Me

Having a young baby makes sticking to a diet a bit tougher. In attempts to teach her how to eat, I’m eating half of her meals. This rarely goes into the food log because for some reason it doesn’t count. Those highly dissolvable finger foods are like air! (And they taste great)

One for her … one for me. Two for her… one, two for me. Three for her… one, two, three for me. You get the picture :-)

Posted by hopeful @ 10:28 PM

Fat Actress - For All Who Were Wondering

Hey All,
Fat Actress is on Show Time, Mondays 10pm
:-)

Posted by hopeful @ 10:08 PM

March 18, 2005

How'd They Get Like That?

I haven’t always been heavy. I’ve been steadily gaining weight for the past five years. I always thought when I saw really heavy people that I would never let that happen to me. I don’t know when the heck I really started tipping the scales and why I couldn’t just get it under control. Wanting that bag of cheetos or cream cheese toast just ONE more time seemed like it would be OK. I really believed an extra day wouldn’t make a difference. I had a whole new plan for every Monday. The pounds added up before I knew it. I used to like to work out but as the pounds slowly crept on it became more difficult. I huff and puff (which isn’t the worst thing) what is worse is that it hurts. My small frame really aches under the pressure of this weight. I’m not making excuses, I absolutely can exercise, but it is way more difficult. Once you get so heavy and are plagued with inactivity it becomes an effort just to keep from gaining weight not to mention losing it.

Needless to say...now I know how it happens.

Posted by hopeful @ 9:34 PM

March 17, 2005

The Pink Dot Super Hero

A few people have commented on the pink dot I use to conceal my face. It cracked me up too when I first made it. Those pictures aren’t easy for me to look at, but the pink dot gives me a strange sense of confidence like a Pink Dot Superhero! My poses even look suggestive of trying to take off and flexing my muscles.

Whenever there’s an injustice I’ll come to the rescue. I’ll come fumbling out of the sky (because by the look of that take off attempt, clearly I’m not a good flyer). I’ll miraculously save the day when I accidentally land on the bad guy crushing him with all my mighty powers (all 209 of them).

Posted by hopeful @ 10:31 PM

March 16, 2005

Shout out to Misty!

I have to do a little shout out to Misty, my first ever commenter!
You rock and are inspiring :-)
Thanks a ton! Now it's getting fun!

Posted by hopeful @ 1:59 AM

TV Casualty

I’m so excited to see Fat Actress (I don’t have cable so I have to wait for the DVD). I love Kirstie Alley. I’m not even sure that anyone is reading this blog yet, but I’d love to hear what people thought.

I cancelled cable because I figured that with my new baby I shouldn’t be watching so much TV. I thought I would get off my bum a bit more to take off the baby weight. Yeah, that hasn’t happened, obviously. I’m nearly 30 lbs heavier then when I first found out I was prego.

I manage to still get plenty of TV watching in there. I’ve just started watching shows that I wouldn’t normally watch before. I’ve recently been reacquainted with the Antiques Road Show. PBS rocks! I’m mesmerized by the hosts of QVC. I’ve never bought anything, although it’s only a matter of time, but I could listen to those people forever! It never ceases to amaze me how excited they are about everything. And who are those people that call in?! The callers seem to have hosts that they prefer and watch religiously. It’s hardly about the products. I really could use that self leveling laser level though.

I miss you Mario, you’ll always be my American Idol!

Posted by hopeful @ 1:53 AM

March 15, 2005

Dealing With The Cause

Just dieting and attacking the symptom is going to be a constant struggle if I don’t work on identifying and attacking the cause.

I know the cause. I just don’t want to think about it most of the time. Sometimes I think about it and I just get angry rather than doing anything to better the situation. Doing something about it requires some big life changes that scare the crap out of me. I wasn’t raised to take risks. I don’t feel like I have the true support that these risks would require. I would feel too alone.

I’m really unhappy today (these are the times where I’d just like to throw in the towel and eat a bottomless bag of cheetos, my favorite). I do this to myself a lot. I create this rollercoaster of highs and lows. I keep my feelings deep inside and appear to be happy and functioning. Then a frustration and anger develop about it. It’s like I PMS at the end of every week. The intervals of anger get closer together.

Today I feel like I hate my job and I hate my husband. I get angry because I give too much of myself away to other people and don’t know how to give to myself. I feel like I’ve been shafted. I want to learn take my life back.

I will continue to share more details of my crap situation.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:03 PM

The boring but necessary food log

Posted by hopeful @ 1:43 AM

March 14, 2005

The Mother Load of Boobs

This whole breastfeeding thing never ceases to astound me. Our children have these amazing natural instincts. A newborn, when placed on the mother’s stomach can practically find their own way to the boob, like a baby kangaroo en route to the pouch. It’s like they have an internal milk divining rod.

My baby wriggles like a worm on the sidewalk groping at my boobs like she owns them. Something that kind of perplexes me a bit is, occasionally, she sees my exposed mountainous belly, grabs it and smashes her face into it in search of a nipple! She seems to get frustrated and disappointed when I direct her to the, small in comparison, actual boob. She thinks my stomach is a big ass boob! The Mother Load if you will.

Ahh, this makes me laugh and cry.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:43 PM

Weight Loss Methods

OK, it occurred to me that keeping a blog alone will not help me lose weight. I have to have a plan. Bummer.

It’s Monday, no better time to start than today (isn’t that always the case?) I’ll probably restart every Monday.

I’ll keep track of what I eat. I guess I’ll have a special section for that so as not to bore the crap out of everybody if they choose not to read it. I’ll also keep track of exercise. Soon I’ll be so embarrassed that I haven’t changed my current behavior (still with high hopes of weight loss) and I’ll be sick of the ridicule (no matter how just it is) that I’ll actually start to incorporate a healthier (I actually eat pretty healthy, I should say MINIMAL) diet and exercise. I did buy an elliptical trainer. I have an extensive free weight set. And I have a million exercise video tapes, really, what fat person doesn’t. I also have a naïve belief in osmosis.

Posted by hopeful @ 12:02 PM

Not off to a great start

Posted by hopeful @ 1:30 AM

March 13, 2005

Fat Acceptance

There is a community of people out there just like me, actually, they’re better than me and only like me in a physical sense (fat). They are promoting and more importantly celebrating fat acceptance. I agree with their criticisms of our discriminating society and am in awe of anyone who can truly love themselves regardless of what is valued by our culture and more admirably for what is not. I, however, can’t accept myself fat!

First of all, when I go for walks or even just stand for any extended period of time, my legs ache and they will ache all night, it drives me crazy, so much so, I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep on my back because I can’t breathe as well. Miraculously I don’t snore, except when I rarely turn on my back. I hate and am embarrassed by the smallest amount of activity resulting in huffing and puffing. I cringe at the thought of me walking a talking with someone as I progressively get more and more out of breath.

I’m not even talking about serious health repercussions (that I don’t know I don’t have or won’t get). It’s a bit of a controversy whether or not you can be fat and healthy but I don’t even care about that. I’m talking about my daily comfort. My little frame can’t handle this weight. I challenge anyone to go to the store and by a huge, make that 90 pound, bag of potatoes, strap it on your back, and carry it around with you.

Posted by hopeful @ 7:40 PM

March 12, 2005

Ok time for the dreaded pictures

These pictures were taken near the end of February '05. I'm weighing in at a whopping 209lbs.

Wow, there I am in all my glory. That belly fold is killing me. It's irreversible.

Posted by hopeful @ 1:30 AM